The Weekly Whatever: Elongate!
This week's TWW is brought to you by Hawaii. Please stop visiting Hawaii.
Quote of the week
"...the decision of one man to launch a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq... I mean, of Ukraine. Iraq too. Anyway..." — George W Bush
Elongate
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Elon Musk says his purchase of Twitter is on hold because the platform has too many bots. Analysis suggests that 23% of Elon Musk's Twitter followers are bots, spam, or some other kind of fake account.
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May 18, around 09:00 ET: reporters ask Elon Musk to comment on an upcoming story. 12:22: Musk announces that he's going to be the victim of "political attacks". 13:44: Musk announces that he's becoming a Republican and to watch for dirty tricks against him. May 19, 17:17 ET: The story is published, revealing that a SpaceX flight attendant was paid $250,000 to sign a non-disclosure agreement after she alleged that Musk exposed himself to her and offered to buy her a horse if she'd "do more" while giving him an erotic massage.
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Bonus: Elon explains that Republicans are out of power, so they've been moving towards the center.
Crapto
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Miami launched its own cryptocurrency on August 3rd last year; it has since dropped by 95%. New York's city cryptocurrency has dropped even further.
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Ransomware gang threatens to overthrow government of Costa Rica.
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Canadian mathematician makes use of a bug in a "smart contract" to obtain $16m in another flash loan arbitrage trade. Owners of the contract decide they no longer want to uphold it, and report him to the police.
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Founder of collapsed "stable" cryptocurrencies wants to have a third try, but investors aren't so keen. One investment company that pumped $3m into the failed currency now finds its investment is worth $3,400 — but says it still made money on the deal. Another venture capital fund that lost $3.5b insists that it is still financially sound. Meanwhile, an app that promised returns of 15% APY and lost $44m of customer funds in the failed currency is now holding customers' money hostage until they promise not to sue.
Education
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Ohio high school students get pepper sprayed for science class.
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Michigan school assignment features photos of monkeys alongside a picture of Barack Obama, and asks which are primates.
Technology
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Want to change the battery in your iPhone? You'll need the 35kg iPhone battery replacement kit.
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Industrial farm vehicles are now so heavy that they are gradually destroying the soil.
Politics
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Louisiana senator says the state's maternal death rates aren't that bad as long as you don't count black women.
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Department of Homeland Security suspends its panel focused on disinformation after it becomes the target of disinformation.
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Statue of Margaret Thatcher installed quietly, egged within hours.
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The top elected official in Loving County, Texas, has been accused of cattle rustling.
Best lives
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51 year old man fulfills his childhood dream of breaking the world record for longest marathon on a child's swing.
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Fired by Starbucks, union organizer now wears his fursuit to rallies.
Fast food news
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Arby's manager video recorded peeing in the milkshake.
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McDonalds to leave Russia permanently.
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Inconvenience store sells bottled water and snacks, hangs off cliff face.
Creepy stuff not involving Elon Musk
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Mayor of New York says his mansion is haunted.
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Creepy dolls keep washing up on Texas beaches.
Health
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Colorado woman agreed to pay $1,337 co-pay for surgery. When the bill turned up, it was for $303,709. After 8 years of legal battles, Colorado's Supreme Court finally rules that even if the hospital made a mistake saying it was in-network for her insurance, it can't expect her to pay fees from a secret price list it didn't show her.
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Monkeypox outbreak hits 8 countries, but we have a vaccine and the spread can be stopped by masks so I'm sure it'll be fine. Just call them Freedom Bumps.