Words of Advice
A friend recently asked me to write some words of wisdom to their kid who’s graduating high school. They and their spouse were putting together a book of such thoughts from family members, colleagues, friends, and the like. (When I saw the list of contributors, I was so touched to be included among some folks whom I’ve respected from afar or who know the kid far better than I do!) I spent ages compiling my response and have received permission to share an edited version below:
Right before I graduated high school, there was a strange Top 40 radio hit. "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann was everywhere. It was a musical interpretation of a viral newspaper column, often misattributed in forwarded emails, but originally written by Mary Schmich. I know every word to this essay and think about it daily. In the interest of not getting it all stuck in your head, I’ll share with you one line that’s very relevant as you read my piece and others like it: “Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.” That is to say: take all this with a grain of salt! I know my own experience and how I look back at it, but maybe it’s not exactly applicable to you. (It’s also worth noting that, a year before I graduated high school, I wrote my own version of that speech, which was, let’s be honest, very presumptuous about my own 17-year-old wisdom! (Also, I wrote it in my then-version of a newsletter so it served as a precursor to this mailing now.)) So here’s a whole slew of thoughts I have put together. They might be in conflict with other pieces of advice you receive. That’s okay! The human experience is vast. So are human beliefs. You’re well-placed and well-equipped to take all this as it comes and make your way forward.
Along these lines, I’ll lump a few thoughts together in themed sections below. Is it all advice I know how to take? No. Is it all advice I’m giving to myself too? Yes. Some of it’s hard-learned, and some has been gentler.
Your friendships will evolve. I mean the ones you have now and the ones you will have. The old song goes “Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.” And boy did I not understand that when I was a young kid hearing it for the first time. You’ll have lifelong friends whom you’ve already met who you keep in touch with constantly. Or not. You may only reconnect with them sporadically, and sometimes it’ll feel like no time has passed at all. Other times it’ll feel like you need to relearn each other. Some friends you’ll outgrow, or they’ll outgrow you. These are all completely valid and it doesn’t mean the connection you’ve had is worth any more or less. I read recently something along the lines of, “If all you have in common is a shared past, you don’t necessarily need to keep being friends,” and I realized how that’s true & not-true at the same time. There’s folks I’ve realized who all we do is talk about the old days and I don’t want that to be the relationship, and there’s folks who that’s fine if that’s what we have. Just know that it’s okay to walk away. Above all else, though, be reliable as a friend. That doesn’t necessarily mean picking up every time somebody calls, but it does mean showing up as best you can and being honest about what you can do. It’s almost never bad to reach out to somebody you haven’t talked to in a while, to say hi & let them know you’re thinking of them.
You’ll build community through classmates, instructors, activity peers, neighbors, and more. And find the support structures that work for you. Therapy can be enormously useful as a way to feel out things that are in your head and soul, out loud, with a third party. Spiritual practices can be that too. Many people find support in a “third place” – this used to be places like coffeeshops, social clubs, libraries – not home, not workplace, but a third place. Lots of the value people found in those has either shifted online or disappeared. If you find one of these that works for you, revel in it.
Speaking of supports, I’d be remiss not to say things about physical health. Exercise regularly, in some way that makes you happy-ish. Learn how to stretch in ways that feel doable daily. Drink water. I spent many of my adult years not keeping these daily habits up, and the combination of them has made various parts of my life much more difficult and feeling prematurely old. I particularly wish I’d ever taken up running as a practice. (I wish this particularly when I’m trying to catch a connecting flight. That’s not the only time, though.) These get harder to incorporate if you don’t start early. Avoid that! Same thing with meditation: the ability to quiet your mind and sit in stillness is underrated.
Write anywhere you want to, but also always write for yourself. Sure, you can learn about yourself by reading some essay you published a few years ago, but you can also learn a lot more by reading something you wrote privately then too. Relatedly, keep some of your life off the internet. It’s very unpredictable what’s going to stick around online permanently or get grabbed. This is not just about documentation, though, it’s also about experience: have times where you just turn off the phone and don’t take a camera. Just be there. Read a whole book for fun, take a walk, or consume a whole album or movie in one sitting. You’ll find your enjoyment of it different. While you’re at it, swing through more used bookstores and read something you haven’t heard of before. Maybe the ideas haven’t aged well, but more likely this book has influenced some creator you’ve more recently enjoyed. Find these opinions that challenge you and figure out what makes you uncomfortable – or too comfortable. Overall, read for fun and your own exploration. It’s too easy for reading and writing to feel like work. And, yeah, I said keep some things offline, but don’t forget to back up your data to multiple spaces! I’ve lost too many digital photos and other keepsakes.
Learn to cook a few things, if not totally by heart, then at least comfortably with the recipe nearby. This will serve you individually and endear you to others. It will also just plain come in handy sometimes. In fact, get comfortable with some classic skills around the house, beyond the kitchen, that serve: how to do laundry, how to change a flat tire, how to use a drill, how to tie a necktie. Lots of these can be learned pretty quickly, given a bit of patience and room for mistakes. Plus, most of these are easy to learn via YouTube!
When you get chances to travel, do so. You’ll build memories and character and a better sense of the world. With time, there’ll be constraints on your ability to travel, whether it’s money, physical ability, jobs, family needs. But in the next few years, you’re likely to have so many options. Jump at them. Many people don’t have the privilege to do so, and many people who do don’t take advantage of it. Travel situations help you get comfortable with being uncomfortable, get flexible, get creative. It’ll also be a way to practice budgeting, a skill that serves you individually and eventually as a household and likely as a professional.
Appreciate what others bring to the table. That takes some maturity and is the crux of empathy, I’d argue. This is the kind of muscle you have to train a few different ways. I’ve mostly done this through my work and creative life in the arts, but I think you can accomplish this with group projects for classes, shared housing, any number of ways. I honestly think it’s the kind of mutual appreciation that’s been pushed out of modern western culture: many of us are focused on individual success without respect for others’ needs and strengths. Don't be the smartest person in the room, unless there's a good reason to be (and you know that you’re leaving that room at some point).
Much of what I’ve written comes from choices I’ve directly made or not made. I’ve wondered about them after the fact, for years, worrying: did I ruin my chances at success? Did I hurt someone? Did I do the wrong thing by not optimizing? I’m working on this anxiety and, honestly, that’s a big part of this whole growing up thing too, is recognizing that the past is what it was and if it hadn’t played out that way, I’d be a different person.
Something I come back to in my work, and I thought this was an Anthony Bourdain quote but it doesn’t seem to be: at the end of the day, everybody just wants to go to bed happy, loved, and well-fed. Remember that.
Okay that’s all that. Uh, we’re overdue for all the following, hey? Let me do some roundups of 2024 so-far. Maybe I’ll get another newsletter out before The Baby comes!
Reading:
Still slowly making my way through Blue Highways, apparently at a pace more leisurely than I remember. I devoured Adult Drama by Natalie Beach—it made me want to WRITE. 1000 Words also had that effect, though I’m reading it more like a set of meditations. I finished My Berlin Kitchen at long last. I’m of course reading Our Narrow Hiding Places by friend-of-the-Neil Kristopher Jansma. I’ve saved dozens of articles tagged as Newsletter in my little file but I’ll leave you with just a few. I think a lot about the music at CVS (and have had a lot of time there in the past few years). I now also think about the music at GAP stores. The 60s were a strange time including for a serial killer and a chimp. How do you approach a vacation home kitchen?
Eating:
Memorable meals out this year have included a solo dinner at Manakeesh, group outings to Alpen Rose and K-Pot, the FDR Park Southeast Asian Market with Broad Street Review, rijsttafel at Sampurna, top-ranked pizza at nNea, and a journalistic sandwich tour of Northwest Philadelphia. At home, we’ve been making a lot of baked oatmeal, Trader Joe’s tamales, and cucumber-pasta-tomato salads.
Beating:
Michael the DJ is occasionally dropping mashup albums which consistently delight me. I continue to swing through nostalgia through 90s/00s-radio playlists like one inspired by The Nerve in Rochester, similarly one of WDRE in Philly, Rob Alesiani’s 60 (Maybe More) Songs That Explain My 2000s. I got to know the works of Joshua Ray Walker and talk about his covers album on an episode of Blanketing Covers.
Deleting:
In preparation for Baby Bardhan, we’ve gone through so much in this house and there’s always more to do! I’ve given away my collection of vintage community cookbooks. We’ve had a blanket made of some favorite old t-shirts. We also replaced some living room furniture.
Retreating:
The big thing so far was 10 days in The Netherlands. I hadn’t been back since I left there in 2013, and Kelsey had never been before. So we spent a few days each in Nijmegen, Utrecht, Texel, and Amsterdam. We rode bikes, had meals with old friends, and ate cheese. Everything was truly lovely. Parts of Nijmegen are just like I left them (the cheese shop, Habbekrats, Cafe Samson) and others are baffling because time and memory are fickle pals. We also had family beach vacation in Lewes, DE this year which opened up new opportunities like tax-free shopping and Dogfish Head beers. We camped near Jim Thorpe for Memorial Day weekend. I had an overnight trip to Charlotte for my college friend’s birthday and a grand reunion was had: I picked up where I left off with some folks whom I used to see every day, but haven’t seen in 10-20 years.
Closer to home and more natural, we’ve hit old stand-by walks like John Heinz NWR and the Natural Lands preserves. New spots included Parvin State Park in NJ, Chester Creek Trail, TK TK. Chicory Lane Farm was an absolute joy near State College with a personal tour from the landowner.
Meeting:
I’ve been on a few podcasts this year. There’s the aforementioned Blanketing Covers, Mission Story Slam, Philadelphia Revealed, and Talkin’ 2024.
Let’s do this again soon!
Neil