Setting the scene: The scenery remains unchanged! I’m still writing from my parents’ house. I’ve finally settled into a rhythm here which feels nice for the most part, but also makes the thought of packing up again eventually feel decently daunting. I’m always a litte bit in vacation mode here because it’s so quiet and peaceful and I’m still working on finding a balance between existing outside of any real responsibilities while trying to build a life of my own again somewhere at the same time.

Musings

I’m so lost as to what to do for work. All I know is how to sit at the computer. I don’t want to sit at the computer anymore, but I’m also realizing how difficult it is to do anything else without formal training. As it turns out Germany is incredibly pedantic about paperwork and certifications—to the point where they don’t even recognize my Master’s degree because I didn’t write a formal thesis with a title and therefore couldn’t provide a corresponding letter—and it’s been frustrating to navigate an aging system that loves to claim a severe shortage of skilled workers while also refusing to assess your skills fairly.

I’m debating if it’s worth doing an apprenticeship at this point. There are vocational training programs here that combine part-time work at a company with part-time study at a vocational school and you earn a small salary while you do it, though not really enough to live in a city by yourself. They typically last 2-3 years so I’m trying to decide if I can see myself living at home for that long. Right now I’m not quite prepared to resign myself to this yet, but who knows how I will feel if the rest of the year goes by without anything else lined up either. I’m looking in Berlin now too and I’m not even that opposed to doing tech again as long as I can do other stuff on the side. Hiring-wise it just feels like a bad time all around; there’s a lot of layoffs and downsizing here too, the market is saturated, the holidays are coming up, everything is moving incredibly slowly, and I don’t even really know what I’d want to do in a perfect world. Maybe a job is really just meant to be a job, and we can still be anything else we want to be outside of it as long as we don’t try to monetize it. I don’t need to get hired by National Geographic to become a wildlife photographer, I can just go outside and take some photos of birds and I’ve done it. Same with cooking or music or writing or art.

I ended up turning down the train job I wrote about last time because the work seemed tedious at best and the environment was so crude I couldn’t see myself being happy there. Last week I really burned myself out by spending upwards of six hours a day staring at my resume, so this week I’ve been attempting to have some more balance again. I do want to keep sending applications, but I also need to remember to have breakfast and get dressed and get some sun and movement in during the day. We just turned back the clocks last weekend so it’s dark at 5pm now which felt entirely too soon but also inevitable. I did go sign up for classes at the nearest local gym and I went to the first one last Friday. It was a mobility class and honestly kind of a vibe to just do some gentle morning exercises with mostly retired folks. Tonight I’m taking my second Pilates class. I’ve missed working out regularly and it’s so good to have something to look forward to that gets me out of the house, especially during the week.

I have another interview scheduled for early next week too, and I’m actually really interested in this company. I’m trying my best not to get overly invested right away but I believe it can also be helpful to be a little bit delusional going into these conversations. But it’s difficult to feel super confident when I haven’t been working for a few months now and I’m living at home again where I don’t really feel like myself, or particularly professional. This job is basically the same work I was doing before but it’s music related which would be a dream. Outside of job hunting the days are mostly the same, a lot of trying new recipes, playing music, sending voice notes back and forth to keep in touch with friends, sleeping early, spending time with my family. Playing guitar always reminds me how much effort and strength and discipline it actually takes to create something gentle and good and meaningful. An apt metaphor for everything really.

Recap

We had a little fall family gathering last weekend that was really fun. Spent a whole day prepping various soups and desserts, and then had a nice time sitting around the fireplace and playing card games and trying different kinds of eggnog and my dad’s homemade plum liquor. I also met a friend for lunch and coffee this week and we hadn’t really been in touch since high school but (somewhat surprisingly?) still had a lot to talk about beyond the standard stuff. This weekend is a long weekend so my family will be home tomorrow too and my mom and I are planning to go to some haunted houses in the area. I’m fully expecting it to be awful which in this case will hopefully just enhance the experience. I was thinking about going to Berlin for the weekend but the logistics didn’t really come together and I’m not going to force it. But I do miss going out with friends a lot. Next year I’m going to plan something epic for Halloween again.

Tuning in

I have double recs for you this week! First up a recent collab between some of my favorites, and a song I’ve really been feeling recently:

Second, from an album that’s very precious to me and always makes me feel more connected to myself and the world:

With love,

Melanie