Bachelor in Paradise Season 7: Week Three
Power Rankings with P
Welcome to Power Rankings with P, a newsletter ranking cast members on the reality shows I subject myself to on a weekly basis. What can I say? I love slop.
Paradise descended into complete chaos this week, delivering all sorts of drama for our castaways. Fights erupted, tears were shed, cake was thrown. An explosive week in Paradise that left me with my head spinning. So, without further ado, let's get to ranking:
Bach Bros:
1. Kenny Braasch
A star performance across both episodes this week sees Kenny finally dethroning Brendan for the top spot in the Power Rankings. After Mari decides she wants to have her cake and eat it too, Kenny makes the power move of going for Demi, a master of the reality drama game. The ensuing chaos is reality TV perfection, which I imagine will continue to escalate in the coming weeks. Kenny and Demi are a power couple of televised drama, and I love seeing their antics play out on screen. Star power!
2. Brendan Morais
Brendan continues to be incredibly hot but... is that all there is? Has my Lust for Brendan unfairly kept him at the top of my rankings? Probably, but who cares? This is my ranking after all!
3. Ivan Hall
I audibly cheered when Ivan received Deandra's rose. CHEERED. After spending the week entirely too worried for him, I'm so happy he came through with a rose after things went wayside with Jessenia. Ivan and Deandra could be a great match, and I'm thankful we will get to see it play out on our television screens. We as an audience need Ivan to make it to finale night. Rooting for you, Ivan!
4. Thomas Jacobs
Thomas is hot, tall, and not afraid of drama, making him a perfect match for my current queen Tammy. I missed his original season, so I don't fully understand the vitriol Katie's guys throw his way at every opportunity but man is it exhausting. Katie's other guys have been way worse than Thomas this season, so I'm fully rooting for his tall ass.
5. Riley Christian
Other than sit around and be hot, Riley didn't do much this week. Not necessarily complaining as he is a lot of fun to look at. He ended last week in the Boom Boom Room, so maybe he was just exhausted. Next week, I'm hoping we see Riley's relationship with Maurissa continue to grow or, alternatively, go down in flames. No matter what, we know we can at least count on Riley for some delicious eye candy.
6. Noah Erb
After Abigail told Noah she likes to take things slow on their first date, that's what Noah has been doing: taking it slow. So it really sucks when seemingly out of nowhere, Abigail begins to spiral about things moving too slowly with Noah. I'm 50/50 on if this was genuine feelings or pure production, but Noah was certainly NOT having it as he was visibly annoyed. Hopefully, it was just a producer play for them to get screen time and things are actually fine in Paradise.
7. Chris Conran
I'm incredibly suspicious of any man that would willingly be in a bromance with Chasen Nick. Still, Chris seems fine enough and is definitely the better Smoke Bro out of the two. Jessenia deserves the world, so Chris has a tall order to fulfill during his time in Paradise.
8. Gym Joe Amabile
Still not a fan of Gym Joe! He moves up in the ranking because he fully committed to the wrestling drag and production sent his ex to Paradise. Kendall's arrival could completely shift how I view this guy, but will he step up to the plate and deliver? Next week is make or break for Gym Joe; I'll be watching his performance carefully!
9. Aaron Clancy
Serena P's succinct read of "Aaron's angrier, Thomas is bigger" made everything regarding these two click for me. Aaron just wants to give Thomas a kiss - and he should!
10. James Bonsall
Honestly, I’m shocked this guy is still around. Props for his perseverance.
11. Tre Cooper
Tre casually dropped that he had sex in a cemetery, realized he said this on national television, had a panic attack, and walked off set. This is the only explanation I have for his abrupt exit from Paradise. We barely even had a moment to say goodbye! Can we at least swap him for his uncle?
12. Connor Brennan
This week, Sad Boy Connor B threatened us with more guitar playing, was pitied by his cast mates, and modeled an abomination of a romper. Cringe. His elimination was the least surprising of the night.
13. Karl Smith
The Pandora bracelet wasn't enough to save Karl's ass this week and honestly? That's fine with me. He never really managed to deliver the drama that was promised - his one big confrontation with Chasen was very weak. An unimpressive Paradise run from Karl.
14. Chasen Nick
Chasen showed up with the advantages of a date card, a bromance, and a catchphrase and still managed to go home the very next day. Yikes. A terrible player of the game. Here’s to never hearing him say “smoke-show” ever again.
Bach Babes:
1. Tammy Ly
Tammy definitely earned her number one spot this week. Bored and wanting to unleash total chaos onto Paradise, Tammy iconically decides to hop on a daybed and straddle Aaron’s mortal enemy, Thomas. This move is preceded by Thomas calling the two of them villains, with which Tammy wholeheartedly agrees. Tammy rules. This is a woman determined to do the absolute most, all in the name of good reality TV. Tammy Ly, I salute you queen.
2. Demi Burnett
Demi Burnett is fully a cartoon character who just happens to have an eye for reality TV. At every waking moment, Demi is producing - she simply can’t help herself! When there’s an opportunity to start drama or give a great soundbite, she seizes the moment and for that I am thankful. Being a villain on The Bachelor franchise is what she was born to do, and she is doing it flawlessly.
3. Jessenia Cruz
Jessenia broke my heart when she told Ivan she didn’t feel that spark with him like she does with Chris, effectively ending their romantic relationship. As my favorite couple in Paradise, this really stung and not at all what I was expecting. Luckily, the conversation the two of them had was a mature one, and the two of them seem to be on good terms. Fingers crossed Chris is a match!
4. Deandra Kanu
She might be a little boring, but I’m really coming around on Deandra. The engaging bore is an important, under-appreciated character on reality shows (hi Danielle Olivera) and Deandra plays the part well. These shows need an effective communicator, and Deandra, with her clear narration in confessionals and ability to get her cast-mates talking in a way that moves the story forward, totally fills this role. She’s essential! All of this aside, what really sold me this week was her performance in the rose ceremony. Picking Ivan over both Karl and Chasen? * chef’s kiss *
5. Maurissa Gunn
After putting in the work last week as half of the first couple in the Boom Boom Room, Maurissa took some well deserved time off this week. Now that things with Riley have kicked off, Maurissa seems more sure of her place in Paradise and in front of the camera. Really excited to see where this journey continues to take her.
6. Serena Pitt
I'm still not onboard with Gym Joe, but I'm still heavily invested in Serena P. Not great for me, but good for her. I'm sure Joe will make a fine first husband.
7. Natasha Parker
There's something so charming and so watchable about Natasha that I can't help but fear her talents are being wasted on the wrong reality television program. She has that star quality, that It Factor, but in such a crowded cast, it's hard for her to shine. Also doesn't help that Brendan sadly isn't the one for her, so I'm hoping some fresh meat arrives for her soon - before it's too late.
8. Abigail Heringer
After a riveting storyline of "a bug flew into my nose" in the first episode of the week, the producers decided to help Abigail's screen time out by giving us some contrived drama. Her sudden change in tone regarding Noah came very much out of left field for me, and I wasn't here for it. Curious to see how this will end up shaking out.
9. Mari Pepin-Solis
Mari fumbled her Kenny bag, to nobody's fault but her own. Throwing the cake in the fire was a moment, sure. But had Kenny and Demi been sitting around the campfire when it happened, it would have been iconic. Play a better game, Mari.
10. Tia Booth
As soon as Tia began speaking, I heard nothing but Brittany Cartwright and spent the next 5 minutes spiraling out over the cast of Vanderpump Rules all spawning children within a 4 month time period. Completely missed her segment, but good for her for scoring a date with Kenny!
11. Becca Kufrin
The former Bachelorette’s arrival was very buzzy, so I was disappointed when she all but disappeared after the rose ceremony. Her entire presence felt shoehorned in to save either Ivan or Aaron from elimination, with Aaron being the one in need of a rose. A little surprised to see such strong “go on girl give us nothing” energy from a woman who was once the Bachelorette. But maybe that’s why she already seems over the whole thing?
12. Tahzjuan Hawkins :(
Heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. Tahzjuan Hawkins was THE ONE and I am completely floored by her sudden exit. She just... vanished. Will be processing this for a minute as we didn't get any sort of proper goodbye with her. I need closure! Pouring one out for a real one. At least now Tahz can pee, Tahz can poop, and Tahz can do anything. <3
And thus concludes another week in Paradise. Lots of curve balls this week, but we persevered through. I'll be spending the rest of the week mourning Tahzjuan if anyone needs me. Thanks for reading! :)