Vanderpump Rules: Lisa’s West Hollywood Empire
Power Rankings with P
Welcome to Power Rankings with P, a newsletter ranking cast members on the reality shows I subject myself to on a weekly basis. What can I say? I love slop.
A little something different for this newsletter! As I mentioned in a past edition, I spent a few days running around Los Angeles last month. Originally, I was to attend an event hosted by an online community I have been interacting with throughout the pandemic (this is the covid era, baby) but it was unfortunately cancelled ...after I bought my plane tickets and booked an Airbnb. While I was certainly disappointed, I was determined to still make the most of my excursion to Southern California. We love a moment to adapt!
With the event cancelled, I had more time to hike around Griffith Park and soak in all of the information Griffith Observatory had to offer. The Observatory sits atop Mount Hollywood and overlooks the sprawling basin that is the city of Los Angeles; architecturally, the building is a feat and the view is jaw-dropping. Inside the Observatory, I was met with a wealth of information on the stars, planets, and galaxies that our universe is comprised of; it was pleasantly overwhelming. I love space, man. The Planetarium offers live shows every hour, and I arrived just in time for the next showing of Centered in the Universe.
Once I made my way inside the Samuel Oschin Planetarium theater, I settled in the reclined chairs for the show. Part live show and part documentary, I was absolutely enthralled by the story of our universe. The live performer was an extremely gifted storyteller, giving meaning to the stories the constellations in the sky tell us every night with passionate enthusiasm. Everything from astrology, Galileo, philosophy, the Great Library of Alexandria, constellations, Edwin Hubble, and the Big Bang was covered. A very informative, but also incredibly moving presentation. I got emotional! Maybe a little misty eyed! This was storytelling, mawma. A great reminder of the vastness of the universe and that, in the end, we are all stardust. 10/10 would recommend.
Having spent the entirety of my day contemplating the cosmos, my place in the vast universe, and the meaning of life, it was only natural to spend my evening navigating the bars and restaurants featured in Vanderpump Rules, a reality show that also has me contemplating the cosmos, my place in the vast universe, and the meaning of life. I returned to my Airbnb, showered, took a quick disco nap, and headed towards Lisa Vanderpump's West Hollywood Kingdom. Here are the bars and restaurants of Vanderpump Rules, Power Ranked from the worst to the best:
3. SUR
Is anybody surprised SUR ranks in last place? If the Sexy Unique Restaurant didn't rank last, I would frankly be disappointed. Everything we know about SUR screams dysfunctional hot ass mess, and the restaurant, thankfully, lived up to these expectations. The SUR experience began at the host stand, where, through their body language alone, the hostess and servers congregated around the stand made it clear they would rather being doing literally anything else other than working a shift at SUR. Just like on the show! They did not disappoint.
With the empty restaurant booked solid with reservations for the evening, I was seated in the lounge and only able to order drinks and appetizers. This was fine with me; I had a lot of ground to cover this evening and was only really here for the goat cheese balls made famous by the disgraced Stassi Schroeder. I placed an order, along with a SUR Margarita. The SUR Margarita was surprisingly really spicy, but I guess this was because it wasn't made by Jax. The goat cheese balls were overwhelming cheesy, but I understood why Stassi rode so hard for them.
Before I left, I ran into King Peter, an actual angel, still managing the restaurant after all of these years. Even kinder and hotter in person! Peter rules. However, the best part of my visit to SUR came after I left. Before making my way to my next stop, I had to see the infamous SUR alley. A mess of discarded restaurant chairs and chain smoking servers, it was perfect. The SUR alley should be named a historic landmark in West Hollywood.
2. PUMP
PUMP has the vibe of Disneyland for Bravo fans. Inside, the restaurant literally sparkles; it's glitzy and glamy and very Vanderpump. Completely over the top, just like a theme park. My server was Rocco, and he sold the entire experience for me. He was more than willing to chat with me about Lisa, the Toms, and WeHo, all while flirting with me the entire night. When he served me my Pumptini, he grabbed a rose from the table's centerpiece, picked it apart, and then showered me in rose petals. "We call that Lisa's fairy dust," he explained. High Camp, darling. Rocco was tipped well!
As for the food, my Chicken Milanese was literally in the shape of a heart -- unmistakably Lisa Vanderpump. Served with both a potato and arugula salad, the lightly breaded chicken breast was tasty, but nothing memorable. The infamous Pumptini was unfortunately my least favorite drink of the night, as it was entirely too sugary. Rocco instead suggested the Pump and Glory, another vodka based drink, which hit the spot. You can never go wrong with vodka, cucumber, and mint.
With PUMP being her namesake, it's no surprise Lisa Vanderpump herself was there that evening. Rocco encouraged me to say hey, so I finished off my Pump and Glory to do just that. The group had finished dinner, and she was lingering with a few others at her table, so I marched right up to the former Housewife. Her latest gay accessory seemed annoyed I approached, but Lisa couldn't give a shit either way. I mentioned my grandmother, mother, and sister wanting a selfie, which charmed her and got a slight chuckle out of her. I got my selfie, thanked her, and went on my way. Truthfully, it wasn't very exciting or memorable. LOL. Sorry Lisa!
1. TomTom
TomTom is far and away the one. The best food, the best drinks, the best atmosphere, it was the whole package. TomTom was the most bar like, while SUR and PUMP fall firmly in the restaurant category. TomTom is a space where you can easily move around and socialize; here, I was able to make some friends to gawk at the spectacle with. It felt like I was at the zoo. Honestly, the city of West Hollywood itself is essentially a zoo for reality television stars, with each bar and restaurant being its own exhibit. Unfortunately, Morgan McMichaels was not in her exhibit when I stopped in Mickey's, but the Vanderpump bars did not disappoint when it came to seeing Z-listers.
At TomTom, I had the whiskey based Kentucky Muffin to drink, another order of goat cheese balls, and the spicy cauliflower wings. The cauliflower wings are to die for. They were absolutely incredible, easily my favorite food item from the evening. As for the infamous goat cheese balls, they were even better at TomTom than at SUR. The food and beverage here was firing on all cylinders. Good job, boys! TomTom and PUMP were pretty neck and neck in the rankings, but an appearance by Tom Schwartz was what edged TomTom out over PUMP.
A few minutes after I was seated, Tom Schwartz arrived blacked out of his mind. What immediately struck me was just how HOT and TALL he was in person. Like, out of this world hot. Intimidating level of hotness. Unreal. The charisma radiated off of him as he bounced from table to table, making everyone laugh, offering up hugs and friendly slaps on the back. Schwartz, for the first time ever, felt like the number one guy in the group. Also, Rand was there.
After making their rounds, Schwartz and Rand set up camp in the bar area of the restaurant, and immediately started hitting on women my age and younger. Classic. At one point, Schwartz hopped behind the bar and poured a round shots for a group of girls and himself. It was beyond sleazy and everything I could have hoped for. It was as if Vanderpump Rules was filmed in front of a live studio audience, and I had a front row seat. TomTom gave me the experience of watching an episode of the show in real time, so of course it's ranking as number one. The number one bar in the group!
And that will do it for this week's edition of Power Rankings with P! If you enjoyed this Bravo centric edition of PRWP, you're in luck! More Bravo content is on the way, so stayed tuned. As always, thanks for reading! :)