update for accountability's sake
hey gang,
I’m back to worsen your inboxes, sorry about that! Though, I mean, not to minimize how irritating I am but if this is the worst part of your week then you are crushing it at the life game. On the other hand, if this is yet one more dirty flake in the record breaking snowfall of slights and irritations that you have to shovel your way through - just in order to keep on trucking through a stupid world you don’t even want to interact with, god damn - well, then, uh, sorry about that too?
Anyhow I wanted to send out a little writing update for my own sake. I turned in a draft and I don’t want to talk about it so I will because I figure giving into that anxiety’s not a great habit. Speaking of which, I really need to deal with my email! [Breaks out in a cold sweat.] The story with this draft, in short, is that I got asked to write something for an audience of labor historians about an early 20th century US court case relating to occupational safety and health and I ended up writing a thing mostly about how we should all be socialists. (I don't understand it either, the heart wants what it wants I guess.) I’m worried they’ll hate and reject it because it’s too weird and I’m also worried that they’ll hate and reject it because it’s obvious. It probly can’t be both of those, so I guess I’m not only beset by worries but am also real stupid. Fair enough. Here I stand I can do no other. And weird and obvious as the point may be, I'm still right: capitalism even at its very best tramples upon human dignity, so we should all be socialists.
I turned that thing in with a mix of relief and fear last night - after many hours of slowly fixing the citations (I keep saying I’ll learn a citation manager, but I say a lot of things), hours artificially extended by my being anxious about the response and so wanting to delay turning it in and also my being impatient and bored and coping badly with that by continuing to stop work on the stupid footnotes and going to do some other stupid unsatisfying thing. Once again I have lived a compelling chapter in the drama of human history. “And so passed the time given to me on earth.”
Today I was tired and restless, read a little, and late in the day remembered that I should be working on this new book project, which I shelved for a bit to finish my lousy article. I had to do so, I tell myself, because I had to meet the deadline, and that’s true, but to be to totally honest I was delighted to have that obligation as an excuse to not type toward this new book, because the best thing about writing is a virtuous excuse to not do it. I was not writing during dinner, for instance, and let me tell you, that ruled! So yeah, working on a new book? Terrible idea! Worst option ever! So I’m gonna do it. I set up a spreadsheet to track progress and made some charts - I think I got too into that because, again, excuse not to write - and then I was tempted to knock off for the day but instead I made myself grind out some words. I hit a thousand. They’re garbage. But the goal is to have a ton of garbage and then sift it for bits to ferment. Thirty thousand on topic words, allowed to suck, expected to suck to be honest.
I also start back to teaching soon. I’m not allowed to complain because I had a really long break in January (there’s a January term at my work - I don’t buy that you can learn a semester’s worth in that short of a time but I love the longer winter break it provides; I rarely teach in the January term because it pays less than the time off is worth) and the fact that I’m not allowed to complain is the only reason I’m not currently complaining. As Herbert Mellville’s character Bartie the Scribbler once said, I can’t remember the quote correctly I just know I was born to be rich because I like having money but don’t like working. The semester starting up soon will slow down my time to thirty thousand words. That means I gotta be extra diligent I guess, which is not where my disposition or energy level is right now. With that in mind, I wanted to send you this link to charts tracking my progress and whatnot: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-TfoyzIQ3lNfU8D02L6K_2yi4RzBwbY4bW0_6-DZq1g/edit?usp=sharing
Sending this to you will make me feel more accountable and I could use that - I’m trying to stack my fears and vices into a shape approximating to virtue, you see. So if you think of me please make sure you're thinking suspicious, judgmental thoughts about how I ought to be writing. Thank you for your support.
Alright, update concluded, over and out!
Hang in there,
Nate