On Disappointment and Overthinking
Long time, no see. I have been thinking a lot lately. And in thinking a lot lately I have really dreaded the thought of writing all of those thoughts down. And after doing that for a bit, I have gaslit myself into believing that the least stressful thing to do is to write down what I have been thinking.
So: here I am byow byow byow
I went camping recently for the first time. I accidentally left my bird app on after waking up to a sound in the early morning. Later I’d notice it had recorded an osprey (big deal iykyk) and some hummingbirds (big deal for me!) after I fell back to sleep. I didn’t see or hear from them again.
On the trip, I saw an old house owned by one of the largest and first landlords the area had ever known. He had a small door built into the side of his limestone mansion so that farmers wouldn’t track in through the front door. To be fair, his carpets were nice. Fortunately, on the day of my visit my shoes were exceptionally dirty.
I took a private tour (we were the only ones who showed up) with my boyfriend, and I only asked one question. “Does the woman in the portrait haunt this place too?”
The tour guide coyly dodged the question. I’d have to take the ghost tour (separate ticket). But I Googled it.
She does not haunt that place too.
I have been thinking a lot about disappointment. Maybe disappointment is simply not wanting the things you need. Or maybe it’s an opportunity to find more fulfilling means of getting what you want—like Googling the answer to questions about haunted paintings some tour guide in Upstate New York is gatekeeping to get you to take his ghost tour. And in doing so, finding gems like this:
In my overthinking, I think I have started to find some patience in the “process.” The process of making things, connecting, tilling new soil, nailing down what it is I really want without over expectation. Slowing down is always crucial for my creative process (and my capacity to be tolerated by other people). When I find myself disappointed, I wonder: what is it I really wanted to happen? And why?
Sometimes I’ll notice that when I spill something, like a glass of water or soil from a plant, I often find something on the ground around it. Whether it’s an old fortune cookie message or a coin or that pen or the fact that I needed to clean the floor anyway. And I slow down, and I refill my glass and I think no more of it.
I recently went to Ithaca, NY, for my work with Artists’ Literacies Institute. We gathered at The Soil Factory—a relatively newly formed collective of scientists, artists, and community-members who are interested in interdisciplinary and “un-disciplinary” research. Essentially, what happens when artists are given laboratories, and scientists are given studios? I tried not to expect anything because I have been thinking so much about disappointment. I also knew that Ithaca was the location of the bird lab that creates the fabled bird app I love. I could not over-expect.
I was not disappointed. Though I did have a few tricks up my sleeve. My first rule was to not Google anyone until after the trip. This was crucial because many of the people I encountered are—as it turns out—world-renowned scientists and makers. In my time with them, they were kind and curious co-conspirators. We discussed circular ecologies for revitalizing soil (think pee and poo up cycled in custom “eco-loos”); I shat on the politics of the art world and was welcomed for it; I saw some cool moths, heard someone make an impressive screech owl impersonation, learned from a 2.5 year old about a cartoon tuna fish that is also half turnip (Tunip); and I went to the bird lab.
I was not disappointed. If anything, I am seeing more and more that a lot of the energy in me that feels like urgency and expectation is just a desire to connect. I am not disappointed, I am longing to build deeper systems of belonging on large and small scales. And sometimes I am disappointed too! But often there is something that needed to be cleaned up in that mess anyway.
I am going to do some brainstorming now—on networks and how we build them in ways that don’t replicate the networks that lead to disappointment (exclusionary, inaccessible, cutthroat). I will let you know if I find anything cool.
xx
Shawn
THINGS TO CHECK OUT AND SHARE:
Indie Space & Indie Theater Fund Emergency Mental Health Micro Grants: $500 towards mental health support for indie theater makers in NYC. Very simple application!
The Soil Factory: The space I mention in the letter above. I highly recommend all artists, scientists, designers, and others to check it out and see if there's a point of intersection or interest. Very happy to connect you.