February 25, 2025

Advice for the Young Marrieds

reluctant advice upon request

Last week, someone 20 years younger than I am came to me for marriage advice. ME. None of her close friends are married, and she didn’t feel comfortable going to her mom with the nitty gritty ups and downs of her marriage. I, in my attempt to seem like the sage married lady she thinks I am, held in my snort of laughter about being seen as an expert, and asked for all the details. 

Me! A marriage expert! Talk about imposter syndrome. My one little, epic journey of a, like no one else’s, experience with marriage … now qualifies me to advise about it? Turns out, I guess it kind of sort of does?

Marriage advice is like parenting advice, though: no marriage is the same, just like no child is the same. What I had to offer her were some hard-learned tips and 20 years of hindsight to give her a little perspective, all with a hearty dose of, “but of course, you know your relationship the best, and you need to follow your gut.”

Just like with parenting, you filter all of the advice and use what works for you and your kid or spouse and ignore all the rest. This is why I never read parenting or marriage “how to” or advice books, and read all parenting and marriage memoirs with one eye squinted ~ there is always a sense of comparison and weighing whether or not I’m doing it right compared to … some random author? What the hell do they know about my life?

Here are the broad strokes of my gentle mentoring offered alongside “but what the hell do I know???” ….

I reminded her that her and her husband are both 25, while my husband and I got married when I was 24 and he was 33. That is such an incredibly different experience, and I have absolutely no idea how to be married to someone my own age. That they are lucky to be experiencing everything together, but it also means they are experiencing everything TOGETHER including the scary, new adulthood stuff that they don’t know how to talk about as they’re waist deep in it.

I commended her on her decision to not spill every dirty detail of her marriage to her mother, as I have learned that the closely-involved people who hear and hold your marriage troubles often have a harder time moving past them than you do. I have never even met this husband and have zero stake in their relationship, so I could listen with an open mind and she wouldn’t have to worry about me seeing him at family dinner next weekend and being livid with him for something she had already forgiven him for.

I highly recommended counseling for one, both, or together if they were open to it, especially regarding a specific sticky topic they were at an impasse about. 

I briefly shared my husband’s and my family histories with being children of divorce, and how that has shaped our approach to marriage. Threatening to leave when frustrated or using the word divorce lightly is a nuclear option. In our marriage, that’s an established no-go zone. Having those words off the table during tough times has kept things steadier than they could have been. 

I reminded her that the first year of parenthood is a time of massive turmoil for many (most) couples, despite the joys of parenthood that also exist. To keep that at the forefront of her mind when despairing over how different the relationship is now. Sometimes just knowing something is hard for EVERYONE makes it easier to navigate. 

I asked if they had gotten a babysitter recently, and that it sounded like a night out together would be a wonderful idea. My husband and I actually went out way more often when our kids were little than we do now, and it was so very helpful back then. Now we can be home at the same time without the intensity of young children, but we needed that release from parenting responsibilities so very much.

Ultimately, though, I told her that staying (contentedly) married is simply the mutual decision every single day that staying married is preferable to not staying married. That together is better than apart. The key word there is mutual.

Thus far in my marriage, we have just kept mutually deciding in all of the tiny moments that together is better than apart. That no matter how cranky we might be and frustrated and full of the stabbies on a tough day, that the after would be much worse than the now. Through the financial emergencies, the questionable decisions, the three babies and four dogs and a hedgehog and countless goldfish and crashed cars and dead cars and washed out road and broken water pump and extended family drama / trauma and grief and failing septic system and emergency roof replacement and opposite work schedules and extremely different hobbies and interests and ALL OF IT.

That we bicker with respect and we assume the best intentions and act out of love and care for the entire family while trying to nurture our own growing selves. So far, we’re both still in.

As for actual advice on my advisee’s situation, though … who am I to say if anyone else should stay married or if they’re doing it right? I am certainly not a model wife, and I don’t think there are a lot of people out there who would have stayed married to me for 20 years. Simply put, my husband has decided to stay married to me. I have decided to stay married to him. Through it all.

The best I could offer this newly(ish)wed who is experiencing marriage issues is that all you can do is both put your heart on the line and say, “I’m in if you are. Let’s fight for this.” Every. Damn. Day. As long as you’re both still in, you can make it.

If my advice sounds absolutely HORRIBLE to you, that’s okay! We just have different experiences and are different humans married (or no longer married) to different humans! Remember, she came to me ~ I didn’t advertise my marriage advice services.

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A few book recommendations on the topic, if you’re open for pondering some unique marriage situations ….

Read How to Stay Married by Harrison Scott Key if you want a memoir about staying and fighting for a marriage, no matter what. Controversial and riveting.

Read The Marriage Sabbatical  by Lian Dolan by if you want a story of taking a limited break from a marriage and the surprising result

Read Same As it Ever Was by Claire Lombardo if you want a story of a long, sometimes-complicated marriage that defies ultimatums and standards of perfection

Also, I shared some more conventional marriage stories in my Five Things to Tell You newsletter a few weeks ago ~ you can check that out here.

Want a book that is NOT about marriage? Read All Fours by Miranda July. It’s the most anti-marriage book about a married person that I have ever read!

Thanks for stopping by!