On Care and Thoughts and Sharing A Lot
I am going to write about a few things, some of which mention suicide and mental health. An FYI if that’s not something you want to read right now.
I have been thinking a lot about care: how we give it to ourselves, who we learned or did not learn it from, who we get it from or don’t get it from, why we don’t give it to ourselves and why it can be so hard to ask for. Recently, my therapist gave me a book on CPTSD. It’s called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. It’s a title I scoffed at, but now it is something I read and think a lot about!
Lol I didn't take this photo but this is the book! Cool tabletop though!
Do not scoff at titles, maybe they hold things that will make you think. And then you can have your own newsletter where you share these thoughts.
I learned recently that someone I knew, a fellow artist, ended their lives. This is the third person I’ve known personally to do so. It is a hard thing to process, but it is a process I have been thinking a lot about.
As someone who has been down the roads of I Wish I Was Dead and I’m Going to Try to Make That Happen (Being Dead), I have great empathy for the depths of pain people experience. One thing I realize is that I may never know the exact depths of other people’s pain. That doesn’t mean I should not care, or cannot ever care in the right ways.
I don’t have an answer, but maybe being less afraid of my own depths brings about more compassion for the depths of others.
I think if we lived in a society where people were fed and housed and provided healthcare and access and they weren’t afraid to go to schools/malls/Walmarts/synagogues/mosques/churches/salons/clubs/concerts/walk down the street and we didn’t have fascists in power across the world and mental illness wasn’t stigmatized and more people were allowed joy and luxury and wealth disparity wasn’t a thing and microplastics weren’t in my snot, maybe less people would want to die.
In the book, Pete Walker (he is the author, which is what you could be if you wrote a newsletter too) talks about how many people don’t survive CPTSD because they don’t realize there’s something to survive. He talks a lot about emotional abuse and neglect and how hard they can be to overcome. Some of us don’t realize the degree of our neglect or abuse until much later in life, sometimes when someone else takes the time to care enough to examine it with you. This has made me think a lot about care some more.
I saw a clip of a news piece from Canada about a disabled man—soon to be evicted from a formerly rent stabilized home—who decided to apply for medical assistance in dying (MAID) since it was easier to qualify for than other benefits (like food and shelter). He said he did not want to die, but the thought of being homeless with his disability wasn’t an option. Apparently the turnaround time is about a month. I cannot stop thinking about this. And I cannot stop thinking about this lack of care.
Sometimes a GoFundMe and an infographic and a letter to your elected officials can’t solve the terror of how failed the system is for many of us. I am glad that these things exist—as forms of care, albeit somewhat bastardized—and I am glad that people invent new ways to care given the circumstances around them.
I think that is why I am still here. And I think that is a good thing, by and large. Care seems to be the central thread for how it is manageable to be alive. Care for myself and where I am and birds in trees and kind people around me and the very nature of a lot of blessings/privileges/things that I have that I am aware some other people don't. And the acknowledgement of my disadvantages and disabilities and the need for specific care and the capacity and grace to ask for it.
I did another Instagram poll around class. This time I asked people what they do, how much they make, and how they define poor. People were less into this one. When I asked people previously to define “rich,” nearly everyone shared a dollar amount. This time, people listed hypotheticals and situations to define “poor.” Maybe I am thinking too much, but it seems like there is more discomfort in calling someone else poor, even if its via stating a dollar amount on an IG poll. There is no shame in being poor, though. There should be great shame in being rich in a society where class disparity is what it is. No one dies from being too rich.
Many people I know who I would call “well-off” or “yeah, they’re kinda rich” don’t see themselves as having class privilege. Maybe they don’t have the money their family once had, or they have to have roommates or maybe they don’t have as much as their (VERY well-off friends). Maybe it’s hard to acknowledge the power you have because you have been taught that illuminating your reality might threaten it. Maybe care is examining your relationship to power.
I feel like until we all go after the billionaires, nothing will change. And we cannot all go after the billionaires until we understand that there are great degrees of class disparity even within the middle class. And in order to do that, some of ya’ll need to stfu and look at your generational wealth lolol.
I am also thinking about my own situation. I recently got a new full-time job that will give me more of a safety net. I am will be coasting just at a "living" wage, but nowhere near 6 figures. But this will be the most money I’ve ever made. And now I have to reassess and reframe and shift a little, maybe. I hope to be able to provide more care for future me, for current me, for future us, for current us.
I am scared I will lose access to my creative career—the thing that has kept me afloat, and in many ways the physical manifestation of my lifeline. I have a big show coming up that I am creating with my collaborator as part of the 2023 Exponential Festival. I care a lot about it. I’d love if you came. Here’s more on that.
I have dreaded sharing my thoughts lately, but I really do care that they are shared and read and supported. So I want to say thank you to those of you who have been reading and sharing feedback—it truly means a lot.
For now, I hope to keep you posted more regularly. This is a thread, and I am glad you are on the other side of it.
xx
Shawn