Behind Every Sign is a Story
“Behind every sign is a story,” my Dad used to say. It means that there was someone who needed to be told, who needed the instructions. But this one baffled...
Bathtime Apocalypse
In an infinite multiverse, there are an infinite number of ways for the world to end. Some are tragic – and some are silly. On one sad earth, it was sentient...
Flagalanche
At dawn on the Monday, only two flags flew in Swifthill: a Union Jack outside the Cornerstone Garage, and a St George's Cross, the latter draped from a third...
The Stew
Harry inherited the stew from his father, and the cafe came with it. Most of what they sold was greasy breakfasts, or lunches as stodgy as 80s school...
The Best Hot Chocolate - a cosy splatterpunk tale
Nothing tastes better than hot chocolate drunk with someone else's lips someone else's tongue someone else's throat. Angela looked around the room – thank...
The Secrets of the British Museum
On Alex's first visit, The British Museum was just a job. He was interviewed by Rochester, who asked his favourite exhibit. All Alex managed was: 'Mummies?'...
Rage
The hospitalHe thinks the enforcement of precise visiting hours are a way to prepare you for how strict death and illness are. There are no arguments once...
Dead Loss at the Newcastle Sausage Roll Eating Contest
Coming second at the Newcastle Sausage Roll Eating Contest is far worse than coming last. Bottom place went to a wiry Maths teacher named Elaine Fairfax, who...
Animal Costumes
In Portugal, it is illegal to dress any animal as a human. The law has remained on the statute book for centuries, although the fine remains the same, at one...
Alex and the Face
We were in 6th form when Alex found the face. He was happy to share it and we all took turns wearing it. At first, the new features made my skin ache, with...
Sharper Knives
It seemed a waste to Angela - that you could spend the same amount of money on a games console or a second-hand car as you could on some truly impressive...
Enjoy Haworth's Literary Heritage
Since 2009, tourists have paid to encounter Emily Brontë's ghost at Haworth. Today, there are four such ghosts working.The first might have been authentic,...
Vole
I played scrabble with my girlfriend. I had the letters I, L, O, E and Y, O, U. I placed a sentence across an exposed V. She protested the 14 points: “That’s...
If Vampires Were Real
If vampires were real, they would rely on dentists. A vampire with blunt canines is as good as dead, and eternity is a long time to keep your teeth. When...
Seeing Voices
People try to forget the pandemic but it’s important to remember the weird things that happened, like the craze for digital seances. A few teams at work...
Breakfasts for spies
O'Flannery's cafe is designed for spies, laid out to maximise the number of corners. Despite being a cheap cafe, it has a staffed cloakroom where items are...
How to Make a Map
Start with where you are now. Draw an arrow declaring: “I am here”.The temptation is to survey your surroundings, measuring and marking them out. Do not do...
Final Crisis
The first crisis happened in 1984 when I was 8 years old. DC Comics had been publishing superhero comics since 1938 and their stories had become tangled in a...
Professor Scarecrow
They called him Professor Scarecrow because Mike liked the old joke – that the scarecrow deserved a Nobel prize for being out standing in his field.Professor...
Excerpts from a Brighton Guidebook
The Seagull FeastDue to its illegality, invitations to the Seagull Feast are rare and few people discuss the event. Hosted in a Brighton and Hove celebrity's...