Love the One You're With
on learning how to love yourself
I’ve been thinking a lot about being alone for the rest of my life, and not in a terrible way. I don’t think it would be a bad thing to spend my remaining years single. I’ve constantly been in a relationship since I was 19, and maybe it’s time I spend some quality time with myself.
I’ve already had people telling me I should get on one of those dating sites and put myself out there again. The ink is not even dry on my divorce papers; I am not ready for that and don’t know if I ever will be ready. I have this pressing matter to deal with first: learning to love myself before I can ever love anyone else again.
I’ve spent most of my adult life taking care of other people. My partners all got 100% of my time and devotion and care. I am a people pleaser by nature and always felt my role in a relationship was to take care of my partner, to make sure their every need was met, to put them before me, to nurture and coddle them and keep them happy. Given my track record with marriages, I can say I wasn’t always successful at keeping them happy but lord knows I tried. I gave it my all, and in giving it my all I neglected myself in the process.
I rarely practiced self care, even during the times I was mentally falling apart. I never learned how to put myself first. I never took care of me, because I didn’t have the time. I never even got to know myself or, more importantly, love myself. I was too busy making sure other people felt loved.
Now here I am alone for the first time in 14 years. I don’t know what to do with myself. I spend a lot of time on my couch watching sports and bingeing tv shows. I go to bed at 8:30 because I’m bored. I don’t know how to live without that living involving taking care of someone’s needs. It dawned on me recently that I should be concentrating on taking care of my own needs. But what are they? What do I need? I need comfort, I need care, I need to feel loved and wanted. How do you do that for yourself?
Those are things I have to learn and I am not going to learn them if I’m out there dating again, inviting other people into my life only to fall into old habits of putting other people before myself. I need to take the time to be with me and me only, to figure out how to enjoy my own company and take care of myself. I do not know the first thing about this, though, and the learning curve here is pretty steep. I’m 59 years old, how do I learn now how to love and care for myself when I am self-trained to take care of everyone but me?
Spending time alone is a good way to get to know yourself, I suppose. I can figure out what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what pushes me forward, what makes me lose a step. I can do the things that give me pleasure, treat myself well, take good care of myself. All the things I put aside in order to make someone else happy.
Maybe someday I’d like to date again. It would be nice to have that company, to hold someone’s hand, to find someone who puts me first. But that will have to wait. I need a year or two alone to be my own company, to find myself, to be good to me. Seeing myself as a person worthy of love, even my own love, is something I need to deal with in therapy, to come to terms with the fact that I’ve never thought of myself as someone to be loved, just as someone to give love. I want to get that love in return, and if the person it comes from is myself, I think I can chalk that up as a win.
I honestly don’t know what there is to love about me, but I’m going to spend some extended time with myself to find out. Those dating apps can wait. Forever, if need be.