The Weekly Whatever: Very nasty questions
Quote of the week
“What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now, who are scared?”
“I say that you are a terrible reporter, that’s what I say. I think it’s a very nasty question and I think it’s a very bad signal that you’re putting out to the American people. The American people are looking for answers and they’re looking for hope, and you’re doing sensationalism, and the same with NBC and Concast, I don’t call it Comcast I call it Concast. Let me just tell you something, that’s really bad reporting, and you ought to get back to reporting instead of sensationalism. Let’s see if it works, it might and it might not. I happen to feel good about it, but who knows, I’ve been right a lot.”
— Donald Trump answering a softball question in his own inimitable style
For science!
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NASA fixes Mars lander by having it hit itself with a shovel.
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Placebos work even if you don’t use them.
Well, fancy that!
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“…the timing of the introduction of Fox News appears roughly consistent with the acceleration of the growth in affective polarization during the 1990s.”
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Four Republican Senators implicated in insider trading following coronavirus briefing. Their names: Richard Burr (NC), Jim Inhofe (OK), Ron Johnson (WI), Kelly Loeffler (GA).
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Republican stimulus plan gives less money to poor people.
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Contestant in Miss Hitler contest convicted on terror charges.
We’re fucked
- Greenland and Antarctica are melting 6x faster than they were in the 1990s. That puts us on track for the IPCC’s worst case scenario.
Sick, sad world
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Please don’t call 911 just because you’re out of toilet paper.
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Here’s a list of the best leaves to use instead of toilet paper.
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TikTok told moderators not to promote posts by ugly or poor people.
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Woman discovers she has been washing her hands with cheese.
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Coronavirus monkey gang war in Thailand.
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Marvel introduces new non-binary superheroes called Snowflake and Safespace.
This should end well
- British Army adopts WhatsApp for official orders.
Late stage capitalism
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SoftBank-owned patent troll, using monkey selfie law firm, sues to block COVID-19 testing, using Theranos patents.
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Volunteers 3D print unavailable spare parts for ventilators for about a Euro, so COVID-19 patients can live. Manufacturer sues, as part is normally $11,000.
The Guillotine Marketing Board
- America’s richest man asks you to donate your money to his workers who have COVID-19.
Going viral
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ISIS issues travel advisory telling terrorists to avoid going to Europe because of coronavirus.
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Chuck Tingle releases “Not Pounded By Anything While I Practice Responsible Social Distancing”.
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Ventilator company could have increased production 5x, but the US hasn’t placed any orders.
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Jared Kushner asked Facebook group for ideas on stopping coronavirus.
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After telling states to go buy their own supplies, Trump’s federal government outbid them.
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America would have had the new fast coronavirus test, but the Trump administration’s immigration policies drove its inventor back to China.
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New Hampshire Republicans sue for the right to gather in large groups.
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US intelligence agencies warned of the pandemic in January and February.
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25,000 people gathered for mass prayer session to free Malaysia from coronavirus.