On the Continual Need of Being Perceived
On August 16, 2025 I went to a bar for a speed dating event. Over the course of about an hour, I had six dates and then went home to my cats because the lot of queer introverts (myself partially included) opted not to match live so I went home to my cats.
The night went on when my friend Sam posted on Discord asking “hey, did you know Black Nerd Problems was nominated for a Hugo Award?”
And immediately after typing “Yeah, I have Contributor to Hugo Award Nominee on my bio,” Sam interjected with “OMG IT JUST WON. LITERALLY AS I TYPING.”
Mind you, it is 10PM local time for me. It’s late, and I was previously exhausted from having been more social in one night than the entire year, but now I am awake and combing the internet for any sort of social media corroboration. Unfortunately, social media has become significantly less useful so it took fifteen minutes to find anything of use.
I promptly shared the news in Slack and various Discord servers, because what else are you supposed to do?
Recognition is the best part of the work. The work is honest. The work is hard. But being perceived is a whole thing every time.
I started doing monthly videos because a friend posed a challenge as a bit, and if I can do anything it is commit to a bit.
I have no intention of becoming a vlogger. Video is not my preferred format. But the act of being on camera has been therapeutic insofar I have to perceive myself. I have to look at myself and hear my voice.
A lot of life this year has been working on being perceived. The terrifying reality of being known and made known.
On more than one occasion, I have had friends say “I do not know anything about you.” On more than one occasion, I have written about this. And given that I am continuing to write about it, I have not resolved this thread, but I suppose this blog is an attempt to do so. To be perceived.
So in October, scheduling permitting, I may go to another speed dating event. I’ll keep working on being forthcoming with personal details rather than being reactive. But even if I don’t, I have that experience now and maybe it’ll become a skill that I won’t have to use.
And in the future, luck permitting, I’ll get my own Hugo Award in the arena of my choice. I’ll keep writing and I’ll figure out how to publicize outside my mailing liist.
I suppose the meditation is “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?”
And scientifically speaking, no. It makes sound waves. But sound is a byproduct of perception.
Writing is my way of making metaphorical sound waves. So thanks for reading and thus making it a metaphorical sound.
I got some fun projects down the pipeline for the rest of 2025. I’m excited to share them with y’all. I don’t need the validation. It is is nice though.