Moon Memo: Harm Reduction
Hello from Portland, Oregon. I am at an undisclosed location because I am going to commit a crime. I am going to shoplift a little something to remind myself that I am alive.
The last week has been brutal. Made the decision to crush someone's feelings because of my boundaries. This is not a bad thing, just a sad thing. No one should stay in a relationship because they don't feel comfortable in the boundaries that they have set for themselves, for their other partners, for their life. Past trauma comes into it. Risky behavior comes into it. And so I ended it. And I feel like the worst villain.
I still like her a lot. My feelings have not changed for her. But I saw my feelings heading in a dark place towards her. And I didn't want to be that person.
So I did the hard break. And I am very sure I lost a dear wonderful beautiful glorious part of my life. And I will have to live with it.
On Sunday I was feeling harmful towards myself. On Monday I felt myself slipping into dissociation. On Tuesday I led a new hire orientation, or at least a robot version of Misha Moon ran it. I started to feel sick during it. On Wednesday I woke up feeling sick. Today I woke up and looked out the window and saw the crimsoning of the leaves next door. I could smell the leaves turning towards crispy. A little rain fell. Autumn, the best part of the year, has come. And I am not going to hate myself in Autumn. So I'm trying to let go.
Two table downs a trans person is talking about their job working in harm reduction, being interviewed by somebody for a journalism project. I want to tell them I see them, and that I'm grateful for them and their work. The world is hard enough without people who care about others in their community. I wonder sometimes if we are even making a difference in the work that we do. At least our small parts of it.
Harm reduction. Self protection. Stealing from a store that has done long term harm in it's killing of corporate taxes. It's all part of a cycle of brokenness I think.
I refuse to live in a world where we can't think in the long term. Someone recently told me that because of their own life experiences they can't make long term goals. They carpe their diem, and I absolutely get that. But that's not me. I live in a world that will be here in 40 more years. It will be hard, and it will be broken, but it will be here. And I want to be here for it.
I'm drinking coffee and writing in little notebooks. I am trying to make my world a little better. I'm doing the best that I can.
Thank you for reading. I'm sorry if this is a little bit of a downer. Happy autumn to those that celebrate.
Love and stuff,
Misha Lynn Moon
P.S. I didn’t end up shoplifting today. So it goes. :-)