The Whatever logo

The Whatever

Subscribe
Archives
February 20, 2022

The Weekly Whatever: Blockchain and other problems

Arrangements

  • Australian police claim a man used a circular saw to cut off another man's leg in a public park, as part of an "arrangement".

  • Prince Andrew is reported to have reached a settlement with Virginia Giuffre, agreeing that he will no longer repeat the claim that he didn't rape her.

Technology

  • Half a million Tesla cars recalled to fix fart horn feature.

  • When Elon Musk's Neuralink was tested on monkeys, 7 out of 23 survived; one was documented as having missing fingers and toes "possibly from self-mutilation or some other unspecified trauma".

  • People can't tell neural-net-generated faces from real human faces — in fact, they find the computer-generated faces more trustworthy.

  • Patients' implanted bionic eyes power down after company withdraws support.

Weaponization

  • Idaho Potato Commission made Frites by Idaho, a limited edition fragrance to make you smell like French fries.

  • New Zealand battles "Freedom" convoy, weaponizes Barry Manilow.

Media

  • New Lord of the Rings series features dark-skinned elves, dwarves and hobbits; racists express anger at the lack of realism.

Climate

  • NASA, NOAA and other agencies conclude that the sea level will rise up to a foot by 2050.

  • The western US is experiencing the worst drought in 1,200 years.

Questionable judgement

  • Catholic Pastor resigns after discovering he has been performing invalid baptisms for 20 years.

  • Louisiana school teacher laced cupcakes with her ex-husband's semen and then fed them to school children.

Crapto

  • Bitcoin miners revive a dying coal power plant and increase CO₂ emissions by over 5000%.

  • Gemini "crypto IRA" retirement accounts drained.

  • Hackers steal NFTs theoretically worth $1.7m from OpenSea customers.

Science

  • Scientists demonstrate that fish are self-aware.

  • New study of ivermectin finds that it's totally useless for treating COVID, but does lead to exciting side effects.

Business

  • REI calls itself a co-op, but that doesn't mean it can't do a bit of union busting.

  • Potential contamination warnings issued after Family Dollar warehouse found to contain 1,100 dead rats.

Elections

  • Republican candidate for Texas Railroad Commission (which has nothing to do with trains) strips off and sits astride an oil pump jack for a campaign video.

  • Republican candidate for Texas House District 19 is indicted for using excessive force while working as a police officer. So are 18 other Austin police officers.

  • Texas police "union" demands that further indictments of officers wait until after the elections, so as not to influence voters towards defunding the police.

  • Dan Patrick sends mail-in ballot application forms to Texas Republicans, but instructs them to mail them to the wrong address, delaying issuing of ballots.

  • Republican candidate for Georgia Kandiss Taylor tours the state with her new campaign slogan: "Jesus Guns Babies"

Don't miss what's next. Subscribe to The Whatever:
Powered by Buttondown, the easiest way to start and grow your newsletter.