Something I’ve learned over the years is how impossible it is to remain ethical while surviving.

I’ve been fortunate to be in therapy for most of my adult years. It helps, mostly. But there’s a common refrain from nearly every therapist I’ve worked with…

“You have extremely strong morals.”

It’s something I’ve always known — those values are why I couldn’t maintain any kind of religious faith, why I’m bad at shutting up about injustices, why I can’t stay in certain jobs for too long…

And that’s the rub, right? I have a breaking point. The more time I spend in certain industries, certain circles, the more I come to know about certain people… The more I find myself breaking under the weight of what I come to learn.

One therapist identified it in me right away. Moral injury — the damage done to one’s conscience when a violation of one’s moral values and ethics is committed. It was nice to have a name for the experience, a relief in knowing that it existed with some degree of logic…

I just wish naming it changed something.

It’s been years since I worked with that therapist. In those years, the injury has never fully healed. If anything, it’s reopened, festered with infection and spread deeper — wider — across my soul.

I’ve learned more secrets since then. More about the things that go on behind closed doors and the devastating outcomes that follow. More about people who have done harm, continue to do harm, and of those who turn a blind eye. More of scammers and fraudsters and abusers… More missing stairs.

But the risk of whistleblowing is high. No matter your knowledge, no matter your evidence… Without security and support, you are not safe. And if you build a reputation of sounding the alarm, you quickly lose access to the places you try holding accountable. You are made a pariah for the sake of others’ own survival — because we all have bills to pay, mouths to feed…

Having ethics often makes you powerless. Because the most ethical of people don’t grab onto power.

So the knowledge grows, the secrets get heavier… And the injury extends deeper into the marrow.