The Devil’s Sermon

Sunday morning, and the Devil is abroad in Sussex’s lanes. He smokes his pipe, strolling towards Pyecombe and the Shepherd’s Church. It’s a special occasion. He rarely visits churches, and it’s been a long time since he did so twice in a week. It’s not that anything in particular keeps him away – he simply finds the services so very boring. Hanging out with Jesus was far more entertaining than anything involving the Church of England. He suspects that their clergy would not have liked the real Jesus much.

This new vicar is Not Working Out. While the Devil has little time for church formalities, people that he cares about were upset about the refusal to bury a shepherd. The congregation had explained to the vicar that he was wrong, that an exception was made for shepherds missing church, but he was too proud to back down, and a good man was buried outside the churchyard. Of course, the body found its way inside the grounds, and the Devil did his share of the digging. That was not the point. It was the principle of the matter.

There’s a bible in the Devil’s pocket. It’s the same one he showed to the Vicar a few days ago. Written on the front: Select Parts of the Holy Bible for the use of the Negro Slaves in the British West-India Islands. It’s a vile thing. The missionaries who distributed it removed all mention of freedom and escape from the book, for fear of offending the slavers. They hacked out most of the Old Testament and half of the new one. In this book, Moses never tells the Pharaoh to “Let my people go”. This bible is carved down to a few hundred chapters. Its teachings are a lie, but the Devil has found a use for it.

This church is popular, not just with the villagers, but with shepherds when they can. The Devil recognises a few of them, knows that they have had long walks to get here. Some of them greet him, but they are shy and nervous, unsure how to respond to the Devil here. The Devil sits in the back pew, so as not to be a distraction. He stands when he must, mumbles and mouths words when he needs to. It is so very boring, but it will be worth it to hear the sermon.

It was relatively easy to ruin this priest. The Devil had shown him the slave’s bible. It took a little effort to persuade the priest that the bible he was used every day might have been edited. Well, it had been – the Devil had been at some of the councils debating what to leave out. The trick for the Devil was suggesting to the priest exactly what might have been omitted. The bible talks a lot about believers as a flock, and the Devil reminded the vicar what happens to livestock. When he departed, the vicar was left with a dreadful doubt.

The congregation is seated for the vicar’s words. The man is nervous, licking his lips and looking around before he starts speaking. This is going to be quite something. The Devil smirks at the opening words: “God wants to eat us.”

The Sermon does not get far before there is uproar. The shepherds laugh, but the other worshippers are confused and angry. The Devil sneaks away as the vicar is led from the pulpit.

There were other ways the deed could have been done. The Devil has favours he could have called in to have the church remove this man. But this is far more fun. In the churchyard, he pauses by the unmarked grave that holds a good man. The Devil has carved a stone himself, and it will be placed between vicars. The Devil imagines that the replacement will be far less trouble.

Background

I grew up reading 90s Vertigo comics, which were filled with heretical stories. Sandman features a Lucifer who tires of the simplistic idea of heaven and hell. John Constantine was a working class magician who battled both demons and angels. Garth Ennis’s edgelord classic Preacher was intended to be as offensive as possible while it told the story of a priest hunting down god for his crimes against creation. The Devil I’m writing about is undoubtedly inspired by these stories.

The bible in this story is a real thing and it amazes me that any religion could survive this level of dishonesty. If the church of england was actually a christian institution it would dissolve itself out of shame for its past.

Recommendations

A few weeks back I talked about my friend Dan’s publishing company Peakrill Press. This week they launched a new kickstarter for King Arthur vs Devil Kitty. This is Dan’s retelling of a 700-year-old story about King Arthur fighting a giant kitten. I’ve heard Dan read from the book and it’s a fantastic, bizarre story. The printed edition will feature illustrations and a piece from Durham University medieval scholar Dr. Laura Chuhan Campbell, explaining the historical background to the tale. If you hurry, there are a couple of reduced-price options for backers, available only for the first 48 hours. Check out the video on the kickstarter and see what you think.