three years on
learning/growing
Today is the third anniversary of the day he left me and I am better now than I was before. I will mark this day accordingly, in the sense that his leaving was my awakening. It wasn't exactly the day I started being someone else; it was the day I started to learn all about myself. And what have I learned in the first three years without him? A lot.
I learned that I am resilient. Oh, I did not want to be resilient at all in the beginning. I wanted to hide under the covers and think about dying in my sleep. I wanted to cry, I wanted to absolutely wail. I wanted to fall apart. But it turns out I am all those things people told me I was; strong, tough, resilient. I did not get under the covers, I did not fall apart. I let myself cry, I let myself feel every bit of hurt and heartache. But I did not let it destroy me.
I learned that I am capable, that I can do things on my own without someone standing over me to make sure I get it right. I can do things without guidance, without feeling meek and small because I was taught to believe I needed help with everything. I can do everything from getting mugs off the high shelf to filing my taxes on my own. I can handle emergencies, surprises, sudden disasters without screaming for help.
Three years of constantly telling myself "I can do this" and meaning it has pushed me beyond my previously set boundaries. They were boundaries that were there by design, put in place by being told over and over again that I could only handle so much. I learned to not be afraid to push forward, that I had it in me to to do more than I was doing.
I found my voice. I learned to speak up for myself, in matters small and large. I let people know what to expect and not expect of me. I fought for necessary medical care. I discovered I did have the temperment to take on challenges, and I met those challenges head on without anyone making me feel like I couldn't.
I learned who I can lean on, and I leaned on those who have always been there for me, knowing that I neglected that love, trust, and warmth while I thought there was only one place I can get it. I learned that family is everything. I would not have this strength I have now if not for them. They believed that I could stand up, hold my head high, and walk into the fire of grief with confidence I'd come out on the other side just fine.
I learned so much about me, the me that I neglected for 14 years of servitude to someone who never appreciated it. I learned that I like having my own routine instead of trying to step in time to someone else's clock. I learned I like sleeping alone and eating alone and just being alone. I like my own company. When I'm at home alone, I no longer feel like I'm just biding my time until he returns; I have learned how to fill my time with doing things that give me joy instead of wondering how I can make his life joyful.
In many ways, I have become a different person, a better version of who I was before my life went off in an unexpected direction. Allowed to be me, to be my true self, I have learned how to enjoy the freedom of existing in my personal world that is filled with the love and compassion that was always there, waiting for me to feel it.
This is the last anniversary post I will write.
<3