The Weekly Whatever: March 378th 202020202020
Religious news
American pastor says you’ll go to work in Heaven, but you’ll enjoy it because there won’t be any government regulations.
Forget about the CPAC golden Trump, a Chinese businessman is now selling Trump Buddhas.
Evangelical Christianity correlates with penis size anxiety.
Business section
They’re not making Learjets any more — but sadly, it’s because today’s billionaires prefer to boost their carbon footprint with something much larger.
AT&T promises to build more of the fiber network it was paid to build in 1996.
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… I watched Sea Beans glitter in the dark near the Charleston gate…
Blockbuster video turned down the chance to buy Netflix for chump change in 2000.
Inventor of cassette tape hits the celestial eject button.
MGM replaces lion with computer-generated lion.
Coming soon: Cocaine Bear, the movie.
Everyone hates Facebook, so why aren’t they deleting their accounts?
Science
Death of Mexican bats means it’ll likely be a mosquitotastic summer for Texas.
Rat Island now as rat-free as our kitchen.
Coral reef now decorated with disposable face masks.
Sophisticated AI vision system defeated with sticky note and Sharpie.
Politics and other sports
Leftists win in Nevada, so the entire staff of the Nevada Democratic Party resigns.
Antifa goat farmers of Houston living the dream.
Sports announcer who used the ‘N’ word on air says it was the diabetes made him do it.
Man accused of exposing himself in a Subway sandwich shop had a Kinder chocolate surprise egg full of drugs up his butt.