Bachelor in Paradise Season 7: Week Five
Power Rankings with P
Welcome to Power Rankings with P, a newsletter ranking cast members on the reality shows I subject myself to on a weekly basis. What can I say? I love slop.
Absolutely brutal week for my faves. Losing Jessenia, Deandra, Tammy, and Demi all in one night really stung. It's not right and it's NOT okay. These were my people! The dolls. They are all gorgeous, engaging, and highly watchable entertainers. I hope the four of them left Paradise knowing they are icons and that the world is theirs. Bachelor Nation better be kind to my girls, but having faith in reality television fandoms is a losing game. Please observe a moment of silence for our fallen angels. Thank you. Now, onto the Power Ranking:
Bach Bros
1. Riley Christian (last week: 1st)
We love a man who can be a little goofy! He’s working out in slippers! Cracking jokes! Licking whipped cream off of Maurissa! He’s so silly XD
2. Joe Amabile (last week: 4th)
Not me stanning Grocery Store Joe! As Joe continues his noble mission to protect the integrity of Bachelor in Paradise, my adoration for him grows. The relationship with Serena P advances in a major way this week, but the cynic in me can’t help but to feel their relationship is doomed. Prove me wrong Joe and Serena P!
3. Blake Monar (last week: n/a)
Blake and his tattoos arrived this week and were met with a collective swoon from the women in Paradise and me at home on my couch. A classic Midwestern boy, Blake made a big impression on me this week; he’s definitely one to watch moving forward.
4. Kenny Braasch (last week: 2nd)
Yes, a new tatted up hottie may have arrived this week but Kenny is always my boy. With the love triangle now in the books and things with Mari now seemingly solidified, I expect Kenny to have a quiet last few weeks in Paradise. Nothing wrong with that! Week after week he has put in the work and should be proud of his stand-out performance this season after going home too early (in my opinion) on The Bachelorette. So happy we got to see Kenny really shine. Hopefully this isn’t the last we’ve seen of the boy band manager on our television screens.
5. Dr. Joe Park (last week: n/a)
Being besties with the Big Bad of the season should theoretically have him towards the bottom of the Power Ranking, but let’s not forget that Joe Park is a hot doctor. A hot doctor! That’s enough for fifth place this week.
6. Ivan Hall (last week: 3rd)
We need to talk about Ivan. There was a lot of discussion this episode about James constantly finding himself back at square one, but aren’t we seeing the same thing with Ivan? Jessenia ditched him for Chris, things fizzled out with Deandra, and he gave his rose this week to Kendall, an obvious lost cause. To me, Ivan seems like the full package - what are we missing?
7. James Bonsall (last week: 9th)
James finally gets a storyline this week! Unfortunately, it’s that nobody likes him, is romantically interested, or wants to give him the time of day. Woof. I do feel bad for the poor guy. For his sake, I’m excited for James to finally be put out of his misery and sent home.
8. Noah Erb (last week: 6th)
Yawn.
9. Thomas Jacobs (last week: 5th)
With each passing week, my suspicion of Thomas grows and grows. What are his motives? Is he here just to torment Aaron? Does he really feel strongly about Becca? Strong enough to leave Tammy rose-less and off the show? Is he just angling for another season in this franchise? Sigh. I’m not sure. I’m watching you Thomas.
10. Aaron Clancy (last week: 7th)
Always full of rage, Aaron spent the episode repeatedly saying “I told you so, I told you so, I told you so” towards Tammy’s direction. We get it, bro. The one bright side of Tammy’s elimination is that Aaron has to find another storyline, and if the preview for next week is any indication, he most certainly does. C’mon, drama king!
11. Brendan Morais (last week: 9th)
There’s an alternate universe where Brendan isn’t on season 7 of Paradise, one where he explores his relationship with Pieper without the scrutiny, keeps his public reputation intact, and doesn’t lose over a quarter of his precious Instagram followers. Honestly, I’m glad we don’t live in that universe! Brendan’s true colors have been exposed, and man are they ugly. His charged, nasty demeanor towards Natasha and her prospects in Paradise. The "disgruntled females” comment. Raising his voice at Maurissa. Nothing but red flags. Bach Nation deserved to know the truth about Brendan: he sucks!
Bach Babes
1. Serena Pitt (last week: 4th)
With my Core Four eliminated this week, Serena P naturally jumps up to number one. Week after week, she proves herself to be more adorable than we previously thought. She has that It Factor. Serena and Joe finally exchanging the Big L Word this week just further proves my point. Her reaction was precious, aww-inducing, and incredibly 23. A total sweetie.
2. Maurissa Gunn (last week: 9th)
Sucking toes on ABC is an absolutely wild move and takes a lot of nerve; I have no choice but to respect it. Of all the couples remaining, Maurissa and Riley have some of the wackiest moments together and are really putting it all out there. I’m always left ready for more with these two. They’re entertainers, they entertain!
3. Natasha Parker (last week: 8th)
It’s been a rough go for Natasha this season in Paradise. Her entire experience has been monopolized by a clout chasing human trash bag of a man. Her situation was unfair, and I’m glad production recognized this and awarded her with a (deserved!) pity rose. Things were looking up for Natasha… that is until she went on a date with Brendan’s best friend. Ugh. Fingers crossed next week Natasha can leave the Brendan of it all behind.
4. Becca Kufrin (last week: 7th)
Did a little research into Becca’s history with the franchise this week and WOOF. I did NOT realize Becca was the woman dumped on camera after she scored the engagement ring. Brutal. Brutal! Happy she got The Bachelorette gig as a consolation prize, but obviously it didn’t work out there either. Would love for her to finally find the one on Paradise. Third time’s the charm?
5. Tia Booth (last week: 12th)
Tia managed to prove me wrong and snatched a rose this week! Happy to see it. I loved her unabashed, relatable thirst for Blake and her dancing vagina comments were hilarious. Tia surprised me this week - love to be proved wrong!
6. Chelsea Vaughn (last week: 6th)
The runway model from Matt’s season was on the chopping block this week, but still managed to score a rose. Respect.
7. Abigail Heringer (last week 10th)
Snooze.
8. Mari Pepin-Solis (last week: 11th)
Mari was way too messy with her producing hand when it came to the triangle with Kenny and Demi. She was transparent in her antics without meaning to be, and that’s turned me off since week 2. Don’t see myself ever coming around to her. (However, I’ve been proven wrong before! Hi Joe.) She’s hot, so like, good for Kenny, sure. But I imagine we’ll see him back for season 9.
9. Kendall Long (last week: 13th)
Again, almost forgot to rank Kendall. Forgettable queen! She’s absent from the entire episode until the end when she begins to spiral into a breakdown. What happens next we will see come Tuesday, but I really don’t care. Leave Joe and Serena P alone!
10. Tammy Ly (last week: 2nd)
Worst birthday ever. Even worse than getting covid! Of course, Tammy did not disappoint and remained her iconic self up until the very end. Our final image of Tammy is her crying into a cupcake as she’s escorted away from Paradise. Perfection. Never change, Tammy Ly.
11. Demi Burnett (last week: 3rd)
Demi the destroyer is no more. Pouring one out for this monstrous agent of chaos. In real life, Demi would completely terrify me. But as a reality television archetype, she’s perfect for this franchise. She’s a machine. Quick to start drama and provide a soundbite, Demi was manufactured for this job. Disappointed to see her clock out before the finale.
12. Jessenia Cruz (last week: 1st)
Out of my four eliminated queens this week, Jessenia is the one I’m most surprised to see not get a happy ending on the show. I mean. She’s perfect, she’s beautiful, she looks like Linda Evangelista. She’s a model. Everything about her is perfect. Did she stone those tights? Oh, she’s smiling! They eat her up every. single. time. she’s on that damned stage. She. fsadjkl. She could walk out there in a fucking diaper and they’ll be like “Jessenia! Your smile is beautiful!”
13. Deandra Kanu (last week: 5th)
Deandra Kanu if you are reading this I'm free on Thursday night and would love to hang out. Please respond to this and then hang out with me on Thursday night when I’m free. Thank you.
14. Pieper James (last week: 14th)
Going to Paradise with a pre-existing relationship? A massive miscalculation for a woman with a masters in marketing. Have fun with Brendan I guess? Bye!
Sick and twisted that I had to rank Tammy, Demi, Jessenia, and Deandra in the damn double digits this week. Pain. Again, it's not right and it's NOT okay. How does the show go on without these four? Thankfully, there's only a few episodes left for us to find out. Who knows? Maybe there's a twist in store and this isn’t the last we’ve seen of them. Wishful thinking. Thanks for reading! :)