Bachelor in Paradise Season 7: Week Four
Power Rankings with P
Welcome to Power Rankings with P, a newsletter ranking cast members on the reality shows I subject myself to on a weekly basis. What can I say? I love slop.
An element I find enjoyable about Bachelor in Paradise is the cast's ability to break the fourth wall and discuss the fact that yes, they are currently filming a reality show. The overall premise of the show is often discussed, while Instagram followers and That Influencer Life is another topic that repeatedly comes up. What I love about this awareness is that it leads to great television, as seen at the end of the second episode this week. Explosive and full of iconic performances, it's probably my favorite moment of the season so far. But enough about that, let's get to ranking!
Bach Bros:
1. Riley Christian (last week: 5th)
Riley spearheaded the “Chris Has Got To GO” campaign which, combined with his level of hotness, catapulted him to the number one spot in the Power Rankings this week. When it comes to the climatic confrontation with Chris, he does not mince words, supports Jessenia, and asks Chris if he can check his DMs, essentially forcing him to show his cards. Incredible work from Riley this week, hopefully there’s even more to come.
2. Kenny Braasch (last week: 1st)
Of all of the love triangles on Paradise this season, Kenny’s with Demi and Mari by far produces the most entertaining content. Kenny and Demi are reality TV darlings, always quick to provide us with the maximum amount of entertainment. And Mari certainly tries her hardest! My boy finding himself continuously drawn to Mari makes sense, but I hope this isn’t the end for Kenny and Demi; the drama with these three always makes me laugh and keeps me engaged.
3. Ivan Hall (last week: 3rd)
He may have been incredibly light on storylines this week, but Ivan has become one of the show’s most reliable narrators, alongside Deandra and Serena P. One can’t help but to smile every time he pops up on screen. It’s time for Ivan’s love story to kick into gear already!
4. Gym Joe Amabile (last week: 8th)
Color me surprised! After weeks in the bottom half of the Power Ranking, Joe managed to claw his way up at the expense of Chris Conran. As an alumni, Joe deeply cares about the integrity of the show and was not going to let Chris slander the good name of The Bachelor franchise, kickstarting his glorious demise. Joe was serving the Mayor of Paradise vibes. Wells should watch his back.
5. Thomas Jacobs (last week: 4th)
Thomas continues to be super tall and super hot, and managed to score a date with a former Bachelorette based on those strengths alone. This also lands him in the top half of the Power Rankings once again. Light on the drama this week, but I feel like that will quickly change.
6. Noah Erb (last week: 6th)
Noah should definitely stick to nursing, because his calling is not as an actor. The man could not deliver his lines during “the talk” with Abigail in any sort of believable way, basically confirming my suspicion that the so-called drama between the two was heavily produced. I’m sure the majority of the show is, I just don’t like when it’s so obvious!
7. Aaron Clancy (last week: 9th)
Week after week, I find myself intrigued with what dark places Aaron’s obsession with Thomas and Tammy takes him. The homoeroticism and misogyny is just far too much. As a person, I despise Aaron. But as a reality character? He’s by far one of the most interesting this season of Paradise.
8. James Bonsall (last week: 10th)
Still here!
9. Brendan Morais (last week: 2nd)
Damn, what an ugly week for Brendan. A textbook Scorpio, Brendan really showed his ass this week by being downright nasty when it came to Natasha. His mic catching “yeah I mean she had ZERO, zero prospects, not like I was keeping her from anyone, not like she would have had a single viable option” was a shocking moment from somebody who I thought of as a genuinely nice guy. But no, he actually sucks! Unfortunate. Do I still consider him attractive? I don’t know, once you hear a grown man passionately discussing followers on Instagram, there really is no going back. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
10. Chris Conran (last week: 7th)
Riley called Chris out for having “no honor, no respect, no code” which… tea. Chris turned in a horribly miscalculated and embarrassing performance this week, all at the expense of Queen Jessenia and his former messy hook-up, Alana. The former cheers to his demise with the rest of the cast, while the latter won’t even split the cab ride home with him. Good riddance!
Bach Babes
1. Jessenia Cruz (last week: 3rd)
I think we’re all Team Jessenia. After a rocky road courtesy of Chris and his fuckboy antics, Jessenia managed to end the week triumphantly. She really held her own against Chris during his funeral and had the entire cast (and audience) rooting for her. She is the moment. Hoping Jessenia can snag a rose next week; I just love watching her!
2. Tammy Ly (last week: 1st)
Tammy hissing “What did you do?!” at Chris during a confrontation at the beach was an incredible Tammy Moment, and something I want to see more of moving forward. Things began to fall apart for her at the end of this week, so I can’t wait to see what mess Tammy brings us next.
3. Demi Burnett (last week: 2nd)
Demi continues to throw everything including the kitchen sink at the camera, never wasting a glorious moment while on camera. Yes, she is exhausting but I truly cannot imagine what this season would look like without her. Demi Burnett, an essential worker.
4. Serena Pitt (last week: 6th)
I think Serena P will always have my heart. She’s such a sweet soul, and I hated seeing her upset by Kendall’s arrival on the beach. However, I don’t think she has much to worry about, as Joe’s eyes are clearly set on Serena P. Speaking of Joe, I finally managed to warm up to him this week! Maybe I am rooting for the two of them after all.
5. Deandra Kanu (last week: 4th)
Deandra is gorgeous and I love hearing her speak. Unfortunately, she hasn’t felt a connection with many of the men here, which doesn’t bode well for someone who doesn’t hold the rose. Holding out hope she manages to snag a rose next week.
6. Chelsea Vaughn (last week: n/a)
“I’m the runway model from Matt’s season” is an instantly iconic entrance line. Matt unfairly treated her like an after-thought on his cursed season, so I’m thrilled she gets a second shot at love.
7. Becca Kufrin (last week: 11th)
The charisma came through in her date with Aaron; now I see why Becca was once the Bachelorette. I’m fascinated to see how a former lead fares in this format, so I’m genuinely excited for her storyline to finally kick off (even if it’s with Aaron).
8. Natasha Parker (last week: 7th)
Rough to see her get played by Brendan, but we all saw it coming. Natasha, a warrior, is not going down without a fight; she throws shade in his direction at literally every available opportunity. And it’s funny! My favorite moment was her “here on ABC” line when referring to Brendan and Pieper’s clout chasing. Natasha is a reality TV gift; I’m not ready to lose her!
9. Maurissa Gunn (last week: 5th)
Maurissa is clearly very excited to be here, but unfortunately she’s been a non-factor since her Week 2 date with Riley. I either want to see the love story continue, or completely implode. Here’s to Maurissa showing up in a big way in Week 5.
10. Abigail Heringer (last week: 8th)
Abigail and Noah completely phoning in their Big Talk wasn’t the moment. Cute couple though!
11. Mari Pepin-Solis (last week: 9th)
Her storyline took center stage this week, but Mari still just isn’t clicking for me. Like Jessenia towards Ivan, I’m not feeling the spark with Mari.
12. Tia Booth (last week: 10th)
Sweet girl, but it will truly be a miracle if Tia gets a rose at the next ceremony. Good luck!
13. Kendall Long (last week: n/a)
Her appearance was so boring, I almost forgot to include Kendall in the rankings. If Joe is Butthead, does that make her Beavis? Serve us Cornholio, Kendall.
14. Pieper James (last week: n/a)
A villain. I’m not impressed, interested, or invested in someone who is overly concerned with their Instagram followers. The cast needs to set their sights on getting her and Brendan out next week - they will not be missed.
15. Alayah Benavidez (last week: n/a)
Who?
16. Mykenna Dorn (last week: n/a)
See above.
17. Alana Milne (last week: n/a)
Alana is a very specific type of woman that has been haunting college football tailgates and state school bars for decades. A hot mess. Alana’s quick appearance this season was disastrous, but at least she managed to maintain some dignity by closing the SUV door in Chris’s face on departure. See ya!
Thrilled to report we are now back to one episode a week for the rest of the season. Those two-a-weeks were overwhelming, but I'm glad we managed to push through. That's it for this week, I'll be spending the weekend streaming "star-crossed" by Kacey Musgraves and you should too. Sorry, Olivia Holt! Thanks for reading! :)