That Elusive Christmas Spirit
trying to find it amid loneliness and a covid scare
Shortly after Thanksgiving, I started the search for my Christmas spirit. I had already put the tree up pre-Thanksgiving, thinking it would give me a nice boost, which it did. Something about having those lights in my living room made me feel cozy and comfy and like I could capture the Christmas spirit if I really put my mind to it.
Todd never liked holidays or anniversaries or birthdays. He hated marking the passage of time and for the most part we celebrated these kind of days in a very low key manner. No birthday parties for him, no elaborate anniversary gifts. I tried to keep Christmas quiet for him as it was his least favorite holiday but my family - boisterous and given to excess - made that hard. For the past few years, he opted to spend the holiday at his parents’ in California. I went with him one year and was so homesick for my traditional family Christmas that I never did it again. Instead, we spent our Christmases apart. I always missed his presence among the cacophony and chaos; he was a good sport and took part in our festivities for me, even if he hated it.
And so we come to Christmas 2021, where Todd is gone for good and I don’t have to worry about keeping him happy, or downplaying how much I love this holiday. It would be easy to find the Christmas spirit, I figured, being that I wasn’t being forced to be low key about something I wanted to be in high spirits about. But as the days settled in and with the 25th fast approaching, I was finding it difficult to break out of my sadness over the divorce and really enjoy the holiday.
I listened to Christmas music. I bought and wrapped presents. I watched Christmas movies. I told myself this would be the best one in years, because there were no constraints, I could go hog wild. But the underlying sadness persisted and I struggled. I had a talk with myself. I thought about my sister and brother in law and nephews coming from Rhode Island. We couldn’t do that last year because of Covid and we missed her tremendously. We’d be all together again this Christmas and that made me so happy, happy enough that I started looking forward to the day. As my sisters and I cooked up plans like a gingerbread decorating contest, as we each talked about what we would make or bring to my parents’ house, as we played a daily holiday trivia contest in the groups chat, I started to get excited. It was happening. I was finding my Christmas spirit. I was ready to get into it.
Fast forward to this past Sunday night. I wasn’t feeling well, and knowing I’d been in contact with someone who came down with Covid, I took a home rapid test. It was positive. I was immediately filled with dread. Thoughts of quarantining and a Christmas alone brought me to tears. Hoping it was a false positive (i know they are rare), I headed to a City MD the next morning, where I waited outside in 25 degree weather for two and half hours while not feeling that great. They did a rapid test, which came back negative. I was elated. But then the doctor said because I had the home positive and some symptoms, he had to do the PCR test and I would have to isolate until the results come in from that, which will be the 23rd, the day my sister is set to arrive from Rhode Island.
And there went my Christmas spirit. I have things to do, last minute stocking stuffers to buy at Walgreens, a liquor store run to make, a grocery run for the things I’d be making for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I thought of being separated from my family on our most fun holiday. Breakfast, and opening the Kris Kringle presents, giving out my gifts, the first annual gingerbread house contest. It’s the first year my kids are spending the entire day with us instead of splitting with their father (they will see him Christmas Eve). I feel dejected and sad and mad all at once. If the PCR comes back positive, I’ll have to quarantine until the 29th (he dated it from when I first started to feel symptoms/have contact). I don’t want to miss Christmas. I don’t want to Zoom while we open presents. I want to be there, Christmas spirit intact, enjoying my first holiday in fourteen years as a single person with loved ones.
I am holding out hope the test comes back negative and I can get on with my life, on with the holiday bustle. I am allowing myself a small smidgen of hope here, something I usually don’t have. I am not going to let this ruin the Christmas spirit I worked so hard to find. I am going to listen to Christmas music and watch holiday movies and finish wrapping my presents. I will cook and bake as if I’m going to be there. I will not succumb to the post-divorce depression that is lingering. I will make the best of it no matter what happens.
Tis the season for joy and hope. Tis also the season for Covid again, apparently. Get vaccinated, get boosted, wash your hands, wear your mask, be careful out there. I want you all to be healthy and happy and able to enjoy the holidays.
Here’s to the Christmas spirit. May you find some of it in your heart, even if you don’t celebrate Christmas. Bring joy to others. Find joy in yourself.