February 28, 2024

coming up for air

a betrayal

I do not mean to write this. I do not mean to come off of a hiatus that was to last at least a month. But here I am, needing to write, needing to purge myself and be done with it. When all the anger is spent, when all the tears are cried, there is writing at the end of the road, and a freedom that comes with it.

I was three years post marriage breakup in January. Everything was going well. My mental health was on the uptick. I was feeling good about myself and my place in the world. And I was over him. I wrote an anniversary of the separation post where I said it would be the last one. Moving forward never felt so good.

It all unraveled about two weeks ago when I discovered an old phone of his and made the incredibly dumb mistake of going through it. I think I knew what was going to happen. I was about to give credence to every doubt I ever had that I was good enough for him. I didn't stay with the phone long. I found the things I wasn't meant to find; the emails, the dating apps, the texts. I stuck around long enough to see how far they went back but I left before I could get to anything sordid. I'd already seen enough to know.

There were times in our relationship, like when he would take three week business trips to China and Korea, that I wondered if he was cheating. But I put those thoughts away because that concern was on me. I was being distrustful. I was being unfair. I was taking my self esteem issues and making them about him. How dare I?

I don't know if he cheated on those trips but I am going to assume, with the casual way he carried on with other women, that he did. It doesn't really matter that much, though. What he did or whom he did it with is a level of digging I don't want to do.

My immediate feeling was one of being crushed, like I had exploded into tiny little slivers that someone would come up and sweep up for the trash. I had become nothing. Everything I knew about our fourteen year relationship was falling apart in front of me and I felt small and insignificant and oh, how it hurt to feel that way, to know that he betrayed me, betrayed our promises, our vows, my heart. I wanted to vomit.

For days after I fluctuated between anger and sadness and self pity. The anger won out, and I was thankful for that. Even though I am not comfortable with feeling angry, I knew that was the correct emotion, the only one that would keep me moving forward. I took brisk walks around the block, I listened to an entire six hour playlist of 90s metal, I screamed into my pillow.

At some point it stopped being a question of why, and one of how. That answer came easy. I flash backed to when he told me that if I wanted him sober, I would have to put up with him going to AA meetings two or three times a day/night. The absolute gall to guilt me into giving him the time to fool around. I wondered how often he actually went to AA and how often he was meeting up at motels with people from Craigslist. I let it consume me, drive me crazy.

As the anger dissipated - I tend to not hang on to anger for too long - I was left with the thought that this might actually be a good thing for me. I had been struggling with feelings of guilt, wondering if I did something to end the marriage. I spent a lot of time thinking about my shortcomings, about how I wasn't enough, or good enough for him, about my contributions to the downfall of our relationship. I am relieved of all that now. I know it was him, not me.

I feel violated and betrayed. I feel sick thinking about him coming home to me after sleeping with someone else. I want to throw up when I think about him texting with other women while he lay next me. The lies, the obfuscation, the treachery on his part floored me. I carried this man for years while he was drunk because I loved him and wanted to take care of him and see him get better, and this is what i get in return.

I eventually got control of myself and my emotions. I settled on hate as the primary emotion I would feel and I have no qualms about that. He deserves it. I only wish I could tell him I know everything, but I know that would only make things worse. I blocked his number because if he ever texted me for anything I wouldn't be able to keep myself from unleashing on him.

For about a week or so, I felt like I was drowning, that a strong current was pulling me under and I didn't know if I'd ever come up for air again. I had to save myself. I pushed against the current just as I was going under and got myself to the safety of others, of comforting words and fierce hugs.

Someone said to me to let him go, that he can't hurt me anymore than he already has, it's over. I want to take that to heart. I want to take these feelings of betrayal and disgust and dump them in a landfill. I do not need to carry this around. His life is no longer of concern to me. I will let go the strings I was carrying that left me still attached to him. I will let go of the notion that I was somehow to blame. He made it very easy for me to let go of him.

Back to hiatus.