I took the crackheads for a walk in the field this morning.
It’s not only the most accessible nature to me, being right aside of my house, but it’s also the best for them, as they can romp through the corn and grass, get covered in burs, and simply enjoy the freedom of being off-leash. There’s a lot of joy that bubbles up inside of me while I watch them. An immediate hit of dopamine that’s longer lasting, though not by much, than what’s achieved while doomscrolling.
And, man, that dopamine is greatly needed right now.
Tomorrow, I must make a decision that will drastically reshape my life. Whether for the better or the worse, I won’t know until after, at which point a reversion will be too late. This, then, is not something to be taken lightly — I’ve been heavily debating which way to move, which path to tread, for many months now. That doesn’t make it any easier.
Of course, I’m keeping this intentionally vague. In the longrun, my choice in this matter will be but a blip. Never to be forgotten but not detrimental, either. Just a decision that I know will hurt for a while before that pain, hopefully, quells and my life moves on.
I thought of this as I walked with the pups in the field. The birds chirped and flew overhead; a deer paused between corn and tree line to eye us in our approach, then meandered on, unbothered. Mabel (pictured below) stuck close by my side, only venturing off to truck over Emmie before returning and getting underfoot. As I stuck to the trimmed path, flicked between looking in the rows of corn and the brush of the tree line.
No matter how I attempted to distract myself, the lump forming in my throat would not dissipate. Many times I wondered whether I would have to pause in my walk to vomit. Thankfully, that was not the case.
The field is not where I usually go when in need of nature. Only recently have I even considered it, and especially not for photographic potential. When I walked the demons last evening, and again this morning, however, I found there was, indeed, something worthwhile in this environment. Perhaps its not as obvious as my usual stomping grounds, but the ease of access alone makes it worth exploring. For now, I walk without my camera, absorbing as much as I can, witnessing how things change in their slight ways with each passing day.
What I find most interesting is the lack of manmade noise, despite the heavy powerlines overhead. Their constant whirr is only prevalent when underneath — otherwise, there is little evidence that man is around. Even the houses adjacent the field are quieter than those adjacent the local woodland. Shocking, considering how man has devastated this land with commercial aggrigulture, with unnatural processes.
Tomorrow, I will walk the field again, follow the same path as today and last evening, but I will return home a different man.
— C