Bachelor in Paradise Season 7: Week Two
Power Rankings with P
Welcome to Power Rankings with P, a newsletter ranking cast members on the reality shows I subject myself to on a weekly basis. What can I say? I love slop.
Before we get started, I have to take a moment to express my deep, deep love for the opening credits of Bachelor in Paradise. They are everything to me. The cheesy send up of 80s and 90s sitcom opening credits set to a karaoke rendition of "Almost Paradise" elevated this show for me in ways I didn't think possible. These clowns! If I wasn't already, I'm officially all in with Bachelor in Paradise. Let's get to ranking:
Bach Bros:
1. Brendan Morais
Some of my favorite moments from this week in Paradise involved the entire cast's messy gossip sessions, the majority of which centered around Brendan, still the name on everyone's lips. His rejection of Demi following their date was hilarious, and offered plenty of fuel for the week's drama. Even with the arrivals of Riley and Thomas, Brendan still remains the hottest guy in Paradise in my opinion. Once again, he's the number one guy in this group.
2. Ivan Hall
A true gentleman, Ivan had a great week pursuing Jessenia. Their date was very raw, and I appreciated the way both were able to speak on their prior experiences filming and the aftermath while airing. Ivan's an amazing guy, and I can't wait to see how his love story with Jessenia unfolds.
3. Riley Christian
Talk about coming in hot! Riley arrives and jeez. He's just... so unbelievably attractive and all the women are in total agreement. Maurissa manages to catch his eye, and they have an incredible first date moderated by Lance Bass. Later, Riley ends the night with Maurissa in the Boom Boom Room which is pure top 5 energy. Welcome to Paradise, Riley!
4. Tre Cooper
Tre straps in for a roller coaster these two episodes. The arrival of Thomas clearly shook him, and Tahzjuan's pre-season infatuation with Riley completely threw him for a loop. A Capricorn's worst nightmare. Still, he manages to come out on top with Tahzjuan by the end of the week; real hot boy shit.
5. Kenny Braasch
Week Two was very light on the boy band manager, save for a moment when he is starstruck by friend of Lisa Vanderpump, Lance Bass. His slight edit in both episodes bumps him down in the Power Ranking, but it looks like he comes back in a big way next week. I knew my guy wouldn't disappoint.
6. Noah Erb
Kind of a non-factor this week after his big date with Abigail in the premiere. This doesn't surprise me; both of them seem to be here for love and not reality TV drama. Good for them, but can totally see them spending the rest of the season being forgettable.
7. Connor Brennan
Surprised that Connor B managed to win me over this week! His quick wit and wide collection of puns managed to make me smile, and I empathized with him when Maurissa, the recipient of his rose, connected with Riley. Still, his thirst for Spotify streams will never have me 100% onboard with Connor B.
8. Thomas Jacobs
Thomas arrives to more fanfare from Katie's boys than the women. Thomas had those boys bothered! The way he gets an absolute rise out of Aaron for being exactly one inch taller than him makes me laugh. Plus, he's so hot - hotter than Aaron in my opinion!
9. Karl Smith
The karate stuff was entertaining but not enough to change his Power Ranking this week. I'm waiting for the drama, Karl!
10. Aaron Clancy
The more Aaron speaks, the farther he falls in the rankings. Aaron is A Bro, and not in the fun, hot, tolerable way. Repeatedly threatening violence on another contestant? Not hot. Get him out of here as he's becoming a threat to the work environment.
11. James Bonsall
“Not Jordan” spent an entire episode getting played by Victoria P, and another episode doing absolutely nothing. An embarrassing run so far.
12. Gym Joe Amabile
Well, it's official. I've decided I cannot stand Gym Joe. Threatening to leave the competition because he was not getting his way was pathetic. Put some respect on Bachelor in Paradise's name! You don't just pack up and call it a day, you continue to play the game. An immature look from a guy who can't stop fixating on the 12 year age gap between him and his showmance. Would rejoice if Serena P's rose goes elsewhere.
Bach Babes:
1. Tahzjuan Hawkins
Tahzjuan continues to deliver. She gives us one-liners, she gives us story, she gives us confessionals. Tahzjuan is a giver! She even manages to get production to break the fourth wall with her, when she hilariously overreacts to a crab in the sand of the makeshift confessional room. That's star power, baby.
2. Tammy Ly
After witnessing Serena C making out with her man, Tammy wastes no time taking matters into her own hands and goes to work. Immediately, she jumps on top of him for a quick make out session - a hot girl power move. Having secured her rose and with nothing better to do, Tammy decides to head the charge against Vicky P which leads to her vacating the set and going home. An iconic sequence of events. Tammy is playing the game!
3. Jessenia Cruz
Protect Jessenia at all costs. Reality Television "fans" can be some of the nastiest individuals alive, and it’s unfortunate things have gotten so dire that their toxic, racist, and misogynistic behavior continuously has to be a topic of conversation within the show. People suck. Jessenia deserves better, and I’m so happy she’s feeling the spark with Ivan. Not only is their chemistry electric, but they're probably the hottest couple in Paradise. Rooting for their happy ending!
4. Demi Burnett
Demi clocked in and went to work. An agent of pure, explosive, bisexual chaos, Demi can’t help but to spend every moment on camera stirring the pot. The cameras love this, and she loves them right back. As she descends down the stairs into Paradise, the energy of the show instantly shifts. It's a completely different ballgame when Hurricane Demi arrives and I welcome her with enthusiasm. Like her or not, she's a force to be reckoned with. After an explosive first episode, she's virtually absent from the second but still, she left an impression.
5. Maurissa Gunn
After a quieter first week, Maurissa really begins to shine in week two, particularly once she links up with Riley, a total babe. Ditching Connor for someone much hotter completely worked in her favor as her date with Riley was not only sweet and sexy, but allowed her to be emotionally vulnerable with both him and the audience. On top of all of this (literally), being one half of the first couple in the boom boom room is definitely top 5 behavior.
6. Serena Pitt
Serena P remains one of the hottest women in the group, as evidenced by Thomas sweeping her away on a date right after his arrival. While their date is a fun moment and probably something she should pursue further, she ultimately sticks with Gym Joe in a disappointing move. Still, as a total sweetheart, I can’t help but root for Serena P. Hoping she explores relationships with other men and is able to bounce back.
7. Abigail Heringer
After a non-existent edit this week, I believe she and Noah are set as endgame and will have a drama-free time this season. Good for them, but it's going to keep them both in the lower half of the rankings.
8. Natasha Parker
Natasha got a rose from Brendan, but at what cost? Being the first to go after the hottest guy in the cast never really works out well, and unfortunately it looks like Natasha is learning that the hard way. A shame if she goes home early because of this, as she is a confessional natural.
9. Deandra Kanu
She’s barely featured in either episode, but when she is, she gives great narration in the confessionals. I’m sure the producers love working with her.
10. Mari Pepin-Solis
Made absolutely no impact this week which is unfortunate since she is linked with one of my main men, Kenny. Seems very shy and unsure when on camera, but manages to remain a total babe. Next week promises major drama with Mari, so I'm keeping an open mind.
11. Kelsey Weir
Kelsey managed a slight moment of redemption when she provided Tammy with back-up in the Case Against Victoria P. Kelsey never managed to shake Champagne-gate, but at least she left Paradise pretty unscathed.
12. Serena Chew
After an embarrassing freestyle rap, Serena C decides to do damage control by jumping into Aaron's lap and making out with him. It's 90 seconds of pure cringe. This move of desperation ultimately isn't enough to secure her a rose, and she's sent packing.
13. Victoria Larson
As she literally let the door hit her ass on the way out, I couldn't help but wonder... what's next for a self proclaimed goddess like Victoria Larson? Another reality show? I'm sure her contract with ABC prohibits that. Some sort of live performance? I don't know, she's no Countess LuAnn, that is for damn sure. Peddling useless garbage on Instagram? Probably! People like Vicky fascinate me. They completely blow up their lives, tarnish their reputations, and for what? Screentime in about 2 to 6 episodes of network television? Public humiliation? An army of haters across the globe? Yeesh. What becomes of Victoria Larson after her stint on The Bachelor franchise? I guess only time will tell.
14. Victoria Paul
Going on a reality dating show to promote your back-home-boyfriend's country music career and talk about piss isn't the move. Her agenda lacked any sense and when called out on it, she whimpered off set and went home. See ya never, Vicky P!
And with that, Week Two is in the books! Four hours of television watching well spent. With so many characters and so much mess, I understand the inflated episode count for Bachelor in Paradise. There's a lot to cover when you throw 20+ thirsty singles into hetero hell. The drama continues to escalate next week, and I can't wait to see how it shakes up the Power Rankings. Thanks for reading! :)