December 18, 2021

The Weekly Whatever: Getting the job done in an expedited time

Politics

• Biden administration completely redacts a memo for reasons of national security — a memo about whether it can forgive student loans.

• Biden administration admits it didn’t have to auction off all those fossil fuel drilling rights.

• Louisiana judge caught on video saying “We have a n■■■■r. It’s a n■■■■r, like a roach.” She claims she had taken sedatives that turned her racist, and insists she has no memory of the incident.

• Wisconsin Assembly passes a bill that bans “Abolitionist teaching”, “Anti-racism”, “Cultural awareness”, “Diversity training” and “Multiculturalism”.

• Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is very anti-vaccine — unless you’re attending a party at his house.

Crapto

• “Yes, it’s a Ponzi scheme” says CoinDesk.

• Digital receipt claiming that someone owns a JPEG is sold for $3,000. Worse, it was supposedly worth $300,000. Even worse, the transaction cost $34,000 in fees, and used about as much electricity as a typical household does in a day. All for this garbage:

• Melania Trump launches new money-laundering venture, I mean charity scam, I mean inspiring artistic vision.

• Brace yourself for this one: Former candidate for US Senate, first person in Maine to catch COVID, is found dead in a hot tub after being sued for pulling a gun on a former aide during an argument over cryptocurrency.

• Recommended reading: The web3 Fraud

Technology

• Air Force AI is so advanced that it develops the Dunning-Kruger effect.

• Bug in popular Log4j library allowed people to hack Apple’s servers just by renaming their iPhones.

• Anti-5G necklaces found to be radioactive.

Late stage capitalism

• South Dakota mortgage company donates $5,000 to local schools, makes teachers grovel around on all fours, grabbing banknotes and stuffing them into their clothing.

• Amazon worker wasn’t allowed to leave warehouse during tornado, was killed in the building’s collapse.

• Amazon truck driver was told to keep driving through the tornadoes or she’d be fired.

Science

• The world’s on track to generate a record amount of energy from burning coal in 2021.

• Brain surgeons and rocket scientists aren’t actually any smarter than the rest of us.

Unsurprising news

• Google promised to stop running climate change denial ads. Guess what?.

• Kanye West’s “independent” Presidential campaign was run by Republicans.

• Fracking is good for the environment, say trust fund kids who own a fracking company.

• Congressional report concludes that the Trump administration undermined attempts to tackle COVID.

Should I not have done that?

• Man arrested for driving a limo through the security perimeter at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas and threatening to detonate a bomb; says he was planning to steal a jet and fly to Area 51 to meet the aliens.

• Austin car dealer Erik Charles Maund of Maund Automotive Group indicted for hiring contract killers from “Speartip Security Services” to murder his ex-girlfriend and her former boyfriend. After the murders he posted a review of Speartip on Google, saying “They get the job done in an expedited time. Couldn’t imagine using anyone else!!”

• Executive director of CAIR Ohio is fired after it’s discovered that he’s a spy for an anti-Muslim hate group.

• Mayor of Anchorage Alaska caught shutting off the fluoride in the city’s water supply.

• Man beats on his oxygen tank with a hammer, discovers what happens if you beat on an oxygen tank with a hammer.

• Man poses as his brother to avoid being arrested by police, learns that his brother is also wanted by police.

• NY MTA manager caught driving around with a blow-up doll, says it was to keep him company and totally not an attempt to get away with using HOV lanes.

Nature

• Bathroom renovation reveals 80,000 bees.

• Finally, a millipede that lives up to the name, with 1306 legs.

• If you’re cold, they’re cold: the feral hogs are back.

Season’s greetings

• Miller High Life makes gingerbread dive bar kit, complete with maple syrup for authentically sticky floors.

• Meanwhile in Sweden, it’s time for the annual torching of the giant Christmas goat.