I’ve always been a future-minded person. Anxiety kind of just does that — takes hold of you and drags you out of your body and into this liminal space of “what if” in an effort to brace you for the worst.

What if I forget to turn off the stove at night?

What if the cat slips out the door when I’m not looking?

What if I’m late to my appointment?

What if I get hit by a car?

What if the person I love dies?

What if one of us has to go to the hospital?

What if I lose my job?

What if, what if, what if…

Yet no matter how many scenarios I find myself trapped in — no matter how much I try to be prepared — I’m always caught off guard when it all comes to pass and everything falls apart.

I tried so hard last year to get my feet back on the ground. To start living in the present. I was doing everything right to make it happen. Taking risks despite my gut, putting myself first in situations I would otherwise sacrifice myself over, taking care of my health, finding my voice to advocate for myself, getting better at asking for help… And then it all came crashing down like dominos, crushing me under its weight.

In the moments that I’m left alone with my thoughts, I spiral. I can’t stop myself. I look back, and I don’t see misfortune or injustice or tragedy. I see mistakes. I see failure. I see a selfish person who got themselves into this mess and deserves to face the consequences of being so self-absorbed and reckless. I see everything I did, or tried to do, as the reason I’m here.

I don’t recognize that I put in the work. I don’t see the blood, sweat, and tears that I shed to build something better. I don’t believe myself when I try. Even when I remind myself that I would never talk to someone I love like this, I can’t turn that grace inward.

Because I did this to myself. I didn’t prepare enough, didn’t try hard enough, didn’t listen enough, didn’t do enough…

Because I’m not enough.

I don’t know what the future looks like anymore. I don’t know how to escape from this spiral. I’m not giving up. I have people to take care of, to support. But I’m tired. Tired of planning and preparing and trying to solve problems. Tired of trying. Tired of getting back up.

I’m so tired of “It WILL be okay.” Why can’t it just BE already?