The (Not Exactly) Self Defined Semantics of Self
I really think Johari's Window needs one less pane because how the hell are you supposed to know what's not known to the self and others?
INTRINSIC
I don't think I'm a good person.
This is not meant to be a self-deprecating sentiment, more of an interpretation of what I think *good* is. Good is a relative thing. Good is not a constant. Good is not an inherent property of a person. Good is something that is determined as a collective. I never feel right saying “I'm a good person" because I don't think that's a valuation I get to make. Or at least, I never felt right saying it, but let's talk about a different vector.
DESCRIPTIVE
I do think I am a lawful person.
Now mind, you D&D character alignment is a gross oversimplification of a wide variety of things, but I like grids and classification systems, and even super streamlined models can be useful. Lawful opposed chaotic, chaotic opposed lawful probably means something different to every single player, but I like to think about in determines of predictability and rules.
I don't view lawful as a societal determination. I think what makes a person lawful is that they have a set of rules that they follow and the regularity in which they follow those rules. I understand that that is probably not typical given that laws are literally derived from a societal standpoint, but I'm also using a fantasy RPG framework and this is my newsletter, which is also a bastardization of the word newsletter since it's less news and more a temporal slice of my mindset that particular week, but I digress.
When I think lawful, I think Robin Hood. I think a strict code of conduct. I think conviction to do the same thing no matter the circumstances. I think Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. I think codified rules. I think predictable, not necessarily in the outcome, but in the determination of determination. I think Death accepting a bid to play a game. Fettered to principles.
When I think chaotic, I think the Joker. I think unpredictable. I think no limitations and no lines uncrossed. I think Dr. House. I think temperamental and volatile. I think a disregard to convention and structure. I think Rick from Rick & Morty. I think deviations and derivations. I think about countless parallel realities diverging rapidly. Unfettered, unbound.
I think lawful folks aim to reduce entropy. I think chaotic folks aim to increase it. I think that's why it's easier for me to describe myself as lawful, because that is a measure I feel like I can make. A quantifiable gut feeling.
ASCRIBED
I don't think I'm a creative person.
Again, this is not a self-deprecating sentiment I swear. This one is literally rooted in semantics. In my head, being creative means being good at the act of creation, and I say this is my full chest because I know several people who are actually good at creating things. I know people who are innovative and inventive and literally view the world in a way that hurts my head. And I have a distinct memory of freshman year in undergrad where my roommate Sree said to me, “I don't think you're the most creative of the group. I think you're the most passionate” which at the time I was taken back by, but now just sort of agree with.
And this idea of “creative" is actually the root of this particular timestamp of my life because I had my manager and coworker both call me creative and in my head I went “that's not the word I'd use.”
In my since purged twitter account (and probably somewhere in my decently active BlueSky account), I think a lot about the way I think. How I parse information. How I present information.
One of the most useful concepts I got from my Masters of Science in Education was learning about schema theory, because I do in fact think in a convoluted tree structure. I do in fact think in a network of networks. I pay attention. I remember weird things and particular things and they all exist in a web. I think in a non-linear way that eventually converges to a linear presentation, like how the shadows of a Sierpinski tetrahedron masquerade as a cube.
An iterative cycle, a process of refinement. The ultimately irony of chaos theory is that it's actually aggressive lawful because as unpredictable as the results seem, the guiding principles are exceedingly rule based and elegant.
I've come to learn that true engineers think very linearly and get very confused when presented with some whose process bounces around. Sometimes it gets called holistic. Sometimes, it gets called creative.
But ascription is useful insofar that some things we don't get to decide. I can chose to follow rules (lawful). But I don't determine if I am a good person (to everyone reading this, I am fully aware that I am considered a good person and that I do acts that reinforce this fact, but the brain is weird). I don't necessarily think I can call myself creative, but perhaps like goodness, creativity is a relative thing. Perhaps the measure of creation is different per person. Perhaps chemistry looks like alchemy to those who don't have the frame of reference. Perhaps eloquent description is tantamount to novel (as in new, not the format, although also maybe also the format) for similar reasons.
Perhaps it all comes back to relativity.
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS AGAIN?
So what are the words I use to describe myself and what words have I readily accepted from others?
The gimmes are I am a non-binary Filipino American writer. I call myself simple, straightforward (self defined as lawful). I call myself dedicated and determined. I call myself nostalgic (which has been vetted).
I've been called sentimental and romantic (which in reality are just derivations of nostalgic). I've been called logical (which feels correct most days, there is an method to my madness). I've been cited as being honorable, having many feelings, and welcoming.
And I guess yeah, I am good and creative too, but those are emergent from the above y'know?
I've said similar words before, and more than likely I'll say similar words again, but the reason we keep coming back is because there is more that needs to be uncovered.
I am in fact verbose as quiet as I can appear in public.