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March 20, 2022

The Weekly Whatever: Is it safe?

Perspective

  • Many countries have structures that can be seen from space: Egypt has The Pyramids, China has the Great Wall, and America has a burning Walmart.

Technology

  • Artificial intelligence finds 40,000 possible new chemical weapons in 6 hours.

  • Microsoft Defender flags Microsoft Office updates as ransomware.

  • Tesla employee posts a video of his own car self-driving into a bollard. Tesla fires him for breaking policy around "responsible social media activity". Wait 'til they find out about Elon.

Media

  • Gray's Anatomy writer placed on leave on suspicion that some of the plotlines she wrote may have been fictitious.

No Fucking Thanks

  • Man who paid half a million dollars for an NFT of Pepe the Frog is very upset that 46 identical NFTs were given away for free.

  • NFT collector accidentally sells his clipart-style picture of a rock for $0.0012 instead of the $1 million he somehow imagines it's worth.

Health

  • Please stop putting COVID-19 test solution up your nose.

  • Largest trial to date confirms once again that Ivermectin is useless against COVID-19.

  • A quarter of US personal care products tested contained dangerous levels of benzene.

  • Dentist deliberately broke patients' teeth so he could make money installing crowns.

Education

  • Assistant Principal reads book "I Need A New Butt" to second graders. School district fires him, outraged that 8 year old children might find out about the existence of butts.

  • North Carolina school apologizes for mock slave auction in which white students were invited to sell their black classmates, with staff and faculty present.

  • CIA black site used detainee as prop to train interrogators how to smash a person's head into the wall so they could be certified.

The first casualty of war

  • Russia posting fake fact-checks of nonexistent Ukrainian propaganda.

  • National Mustard Museum banishes Russian mustards.

Nature

  • Parrot rescued from tree turns out to be ceramic.

  • Camel escapes from petting zoo, kills two men.

  • Eastern Antarctica is 40°C warmer than normal. The Arctic is 28°C warmer than normal. Don't look up.

Nostalgia

  • Mike Tyson's company selling cannabis edibles shaped like ears. Your move, Lorena Bobbitt.

  • Re-live classic user interface design of the past with HOT DOG Linux.

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