Setting the scene: We made it through the year. The inbetween nothingness after Christmas is over and before New Year’s Eve has always been some of my favorite time. It’s no longer hectic, and there’s very little pressure to do anything in particular. I hope you’re all enjoying this little reset period as much as I am.

Musings

Inevitably I’ve been thinking about New Year’s resolutions. I feel like the middle of winter is the worst time to try and upend your whole life, when light and energy are already scarce and every other creature knows to sleep and rest and replenish. But I do like to reflect on what’s working in my life, and what I want to take into the new year with me. I think for most people 2025 has been rough, and everyone seems a lot more cautious about setting any kind of expectations for 2026 than ever before.

I’ve had a lot of time to think in December, and I still don’t know where I’m trying to go. I don’t think I would know even if I had another 6 months, so I will just continue to move forward and try and learn and adjust. I feel like I’m getting pulled into so many different directions all the time. I’m sad about leaving my parents’ again soon and I want to be there for them, but I also want to be strong so I can keep it together and actually go. I liked living a more quiet life, but I feel myself gravitating towards the city where I can go out and be around friends and queerness and new experiences. I want to be exceptional but most days I can barely get out of bed. I want to do well at work but I am already dreading a corporate job so much again. I want to live a full, joyous life, but I feel so bowed down by the weight of the world all the time. I want to be open and warm, but it’s hard not to close yourself off when it’s one heartbreak after another. I’m trying my best to appreciate that at least I still want all of this, and I haven’t let myself burn out completely yet.

They say everything is a win when the goal is experience. I think it’s true, but only as long as there’s enough in my life that also feels grounding. Otherwise it starts to feel like I’m passed out on a rollercoaster that is slowly lifting off the tracks. I started taking my antidepressants again this month, and I want to be open about it because I want to encourage you all to also do whatever it takes to feel as okay as possible. I was pretty resistant to it at first because I feel like it alters my reality pretty significantly, but the alternative was just many hopeless, teary days in a row.

As far as resolutions go, I’m going to work on establishing a solid foundation again before I do anything else. As “simple” as getting enough sleep, preparing nourishing meals for myself, moving my body so I stay connected to it. I want to go to the office every day. I’m not even going to put a desk in my new apartment, because it’s too tempting to stay in my bubble that way. I’ve been working from home for over 5 years (and then not working at all for half a year after that), so just getting into a routine with this again will probably take some time. So even if all I do for the first few months is just go to work, and come home, and see my friends when I can, I would like to be content with that. There’s so much time for everything else still.

If it was up to me I would take all the lessons again. Guitar, piano, singing, dancing, yoga, strength training, chess. Book club, writing, volunteering. Watching all the movies, seeing all the shows, reading all the books. Sometimes it seems like it should be possible and then I get frustrated when I can’t do it all. I find so much community and connection online too, but being on my phone all the time just doesn’t feel good. So I’m going to go to work, and then I’ll find an exercise routine again, and then maybe I’ll start playing my guitar again because I love it very much. And then because I made this plan now it will probably not happen like this anyway, and that’s okay too. But I want to be focused and mindful of how I spend my time.

If we spoke at all in the last few days you already know I’ve been consumed by Heated Rivalry, and besides all the obvious reasons why you should watch the show it’s just been such a joy to see people live their purpose like that. And it’s been so inspiring in so many ways, and I know I will never come close to feeling any of it if I don’t get out there. Because as much fun as it’s been to share this experience with so many beautiful strangers on the internet, at the end of the day I think we’d all like to have these experiences ourselves, and they only happen outside, with real people, in the real world. So that is where I will try to spend most of my time next year.

If you’re into the Chinese zodiac at all you might know 2025 is the year of the snake, and I do relate a lot to the themes of shedding the ego, letting go of the past, letting go of anger, letting go of love lost. The snake is an auspicious sign for inner work, and I went through a lot of it this year. On Lunar New Year we’ll enter the year of the fire horse, which is known to bring energy, passion, freedom, and potentially chaotic but progressive change. It only comes every 60 years, and I’m very curious what it might have in store for us.

Recap

Not much to recap for December to be honest, though I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of little moments. I signed my work contract at the beginning of the month, and then felt really relieved to know I have an extra few weeks to truly rest before I start the new job in January. I drove to visit my aunt in the nearby mountains and went to many Christmas markets. I was sick for a week and upset about it at first, but because I was in bed and browsing apartments all day I actually managed to secure the absolute nicest place to live. I didn’t realize how stressed I was about finding an apartment, but all I heard from friends in advance was that it took them many months to find a place in Berlin. I was going to have corporate housing for a few weeks but had no idea how I would manage looking at listings and going to viewings next to working full time again. Plus most landlords require lengthy proof of income that I currently don’t have. I’m officially moving tomorrow and although I have the keys already I still can’t quite believe I found this place. The landlords are so kind, the apartment is mostly furnished already, it’s bright and quiet, and I can walk to work. And I can move before I even start the job which is unreal. I’m very excited to spend New Year’s Eve with good friends in Berlin, and to ring in the new year in my new old city. After Christmas I met some new friends in Leipzig and we went dancing until 6 in the morning, and the vibes were so great all night. I was feeling very exhausted for a long time, but I felt very alive that night, and I hope there will be many more moments like this to come soon.

Thank you for sticking with me through this crazy year. I’m glad we’ve been able to stay in touch this way, in addition to all the voice notes and letters and Christmas cards and phone calls that mean so much to me. I feel a bit of melancholy knowing the not-knowing days are behind me now, but I do think it’s time to move on and live my life again. And I’m very grateful I know I can always come back here too if I ever need. I had such a nice time actually living with my parents again, and I know it meant a lot to them too. Sending you all hugs and nothing but fortitude and good fortune for the new year ahead.

Tuning in

My friend Collin has been making really beautiful music in a little home studio. This is his latest single and I hope you give it a listen (and a like, and a follow on Spotify), because we need people creating art like this and it’s the easiest way to support them. Love you!

With love,

Melanie