Waypoint Beyond the Horizon – mnchrm vol. xxx

Today is my birthday. It feels weird typing that. It makes me uncomfortable about it in a way, as if to say so, to acknowledge it, is to claim some sort of privilege simply for existing. It feels unearned.

For the past few year, I've written a sort of reflection on my birthday. How the past year went for me, what of my goals I accomplished, and what I set out to do in the coming year. As of today, I'm 24. In the five-act-structure of my life (assuming I spontaneously combust at 40, which is the current plan), I've completed act three, the turning point, and am now heading into the spiral, where I'll make a bunch of hasty and ill-conceived decisions towards the true climax and meaning of my life. Or something like that.

It can be fun and cathartic to look over the past year of my life, which is conveniently close to the calendar year, and admire all the goals I achieved, all the things that I've done. To stack my life now in comparison to the person I was a year ago. But in truth, I didn't hit many of the goals I'd set out for. In fact, in many ways, I'm in nearly the same position I was in at 23.

I'm still a freelancer, like so many my generation. I've been doing contract work for a lot of the same companies I was working for before. I haven't been published yet, and in fact slouched on my attempts to be near the end of last year. Aside from having a completed draft, my novel still needs to be entirely re-written and reworked; I'm not closer to having a book out than I was last year. I'm still reliant on an employer for work, and don't have any of my own ventures to generate work or income.

Yet, I'm not writing off last year as a failure, or even redundant; not by a long shot. In many ways, just by working and living and trying to create I made big strides in understanding myself, and what I'd like to do, and most of all the person I'd like to be. I haven't gotten that seven-figure advance yet, but a lot happened to refocus, reaffirm, and reorient my goals.

I moved in with my beautiful girlfriend, into an apartment far nicer than one either of us had lived in prior. I wrote a lot of pieces I was proud of, and had a lot of conversations over the work I created that helped me understand something even further. I met some incredible people, all of whom have things to teach me. I came to understand what sort of work I'd like to make, and what sort of impact I'd like to have on the world.

I'm not at all the person I was a year ago. Each year I get smarter, stronger, more resolved, and a little bit closer to the man I'd like to become. It's a long road ahead of me. Each year only confirms that more. But it's a road I'm excited to walk, and through walking I get closer to understanding the destination.

In our progress-focused society, it's easy to feel bad about not moving fast enough. We see our friends and peers online who all seems to be living in a perpetual dream. It's difficult to not compare your life to theirs; even harder to not compare yours to yourself. It's easy to beat yourself up for not yet achieving your goals. Maybe I would have a year ago. But by being here another year, it's clearer to me now more than ever that each day we make strides whether it seems that way or not.

I haven't set any firm goals for 2019, the first year in memory where this is the case. It didn't seem necessary this year. I still want to do much of what I wanted to do last year, but the final outcomes and the process to get there is clearer now. I'm not sure where I'm going, or where I'll end up. I might not ever achieve what I've set out for. For me, simply having the waypoint set beyond the horizon, and spending each day doing my best to get there is enough.

Thank you so much to all those I've had the pleasure of interacting with. All the wonderful friends I've met and continue to meet over the years. Thanks so much for all the people who read the words I write. I hope they help you understand and learn a bit more about this beautiful world than you did before, as they do for me.

I don't know what's on the horizon. I'm already thinking beyond that. Here's to another great year of wonder and exploration. Maybe we'll find where we're going.

Your faithful commander,
 – I