Moon Memo: The Day after my WPATH Letter
The day after my WPATH meeting
“There’s an element of cruelty in teaching, and in learning.”
Nietzche
Woke up really really depleted today. I don't know what I am going to do to pretend to be a useful part of the work team today. I don't want to talk to a single cisgender person.
I've cried a lot in the last 24 hours. It's as if a lot of the shit I've been carrying over for a decade has finally found its way out, and I don't know how I'm going to be a productive member of anything right now. I'm just sitting here trying to vibe my way through it. And I don't want to vibe my way around it.
I'm just so angry. I could have fought back against the gatekeepers more when I was younger (still old for this world. I was 36 when I burst open the world). A doctor told me when I was 36 that I was too heavy for any kind of gender affirming surgery (this is the same doctor that made me spend a year without hormones). I could have said "no, give me what I want" more. I could have been less "I must accept this and suffer my way" than I was. The layover in Jesusland never stopped, I guess. Suffering makes you more Christlike, and all that.
But I was figuring this out mostly on my own. We didn't have large groups of support. I had books, and girlfriends, and the 4 people who I knew. And then the explosion happened, and things have gone faster, and I have to not compare myself to these newer younger girls.
And I was still a teacher. So I had to hide a lot. And I was still trying to be a "good tranny". I was still trying to fit in to straight cis society. So. I listened to the gatekeepers. I gave up on my dreams, again.
All I want is an orchiectomy. To join with the river of history, of Eunuchs being blessed, of our sacrifice of flesh to turn ourselves sacred. All I've ever wanted. All I've ever needed.
And I all I ever wanted was the be loved how I saw myself. As beautiful and eunuched and other in my own way. A big breasted other. And now all I have is being loved for what I am. And that is beautiful.