Setting the scene: I’m in the same spot. The world always feels really far away when I’m in my family home. Fall colors are blooming outside, it’s very pretty.

Musings

I came across a poem this week, about what to do when you are lost in the forest. It goes like this:

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

Another poet spoke about it and described how moments of doubt and feeling lost are not signs of failure but signs that you are on the right path, because the true path often disappears as you walk it. I really like that, because I definitely cannot see the path right now. There was another quote floating around in this context, about how you cannot sleepwalk your way through your path, you must be awake. I feel pretty awake right now but it’s also very tempting to go to sleep again.

It’s been exactly one month since I moved and I keep feeling like everything is not happening fast enough. I’m not sure why because a lot has happened already, and there is no rush. I think I desperately want to rebuild my old life over here because I’m hoping it will feel familiar, but I’m trying to remind myself that this journey of self-discovery and reinvention was also very much part of the plan.

I’m currently having a lot of days where it feels like I could do anything, so I end up doing nothing at all. I think this is why I always preferred to live in cities, because there is a lot of energy to get you going, and it’s easier to do more when you’re already doing something. Out here there are only so many walks I can go on before I get tired of it, and aside from a few chores around the house there really isn’t much else to do.

My phone has become my little window to the world and my friends in different places, but I’ve been spending way too much time just scrolling away. I’m going to attempt to create a better morning routine for myself. I want to read and stretch and have breakfast and play music, and I haven’t been doing any of it. At this point I’m really missing my old gym/lesson schedule, because it was very grounding to have to show up somewhere at the same time every week to work on stuff I was excited about. But I should really just do it anyway, simply because it’s good and not because I told someone else that I would.

I think I really need to work on living for myself just in general. Half of the time now I find myself doing something just so I can talk about it afterwards. Maybe that’s why a lot of us do anything? But it doesn’t feel right. Reminds me of another post I saw about spirituality, where the beginner version was someone lighting candles and taking yoga classes and buying crystals and the advanced version was someone having a cup of coffee on the porch and thinking about nothing at all. If a tree falls in the forest…

Recap

Many updates! I got to see one of my favorite singer-songwriters in Leipzig recently (linked below) and it was so lovely. I almost didn’t go because someone bailed last minute and I felt really anxious about navigating the city and the theater and everything else alone, but I still went and I made a new friend and it was excellent. Svavar also tells amazing tales of Iceland and the world and his travels and it’s so fun to be a part of those nights. I also had a chance to explore the city a little bit the next day and it was really nice! Found a great café by the canal and another one that was also a record store, and then I went to a little art market too. Made me feel more excited again to hopefully get to move there sometime soon.

Last week I was in Berlin because a good friend was out of town and had offered his apartment, which was super generous and very much appreciated. It was a really good time. I met some old friends from undergrad, had a lot of amazing food, took the train to my college town and walked around the old town and the parks there, rode in a gondola I never knew existed, visited the Gardens of the World, got a haircut, went thrifting. I also spent a lot of quality time with my friends Jack and Sarah; we made dinner together the first night and then went to play card games at the most cozy bar, and the next day their friends had a Spanish tortilla and wine pop-up and we ended up staying out pretty late. I feel a lot more at home in places where there are bars and friends and public transit, and it was really grounding to be back in a space like that for a few days.

I also had my first job interview yesterday! It went okay. I’ve mostly been applying to public sector jobs because I’m very burned out on building apps for private companies that do relatively little good, but it’s also very different from anything I’ve ever done before. But the interviewers were very kind and we had a good conversation and it’s the job I feel the least drawn to anyway so I’m just relieved that the first one is behind me now. Next week I’m going to interview with DB (the national railway company) and I’m honestly very excited about it. I’m constantly going back and forth between selling my soul again which would mean more money and better benefits, or trying to find something more fulfilling even if it makes the process a lot more tedious and time-consuming. For now I’m trying my best not to settle too quickly.

Tuning in

Going to stick with the forest theme 🌳 Here’s a little Icelandic song about sitting under a birch tree and pondering the world.

With love,

Melanie