Moon Memo: The Fog Burns Off
Good morning from a very foggy Portland, Oregon.
This week has been quiet. Sex and movies. A little bit of writing. No contact about interviews or work. So about the same there wise.
Talked a little about Jesus with a new friend. Amazing to see someone coming from outside of a religious background finding the rebel christ that I learned to love in college, before conditional love for my queerness swooped in and broke my heart. The Jesus who decried the rich, who loved the prostitute, who gathered with men who he loved. The rabble rouser. The murdered teacher from a backwater. "But a big theme in the gospels is that Jesus is important because he is nobody: he’s a Galilean. Galilee was a backwater, outside the Jewish mainstream. It had recently been involved in an insurrection. People are making cracks about Jesus’s hometown in different places in the gospels." That's Sarah Ruden, who wrote a new translation of the Gospels, who my friend is infatuated with. The man of the backwater, turned into a salvation.
Another friend wanted to call me mommy. Calls me mommy when she is wet against my gloved hand. I don't know how I feel about that. I call myself a trans mom, mostly as a joke. To be actual mommy, in a sexual way, is weird to me. Everyone wants someone to swoop in and give them care. But does that have to be presented in a way like mommy, like daddy? Can't we just be friends fucking and crying in each other's arms sometimes, hot in the mutual care without hierarchy or power? Maybe this is because my mom was less a parent than a fellow sibbling for me, but mommy has different connotations. Irresponsibility. Kindness, but also weirdness. But I love being in charge in bed. Call me Mrs. Moon, and I stand up straighter, and take my responsibilities very seriously. But not mommy. No.
A STI freak out yesterday. A partner of a friend who I've fucked had a lover with a lover who tested positive for a serious STI. My risk for infection is low. Bits do not go inside my ass. No blood. No open wounds. Mouths and fingers and toys only. I'm on meds that protect against HIV. But of course I freaked out. Immediate testing. Negative for everything. No direct exposure of any kind. But also...I am a kid of AIDS. I stayed in the closet for years because of AIDS and violence. So I carry that old fear inside of me.
I know girls who are HIV positive. I know that life is a lot different now. I know that the meds have made it very survivable, and thriveable. I know that there are ways to be sensual and good without worry.
And of course I worry, just as I know my mom worries. Just as my cisgender friends worry.
There is risk in this lovely beautiful nurturing delightful life that I live. But the beautify of this life is that we are trying to live, and learn, and find compassion in our queerness.
Jade and I talked about this last night. I play safe for them as much as for myself. They told me that they would love me and take care of me and be with me through illness, regardless of what it is. How in the world am I so blessed? How did I deserve this beautiful life.
Second cappuccino of the day. Hiss of coffee machines and chatter about The President. Putting on the headphones, and throwing on Mope Grooves. A dead girl singing in my earbuds, again.
Tomorrow is Misha Moon day. 8 years living full time as a trans woman. How did the time get here? I have no clue. I'm living as Misha for a sixth of my life. I have a long way to go to make it it a quarter, half, the majority. I gotta survive to get there.
Not going to make a big deal about it except say I'm very glad to be alive.
Leather jacket is on its way. Thanks to everyone who helped me get a new one. The generosity of the world. It's overwhelming. People just swooped in to help when they heard I had a need. Is this how it's supposed to be? I think it is.
Flying to Nebraska next friday. Graye's funeral. Not excited. But I love them, and I miss them. And I am grateful for their community. Discomfort, but also wonder. The way to live.
The fog is starting to burn off. I'm going to accept all the glory and wonder of this beautiful day.
Love you all a lot.
Misha Lynn Moon
