The Weekly Whatever: Yellowhammer supplement
Quote of the week
“British politics today is what results from the collision of an unstoppable force, an immovable object and a clown car.” — Globe and Mail editorial
Wait, what?
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Uber says California’s new law on contract workers doesn’t apply to it, because driving cars is “outside the usual course of Uber’s business”.
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Man freed after 35 years in prison for stealing $50 from a bakery.
Dystopia technologica
- Man is arrested for protesting against the Dakota Access pipeline, after DNA from a cigarette butt is matched to him three years later.
For science!
- Zombie cicadas get infected by a fungus that doses them with hallucinogens and amphetamines until they die trying to mate with everything, spreading spores from the fungus-eaten remains of their genitals.
Threat Level Orange
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A Trump-promoted judge at a court hearing for a 2 year old migrant child yelled at the child and threatened him with an attack dog. “Usually when I threaten children with scary animals, it works. Not with this kid.” (The same judge previously denied all claims for asylum based on domestic violence by copying and pasting his decision text, and has a 95% denial rate compared to a national average of under 60%.)
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Trump administration offers to help California with its homeless problem by rounding them up and putting them in camps.
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ICE document reveals plans for urban warfare training facility.
Well, fancy that!
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Jerry Falwell Jr is keen for everyone to know “how he would nail his wife, how she couldn’t handle his penis size, and stuff of that sort”, and does not want to talk about the pool boy or the photos of him dancing at a Miami nightclub.
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A CIA asset pulled from Russia in 2017 verified that Putin personally ordered Moscow’s meddling in the 2016 election.
Sick, sad world
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Virginia marriage license wants to know if you’re Aryan, or maybe an octoroon.
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Woman flies American Airlines with her emotional support horse.
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Basset hound finds and refuses to drop massive dildo.
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“Most people ask why is it called dog’s balls until you show them a picture of the fruit”.
Not The Onion
Late stage capitalism
- Apple broke Chinese labor laws to make iPhones, staffing factories with 50% temps. In other news, China has labor laws.
This should end well
- Ivanka tells donors she got her moral compass from her dad.
Extreme awesome
- New Zealand man hires emotional support clown to accompany him to a redundancy meeting.
The Guillotine Marketing Board
- Sackler family refuse settlement over opioid crisis, because it would require paying compensation out of their personal fortunes.