I Can't Finish Writing Anything
I guess I finished writing this, though.
Author note: This was written at a coffee shop during my writing group. Maybe I need to change the title of this newsletter! If you’re local and interested in joining, you can find us on Meetup.
I have been trying to write a complete book for approximately 2 years. I foolishly reached out to an editor at the beginning of this process to get on her schedule and said that I’d be done in 3 months. The absolute CONFIDENCE in that statement!! I shamefully reached out 2 weeks before we were to start saying I had not finished, and I would contact her later.
I haven’t reached out again.
In the last 2 years, I’ve tried to write a monster romance novel. I got about 13,000 words into that one. After that, I pivoted to writing a memoir. I topped out at maybe 25,000 words. Then I decided to start another draft of that, even though I hadn’t even finished the first draft. Again, stalling out around 15,000 words. I pivoted to writing a romance novel - that hovers around 12,000 words. And now, finally I am back to another monster romance novel. Currently hovering at 3,500 words.
If I were to take all of those totals combined, I’d probably finally have a first draft of something completed.
It is my greatest frustration as a writer to not have something completed, to show someone, to work on editing. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t like writing what I’m working on, if it’s because I get bored of a concept, or something else entirely.
Take for example, my memoir. I was super excited to get going on that. I even took a class where we worked on learning more about memoir and how to craft something that people would want to read. It was an incredible and supportive environment, but I don’t have much to show for it.
I even feel silly calling myself a writer sometimes. I write this. I’m working on a piece for Racket. I guess I don’t know if there is definitively one thing that makes you a writer, I guess I always thought if you had written a book, you were a writer. Perhaps I need to work to shift my mindset that you can write a whole bunch of things that no one will see, and still be a writer. The mere act of writing makes you a writer.
I think my biggest hang up is that I am afraid no one will read whatever I have written. Another fear of mine is that what if what I’ve written is BAD. I don’t like doing things I know I won’t be good at, which is definitively a me problem, and also a really terrible mindset to have.
I wanted to learn how to make sourdough. It took me about 8 loaves to make a good one. Once I achieved that goal, I have let my starter sit in the fridge unattended for several months. It has lost its novelty for me, and I no longer wish to keep perfecting that craft.
In the same vein, I think writing is maybe slowly starting to lose its novelty. At least, the trying to write a book side of things. I feel like I can only draft so many things and try and cobble some words together so many times.
And maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s time to give up on that goal for a while. I don’t know! Maybe that’s a cop out. Maybe this is where the real genius happens and I need to dig deep and find out what I’m made of. -cue montage sequence-
Anyway, this is just something I’ve been holding on to for a while. Call it a rant, a tirade, or some tired musings. I’ll update you when I hopefully finish a book. Or not!
<3 Martha