Moon Memo: Desire
Good morning from the Albina Press, the one that actually lives on Albina. It is Thursday, which means that Jade isn't working, which means that I get to head wherever I want before work. So I am coffee shopping, as god intended me to. Neighborhood spot. Quiet.
I just ordered another e-reader because of course I need another e-reader. Trying to have a tool that won't show me video or chats this summer so I can read at home without distraction. Or I could just turn my ipad into a dumber device. But we know what that howl is. We know what pulls us when all the energy that we have at the end of the day is consumption. Couch iPad is great, but it's not really the best for getting back into books.
The Boox Palma that I bought a year ago is too small. It's easy to lose. It's like reading off a phone. I don't want to read off a phone. I want to read off a magic library of every single book.
And I want to get back into books. I want to read A/S/L by Jeanne Thornton this summer. I want to be able to get into the house and turn off my phone for a while and read a chapter when I get home. Read in the back yard in the mornings with a coffee and the cool of the day. You know, the beautiful life.
Because there isn't much beautiful in this life, it feels like. Just a lot of suffering. Trans kids are about to lose their hormones. Which is just a short step to me losing mine. The continued gestapo of ICE. La Migra breaking down doors. Arresting at courts. The horrors of Palestine, and the war with Iran. The befuddled king baby. And we are still drinking coffee and eating croissants in coffee shops.
Last movie night is Saturday. I'm so tired. I just wish it wasn't real anymore. I want to stay home and get my shit together. I don't think I'm going to get my shit together.
I had two very bad dysphoria days. Usual root cause: posted cute nudes and got very little interaction, while hotter skinnier girls got maximum interaction. The community of desire is very much more open to girls who have a passable chance. And I pass as a fat girl. My friend Tina and I talked about this recently, that you have to work so much harder to prove that you are beautiful when you are fat.
Throw out there the fact of my trans body, my hairy trans body, my broad shouldered fat trans body, and the community of desire shrinks.
I have a reputation of being a bit of a slut. And that comes from working hard at it. I have to be the one that initiates every time. I can't remember the last time someone flirted with me first.
And I know how pitiful that sounds. I know. I know.
One thing that my dysphoria sent me searching for was what past girls on the internet were doing to find a community of desire. They were doing the same thing: posting selfies. Joining web rings and bulletin boards. Finding the community they could online. Winning awards granted by mysterious faceless cabals (most dedicated transexual is one of my favorites). Going through the wayback machine for geocities trans girls pointed out there were no fat girls. Maybe they were ignored to death. Who knows.
The new job is a job. My favorite coworker is leaving, which is disappointing. Bigfoot obsessed big bearded boy. The kind of guy I always wanted to be. Nerd. Plays metal guitar. He's been there for 10 years, and 10 years is long enough for any job, it seems.
My boss sweats the small stuff. It's hard for me to sweat the small stuff. The small stuff seems smaller and smaller as time goes on.
There's a lot more I could talk about, but I don't have consent of the parties involved. Let's just say Jade is cute when they are in serious like. And leave it at that.
This little laptop I got for a steal is working great. The quiet machine. I love writing on it so much. I made the tactical error of signing into a social media site. It's time to block that bullshit. This is a machine for words. I need monotaskers in my life again.
And that's enough. Take care of yourselves. Flirt with a a fat trans woman, or someone out of your comfort zone. Drink plenty of water. Be kind to yourself.
Love and stuff,
Misha Moon