Bachelor in Paradise Season 7: Week One
Power Rankings with P
Welcome to Power Rankings with P, a newsletter ranking cast members on the reality shows I subject myself to on a weekly basis. What can I say? I love slop.
For the first edition of the newsletter, I've ranked the hopeful romantics on season 7 of Bachelor in Paradise based on their performances in the premiere episode. After a season of programming away from the franchise (sorry, Katie!), I’m excited to return to Bach Nation to experience Bachelor in Paradise for the first time. From what I’ve gathered, Paradise editions of Bach are essentially Vanderpump Rules but on a beach with eliminations, so needless to say but I’m sold. Each week, I will be “power ranking” the cast based on a number of things:
- Reality TV drama, mawma.
- Their love story. This is The Bachelor after all.
- How hot the contestant is looking that particular week.
- Elimination status. If a contestant is eliminated that week, they're automatically at the bottom of the ranking.
- However tf I am feeling that week. This is my ranking. Thank yew.
Let's get to ranking! Starting with the men because I'm toxic:
Bach Bros:
1) Brendan Morais
The name on everyone's lips is Brendan Morais and I can't say I'm surprised. Unbelievably hot, stylish, and genuine, Brendan is the full package and everybody knows it. I see Brendan once again going all the way to the end, but this time? He's finding his partner. :)
2) Kenny Braasch
Kenny is a star, full stop. Showing up “naked” was a huge power move that firmly established him as a major power player. He’s here to be hot, find love, and give us good reality TV - my holy trinity of qualities a Bachelor contestant should possess. Beyond excited to see what the boy band manager delivers this season.
3) Tre Cooper
An absolute light. As a charismatic, funny, and instantly-likable hottie, Tre is a perfect pick for Paradise. Going for the woman who dated his uncle takes a lot of nerve, and I have to respect it. Fly Uncle Cooper out to Paradise and Tre immediately moves up to the number 1 spot.
4) Noah Erb
Traumatized from diet Patrick Bateman’s relentless bullying last time around, Noah is determined to make his storyline a love story instead of an anti-bullying PSA. Immediately pursuing Abigail was a smart, strategic move that seems to be working in his favor, so long as he makes it out of the friendzone.
5) Ivan Hall
Ivan knows what he has to offer and is confident about it this season. Coming out strong but not too strong, he's here to play the game. Plus, he really wants to be a dad which, hot. Rooting hard for Ivan.
6) Aaron Clancy
Aaron is extremely hot... and then he opens his mouth. Sad!
7) Grocery Store Joe Amabile
Having missed his previous seasons of The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise and Dancing with the Stars (lol), this was my first impression of “Grocery Store Joe.” Can’t say I’m impressed! This sad sack spent the entire episode moping around, dressed like a scrub, and talking about his ex which is simply not hot. He’s clearly a production favorite, but I don’t see him being a Parker favorite, which is what really matters, right?
8) Karl Smith
Karl arrives with tennis shoes and a ~ drama ~ edit from the producers. Despite the initial buzz, he disappears from the episode after his arrival. Not particularly hot, but interested to see what conflict he brings to the beach.
9) Connor Brennan
If you play guitar and I still don’t find you hot, it's a problem. Connor's here for a record deal, not love. Wouldn't be surprised if he winds up with neither.
10) James Bonsall
Who?
Bach Babes:
1) Tahzjuan Hawkins
THE star of Bachelor in Paradise season 7. A walking soundbite, Tahzjuan is constantly delivering in every department. She does not waste a single second of camera time, using every possible moment to give us iconic Television. "Yeah, so, I know Tre because I went on a date with his uncle” is exactly what I want to hear when I’m watching reality TV. She understands the assignment. Can’t wait to spend the next 12 weeks falling in love with Tahzjuan.
2) Tammy Ly
Tammy rolls up to Paradise, calls David Spade “Dave” after initially confusing him for John Paul Jones, and moments later asks a producer if that was Dave Chappelle. No notes.
3) Serena Pitt
While Tahzjuan may be the star this season, it appears that Serena P is being positioned as the lead. Not complaining! Serena P made a big impression on me when she sent The Bachelor home, so I’m thrilled to see her back. However, I’m a little disappointed to see her go for Gym Joe when she could have her pick of any guy in Paradise. Brendan is right there - follow those initial instincts, honey! Still, I have faith in Serena P and am ready to see her love story unfold. Here's hoping it's not with some loser who's not over his ex.
4) Abigail Heringer
A sweetheart! The first to arrive and the first to get a date card, Abigail is definitely a contender. However, she likes to take things slow, which isn't great for reality TV - hope she's able to keep up with the game of Paradise.
5) Natasha Parker
Festive, flirty, fun! Natasha makes a strong first impression by being gorgeous and an absolute natural in confessionals. She's light on camera-time this episode, but I'm assuming she goes far as she just exudes main character energy. Hoping she keeps Brendan's attention. <3
6) Mari Pepin-Solis
Will Mari be able to hold Kenny's gaze all season long? I doubt it, but I won't blame her for trying! When things inevitably crash and burn with Kenny, she should have no problem catching the attention of the other men in Paradise.
7) "Goddess" Victoria Larson
Yes, Vicky is obnoxious, toxic, annoying, cringe, thirsty, egotistical, unpleasant, and a slew of other unfortunate adjectives. But. The way she threw her crown off of the balcony of her hotel room? Hilarious. Will Vicky ascend to camp icon status this season? Probably not, but I'll hopefully enjoy her efforts anyway.
8) Jessenia Cruz
Jessenia didn't make a splash this episode, but she still was looking hot as hell. Sometimes, that's enough!
9) Maurissa Gunn
She's making out with Connor on night one, so I'm questioning her taste level. At least she's hot!
10) Deandra Kanu
Blink and you miss her arrival. Her only moments this episode are confessionals about everyone else hooking up. Rough.
11) Kelsey Weir
We get it... you made a fool of yourself drinking from a bottle of champagne on TV two years ago. Can we move on? The constant champagne related bits are just painful, even Kelsey seems to be aware of this. Hopefully in the coming weeks production stops pushing this narrative and Kelsey can jump ahead in the rankings.
12) Serena Chew
Serena C arrives without fanfare, confidently proclaims “the party is here!,” and then promptly vanishes for the rest of the episode. The Kandy Ho of Paradise season 7.
13) Victoria Paul
Again, who?
Unranked: Demi, who arrives at the tail end of the episode promising drama. Love that for me. Her voice reminds me of reality television titan Scheana Shay, so I'm endeared to her already. There's just not enough screentime to make the ranking this week, but I'm expecting a show stopping performance for week two.
And that'll do it for Week One of Bachelor in Paradise 7! Next week we have two 4 hour episodes to make it through, so instead of episode by episode rankings, I'll just do them for the whole week of programming. We can do this. Excited to see where this journey takes us, thanks for reading! :)