Some Thoughts. — mnchrm vol. lx
Hello friends. The world looks a lot different since I last sent one of these out. Apologies for the delay, it just all happened so fast.
It’s weird, living through a historical event. I guess we’re constantly living through history, but not every day will be etched so deeply into the records as these days might be.
I think today is the 16th day of self-isolation, of social distancing, or whatever your preferred term is. My girlfriend and I have been staying at home, leaving slightly less frequently than once a week to get groceries, and not otherwise. I’ve been fortunate to continue to do video editing work remotely, so my income has not been affected; though working from home has been unpleasant, with many of my coworkers vying to seem if anything more productive, pushing a lot of my peers towards burnout.
I sort of feel like I’m in stasis. I haven’t been doing much. To some end, I get up, work most days, eat meals at normal times, shower, and go to sleep when I’m tired. But a lot of my motivation for doing anything else, writing, reading fiction, studying, practicing my interests—seems to have been totally drained away.
I almost never feel nervous about things. This perhaps sounds like a boast, until you think about the ramifications. I just assume everything will always work out, and so I almost never get worked up about things. This is good in some situations, where I am able to remain calm and clear headed, but other times I remain unperturbed long after the time to move into action, letting situations get so bad that they truly do warrant freaking out. But uncharacteristically, I was very anxious about all this. About coronavirus. About the lockdown.
It started to feel like such an inevitability to me, that I’d get sick, that my loved ones would. That America certainly wasn’t preparing, and as such, things would get really, really bad. It felt like there was a storm coming, and nothing I could do. Normally, the inevitability of it, the little control I had over it, would be a calming factor, once my Buddhist sensibility kicked in, but it just made me agitated here. (The idea of illness, especially on this scale, is one of my few long-running fears, which I’m sure played heavily into my anxiety.) I didn’t panic buy pallets of toilet paper, but I did procure about two weeks of frozen foods, just because that felt like something I could do.
And it came. I started working from home about two weeks ago, and have started to settle into the way things are right now. Everything is different, everything is the same.
I haven’t been doing much, but I have been doing a lot of thinking. And the self-isolation has re-framed a lot of the things I keep coming back to into a new form of clarity. I haven’t been productive, but this has re-affirmed my goals, and what I want to work towards. It’s galvanized a lot of my politics. I want to get out of this as a better person. I know where I want to go. I kept thinking I had all the time in the world, but time is short. If I don’t start fighting harder, I might not get to everything.
I’ve also started to self-censor some of my news or social media intake, which is new for me in practice, but something I’ve talked about before. Right now, seeing inside the ICU wards in NYC or hearing the horror stories out of Italy and Iran doesn’t feel productive, doesn’t feel healthy: so I’m avoiding it. I don’t feel the need to see the stats and charts, all the up to the minute predictions. I’m pretty sure all the statistics out of every country (except maybe South Korea) is misinformation anyways. There’s no central, universal, trusted source of information on this right now, so I feel like I’ve been taking to a time before search engines. I hear a rumor about what’s effective against it, about when lockdowns are coming and for how long, and just weigh those pieces of information against what I’ve heard through official channels.
In truth, the self-isolation is not much different from how I willingly partake my life, in times between jobs or during breaks. Of course, I tend to visit a lot more cafes and restaurants than the zero I am now, but I’m generally good on my own. Most of my friends are online-only. Without the choice though, the isolation feels a lot more isolated.
I sort of thought that having just two weeks to myself would be exactly what I needed to crush through my backlog of books, be ever more studious and diligent, and become a better person. But it hasn’t been the case, yet. I’ve found it extremely difficult to think about making art, and as hard even just to read. I haven’t written a line of fiction since well before this started, and the idea of doing so still seems daunting to me. I also haven’t picked up a book of fiction in two weeks. I’ve got shelves of books to read, but the idea just seems insurmountable right now.
I have been doing a lot of meditation, which has helped tremendously. I’ve been journaling, which has helped me keep track. If I interact with any art, I find myself watching an episode of an anime, before losing interest. I’ve listened to a few albums actively, which I rarely do anymore, just sit with an album on, close my eyes, and listen.
All this feels so stupid to write, to be honest. I’m not sick, none of my loved ones are sick. I haven’t lost my job, like many of my friends have. But I find myself with more than my fair share on ennui each day. Days start and just slip through my fingers like sand.
This sounds worse than I feel, which is not all that bad. But I feel like what I wrote is accurate, as well. It comes and goes.
It’s not all bad. I sort of feel like the tide is turning. I made some lists of things I want to do, want to write. I started studying Japanese in earnest again, which feels good. I sent a pitch to write a piece, even though I knew it would be rejected among shrinking or gone freelance writing budgets. The rejection letter was kind. I’ve been slowly getting back into the head-space of my novel manuscript; I have to take care to capture and convey these feelings, but not to make it too timely. It’s bleeding, but it’s beating.
I put up some new phone wallpapers on my Patreon page, here. Check them out; maybe having a new wallpaper will feel like a fresh start. I’ve also got two posts coming, on the anime I watched this past season, and what’s coming up.
I’m just taking it as it comes. Trying to remember what I can control, push to be creative but not hard on myself if I don’t. I’m less anxious than I was, less afraid; but it’s like an ember, growing or waning with the wind. Some days are hard than others. But the sun sets, and a new day rises. And sometimes that alone is worth everything.
Thanks for sticking with me. With love from Chicago.
Stay strong, fight on.
Your faithful commander,
— I