On Inflammation
Lately I’ve been experiencing some hip pain—inflammation that happens from time to time, a debilitating issue for a few days until it just goes away. Over time I’ve realized that when it gets bad, I have to stop the cycle of inflammation (a term I have coined as someone with zero medical experience) in order to move past it. Sometimes you have to treat the symptoms and not the cause.
I wrote a note down about the inflammation in an email draft because I thought there was some deep metaphor in it. Something about taking time to acknowledge what is screaming loudest at you before you address why it’s screaming. But I’ve also realized that not everything is a deep metaphor. Sometimes I am in pain. And sometimes addressing that pain is all I need to do (and sometimes also scheduling a doctor’s appointment is all I need to do).
I’m pretty sure there is a deep metaphor in THIS though—the simplicity in not figuring it all out alone, in listening. Talk about inflammation, amiright?
Often times when I am in physical pain, I am also processing not feeling great emotionally. The body? She keeps the score, you know? And I definitely have not felt great lately, in waves. Another cycle of inflammation I am still trying to learn how to curb.
I am in the airport right now, returning from a trip to my hometown of El Paso. El Paso—the origins of the score the body keeps; a lesson in grace and bowel distress.
In the dregs of the tides that an imminent visit to Texas can bring up, along with hip pain and winter temperatures and the navigation of so many new things in my life, I am also trying to make art! Whatever that means! And I have been doing it. In cycles. Occasionally inflamed.
Someone recently said that turning 35 was one of their greatest fears. And I guess I can report back to them in two months when I live their nightmare. I am not scared of aging, but when the inflammation hits, I am aware of how sensitive I can be to the voices outside that say: lonely, too old, not enough, too much, not hip enough, too much hip.
I have been thinking about what it means to make, in strides. I started painting, for fun. I am not great! And that is very cool. What is great? What is art? I do not know tbh. I know that it is important to me to do things that don’t make me sick. And I am trying.
I think one thing about the inflammation (okay, I am running with the metaphor!!!! Not sorry!!!!) is that it has to be acknowledged. My hip hurts. I am in pain. I feel lonely, isolated, left out, like the useful friend/collaborator/go-to person but never the useful fun-time, hello out of the blue person. I am in pain. And because I acknowledge that, I can use it, move through it, work with it, treat the symptoms when I can, seek the source when it is useful.
Acknowledging also means being aware of my role in the inflammation. The misuse. The things I have no control over because of the score that the body has kept. What is me. What is them. What is the shoes. What is the ground.
I have been overthinking again. I think it is hard not to when both myself and the world around me is inflamed. It is hard to want to move forward when I can’t treat the cause. But sometimes, I just have to make it through the day, through the project, up the stairs. When my body needs ease, I try to listen. Even when the world is aflame.
I think I’m onto something. I will let you know.
In the meantime, amongst the inflammation and the thoughts, there are things happening in spite of it and because of it.
This Friday, February 24, a group show and the soft launch of a publication I am a contributing writer on is opening at ABC No Rio in Exile at 292 Gallery/Bullet Space in Manhattan. It would be great to see you at the opening reception from 6-9pm. I wrote about online censorship, especially as it relates to queer people. I wrote it in December and so much more seems inflamed since I did. Some of my banned memes will be in the exhibition (the printers yelled at Roopa, the organizer, for printing out “porn” lolol).
WE REFUSE, WE WANT, WE COMMIT
An Exhibition by Members of the Strategic Transparency Network
Featuring work by Caitlin Foley & Misha Rabinovich, Christina Freeman, Jasmine A. Golphin, Lil Miss Hot Mess, Lydia Jessup, Sarah Dahnke, Shawn Escarciga & Tega Brain
Organized by Roopa Vasudevan with Christina Freeman & ABC No Rio
ABC No Rio in Exile at 292 Gallery/Bullet Space
292 E. 3rd Street (b/w Ave C & D)
New York, NY 10009
On view February 24–March 19, 2023
Opening Reception February 24, 6-9pm
Viewing Hours Fri-Sun, 2-6pm
We Refuse, We Want, We Commit focuses on the role of artists in building better technical systems for the Internet and beyond. The artists in the exhibition center technology and society in their work, in dialogue with themes of ethical technology, cautionary tales from the current Web, and artist approaches to building technology we want to see. We aim to open up the conversation about how artists and cultural workers can begin moving in solidarity to make meaningful change in technology—with the hope that just maybe, by reflecting on the current state of our digital lives, we can avoid repeating the same mistakes as we envision and create the future.
And Sunday, February 26th, I’ll be making my Parkside Lounge (317 E Houston, NY, NY) debut with a very silly performance where I am leaning into my comedy roots, my dance background, and my love of making fun of Nancy Pelosi. I hope you can make it.
Also, one cool thing about this newsletter is that I now how enough subscribers that I need to pay for it! Which is fine, but it would be more fine if I had more subscribers to make the monthly fee feel MEANINGFUL. If you like what you read, it would be great if you could share it xx