February 17, 2022

I'm Gonna Soak Up the Sun

on outsourcing happiness

I look for people walking dogs on my way to work. It makes my day to see a dog sniffing around, tail wagging. Today I saw two dogs; a goofy chocolate lab with an empty plastic water bottle in its mouth, and a small breed dog taking a poop. I was happy, my day was off to a good start and this would bode well for the rest of the morning.

The dog dopamine usually lasts about an hour for me, then I have to actively find other things to be happy about, or other things that will set a good mood for a few hours. Such it is with my brain lately. I constantly need to find outsides sources of happiness to keep myself going. I know that happiness is supposed to come from within, but I feel no shame in saying that I’m having a very hard time with that. When I do feel happy, when that feeling comes unaided, it’s both surprising and brief. I think to myself, I feel good, I need to bottle this up and remember what it feels like. I need to do something with this. I’ll start a project or clean the house or go for a walk or write something that’s no depressing, trying to get it all in before the feeling dissipates the way it always does.

I think of it like being in the woods, all dark and damp and a little scary, then finding a clearing where the sun is interlaced in the trees, leaving a bright pattern on the grass below. I want to lay on the grass and soak up the sun before it disappears behind some clouds, before the warm space turns cold again and I find myself back in the thick of the woods looking for a way out. Finding that sunspot gives me hope, makes me believe I can keep finding those spots if I look hard enough, that one day my life can be more sun than shadows.

But that takes emotional energy I do not have. It takes a sound sense of mind that eludes me. I have to look elsewhere, look outside of me, for guidance in finding those hidden paths to the sun. So I look for dogs. I keep an eye on the sunrise and sunset to see if they bring gorgeous colors that make me sigh. I watch an episode of a tv show that’s light and warm. I laugh at something on twitter. I eat a bowl of strawberries with cream. Anything to give me that instant rush of good feelings, of happiness, of thinking the world is better than my brain wants it to believe. And sometime it lasts a while, that good feeling, and I can function and be productive and smile. When it’s gone, when I go back to feeling depressed and sad and tired, I give in. I give in and wait for my body and my brain to tell me it’s time to be happy again. It’s not a great way to live, but as anyone with depression or a mood disorder can tell you, it’s the only way I know.

So as I drive to work I look for the dogs. I look for some sun to soak up. I look for that clearing. And I hope against hope that eventually I’ll find that happiness on my own. Until then, there’s a tiny little dog taking a poop.