content advisory: suicidal ideation, self-harm

happy beltane <3

usually i love this season. it reminds me that i’m supposed to be here. on the day when i was the closest to actively suicidal that i’ve ever been (which luckily for me, is still not very close), i took a walk around my current neighborhood, which was then my new neighborhood, which decades ago was my childhood neighborhood. and there were lilacs everywhere. i smelled every bush i could and i had the distinct sense that the existence of the lilacs meant i was meant to be alive. this impacted me enough that i went on years later to get lilacs tattooed on my left forearm, the part of my body i had cut that day, which for a long time i thought would scar - lightly, thinly, but permanently.

the lilacs on my skin were drawn by my ex-platonic partner, who left last August. it’s the first birthday without her in several years. it’s strange to have this symbol i thought would always be essentially mine now represent someone i loved deeply and lost hard. lost in a whirlpool of shame and attachment triggers. lost in exactly the way it feels like i’ve always lost everyone - because i’m too much. because i scar easy.

which is to say, i’m not very excited about my birthday this year. i’m not even all that excited about sharing music these days. i’m still writing like mad, and that’s my favorite part - the conversations i get to have with myself. that’s safer, right? you don’t need affirmations or ego boosts when you’re in your own head. when you’re communing with the lake or with language or with memory. there’s no one to judge your pain or your sentimentality. no well-intentioned patronizing father (figure) to say, “where’s your gratitude?!” just the feeling of it. just the words that serve as a container when nothing else effectively does.

i’m still so thrilled about the lilacs though. not the ones on my body, but the ones that are magically, if too early, continuing to grace my old-current-likely soon to be former neighborhood. they may not be a raison d’etre, but that sweetness still smells like home.

love,

nola

listen live ~

Nola bday show: Saturday, May 9th; doors 6:30 PM, music 7:30 PM; Mousetrap; some street parking; two short flights of stairs; limited seating (reach out if you want a seat saved!); bring any food or n/a beverage you want for yourself; open mic after!

Fundraiser for state rep. Ryan Clancy (19th District): Saturday, June 6th; 7:00 PM; Delta Beer Lab

Make Music Madison: Sunday, June 21; 6:00 PM; Goodman Community Center

listen at home ~ birthday songs

Tightrope: growing up I thought that love was a crucible of sorts - this one will be released as my first single on streaming (Qobuz) on 6/21

25 (questions): 25 years, what do you know? did you conquer your fears? do the hard times show?

Lucky: thought I could take it with a spoonful of honey, thought I could get by acting like I don’t care

soberrated (on patreon - free): existential questions on sobriety, sex, and self-worth

life sparks ~

listening to: What Was That (Lorde), Naked in Manhattan (Chappell Roan), Hot & Heavy (Lucy Dacus), i wanna be your right hand (Nemahsis), All Through the Night (Anna Nalick), Gateway Drug (Suki Waterhouse), Heartthrob (Indigo De Souza), Everything is Embarrassing (Sky Ferreira), Who Made You This Sweet? (NoSo), Miss America (Maude Latour), How Come You Don’t Want Me (Tegan and Sara), Chinese Satellite (Phoebe Bridgers)

reading: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (David Schnarch) (thanks Faith!), Don’t Call Us Dead (Danez Smith) (thanks Bethany!), Cosmic Love at the Multiverse Hair Salon (Annie Mare) (thanks Liz!)

watching: Brown Sugar, Rye Lane, Queen & Slim, Rafiki, Naz & Maalik, Superbloom, Legends of Tomorrow, Fly Away Home, YouTube Roswell NM Malex clips

practicing: peppermint tea before bed, touching lake water, friends talking me down

creative themes: eviscerating the glorification of sex, literary fiction as metaphor for plot-less 30’s, unrequited limerence, aging & cynicism

learn about each other ~

ask me an anonymous (or not) question and I’ll respond in the next email <3