Hello from The American hotel in Seattle, where I spent yesterday being lazy. Nothing sexy. Just the quiet life of the lazy girl.

I am reading a book on Heresy.

"This, then, is a book about heresy and about how beliefs and ideas are violently silenced. But it is also about the ways in which people silence themselves. It is about the far more insidious ways in which things become first unwritable, then unsayable and finally unthinkable."

HERESY: JESUS CHRIST AND THE OTHER SONS OF GOD, Catherine Nixey

Another trans girl staying here. cat girl headphones. I wonder if she even notices I'm trans. Or if I am just too repulsive for that. Who even notices the fat trans woman? She is doubly invisible to desire: trans and fat. Sometimes you need to be less good to yourself, Misha Moon. Sometimes you have to feel repulsive enough to make changes.

I just ate a bunch of delicious dumplings at a Dim Sum restaurant. I was walking out with a bunch of extras for supper, and there was a hungry man who looked at me with utter disdain. And I gave him my dumplings, and he smiled and we talked and he said "have a good day, MA'AM!!!" Made a big show of the m'am. And I'm glad someone has a belly full of something other than emptiness today. If being M'amed agressively is the cost, then so be it.

Every coffee shop I've been to in Seattle plays the same shitty music. This one in particular doesn't know how to make a cappuccino, but it's still a delicious coffee. Portland is a better coffee city. Yes, I said it, and I mean it.

Like I said: nothing sexy. I sat at my laptop and typed and typed and typed. Wrote a very long poem that I chopped in two. I'll put them both below, then close this out.

Today is going to be a good one. Seattle public library and dinner with my nibbling Flynn. I've known them since I was married and they were a toddler. Now they are a vibrant queer ass 20 something and I'm a woman. How incredible. We are going to a gay bar and talking about the last 5 years. Tuesday: more writing, and then going to a furry bar. How strange a life this is.

Anyway, Have a good one dears.

I am the warning and I am the warned

When I told my friend I was afraid every time I pissed
in public, that I remembered how a woman slapped me
until my lip bled my first year wearing the dress, that I

am the warning and I am the warned, that I am a woman
dripping afraid in every shower, every swim, every bar
paired into a binary of excrement, my voice and splash

a chyron of threat in every single fucking room she asked
how can we welcome you into womanhood better, how
can we show up for your fears and failures, how can we

take your hand in sisterhood, pour enough yessing and
queening into your body, let you reign with us forever?
The question is the answer. I will always be monstrous.

Why I have to be careful peeing in public

For I am a threat of change reigning eternal. I am every
risk of chemistry and knives, every wicked question set
against fathers and their missing blame, against mothers

and their reign of answers. I am a positive heresy, choices
formed in dresses and criticism, in dangerous gatherings
covening us together, knotting us in lonely polycules. I am

a rending of garments and a shower of ashes. I am pierced
for my transgressions every week that I remember. I have
carved myself away from nature, made every piss in public

a slap fight with other women who demon me, sharpen me
with their fear and power. I am warning and I am warned.
I am womanhood dripping in every public shower, voice

and splash a chyron of threat in the hearts of mothers. I am
an explanation no one wants to give to children. I am every
sin spilled open, done in remembrance of every missing girl.