i feel like i'm being held together by dollar store brand scotch tape

i feel so unbelievably fragile, like the slightest gust of wind could shatter me 

i have lost all of the little self-confidence i had started to build for myself

i feel like all the progress i made has done nothing but send me back to the start

it's not just that i don't trust myself, i don't trust anyone

i'm paranoid

every word of kindness is laced with a dose of poison, slowly working its way in to eventually stop my heart

every opportunity or stroke of luck is bait meant to lower my guard and draw me into the maw of the trap

joy carries disaster and ruin the way a rodent might carry disease

before, i could tell there was a difference between reality and what i believed

but now, it's almost impossible because i am so fucking scared that if i think for a second that i can trust someone, my neck will be taken instantly on the chopping block

i'm certain if i let myself see something, someone, anything in the world as good, then i will be exposed and violated and then instantly shattered beyond repair

because i'm threadbare now

i don't know what's left

i'm scared to learn

stagnation used to terrify me but now i'm begging for things to never change just so i can avoid the risk of more of this

there's nothing to look forward to

if i try that again i won't survive

i just need to survive

god please

i just need to breathe again

i don't want to be happy

i just don't want to be scared anymore