A Tabitha Holmes Story

An opening to an imaginary novel

The Bank of England has two museums. One is open to the public and tells the British Economy’s story through coinage, banknotes, and artefacts. It opens to the public five days a week, with no charge for entry. The other museum is open only to a few. It is similar to the Black Museum that Scotland Yard opened in 1875 to train their officers. The Bank of England's Private Museum holds the economy's darkest secrets.

It is also the lair of Tabitha Holmes, whose office is off to the side. Her recent investigations have added several new items to the collection. But, on this particular Thursday afternoon, she sleeps in her office, hidden behind a wall of books and folders. It provides less cover than she expected, so when her boss brings in his visitor, they both see her slumped over her desk, tracksuit hood covering her head. She doesn't look like the Bank of England's ace investigator.

"This is Ms Holmes?" asks the visitor. He wears a pinstripe suit with a bowler hat that's well over half a century out of date

"It is," says Tabitha's boss. He wears red braces and his hair is slicked back. For the past few months he has dressed as if he is an eighties Yuppie. He raises his voice. "Tabitha?"

She sits up with a start. "We have a case for you," says Bowler Hat. "Quite a tricky one."

She's not quite awake, trying to find her coffee and her glasses on her desk; the latter are perched on top of her rumpled hair. Bowler Hat is perturbed, so he continues. "I read your piece on haunted money. Quite a good one. I only wish it could be shared more widely."

Tabitha has found her coffee. It's in a Starbucks mug, a vintage one where you can see clearly that the logo is a double-tailed mermaid - the goddess Melusine. She takes a large swallow, grimaces, but it wakes her up enough to guess where her glasses might be. Once they're in place she looks better. Awake. Alert. It's easier to imagine that she has a PhD in pseudoeconomics.

"Tricky case," she says. "Good. What?"

Her boss laughs. "A charismatic sex cult based around money burning," he says.

Tabitha has been looking forward to something like this. The past few months have held nothing but fraud cases, puzzles she can barely be bothered to solve. She's been bored, ever since the crisis of the alternative world bank notes.

"Excellent," says Tabitha. She sits up, doing her best to look alert, the effect undermined by knocking over her coffee cup. Bowler Hat and her boss watch as she gets the flood under control. Neither seem impressed.

Background

I’d love to read more books about the weirdness of money. Money is like water, so present in our lives that we don’t see how mysterious it is. Jon Harris has written about the possibility of a fundamental physics of money. That’s something that I often think back to: a moneytime as fundamental as spacetime.

This piece can be considered a sampler from a 12-volume series that I will never write - or even think about again. One of the benefits of growing older is learning focus.

Recommendations

I’m a big fan of Jon Harris’s work with the Church of Burn. Money burning sounds like a put on, something invented by a sick troll. But Jon’s investigations into this area are profound and important. Jon has done his homework.

Jon is currently planning a £10KBURN for August 23rd 2026. Details and FAQ here. You should also sign up to John’s Newsletter.