Setting the scene: I’m in Germany! Currently writing this from my childhood bedroom that has since been turned into a guest room. It’s actually really lovely, it’s the only bedroom on the ground floor so it feels decently private when everyone else is upstairs, and it has a large window that overlooks the garden and a lot of pretty greenery. We also keep all of our orchids in here; the window faces West (towards most of you!) and gets the best natural light for them.

Musings

I’ve had so many fleeting thoughts since I last wrote one of these. I wanted to write another post before leaving the city because I knew it would feel light-years away once I get here but I ran out of time and I’m trying to be kind to myself about it. I think that was a big theme for me the last few months—knowing there was an end date to time with friends, and in my favorite places. It made it really difficult not to try and rush things that can’t be rushed, even though I was trying my best to be mindful about that. Now that I’m here, and as much as I’m still adjusting, it feels liberating to finally have some new beginnings after such a long series of goodbyes. I saw my grandma earlier this week and for the first time in ages I was able to leave her without worrying if or when I’ll see her again, and without having to cram months and months of life updates into a single afternoon.

Being around family every day is probably my favorite part about being here so far. I was so tired of how socializing works in NYC, especially when you live alone. You usually need to schedule get-togethers weeks in advance, and then if you’re lucky you get 2 hours with someone at a loud, crowded restaurant before going back to your empty apartment. Back home I also don’t have to worry about picking out a good outfit, or what accessories to wear so I come across the right way, or making sure I have something interesting to say so that people will want to make such an effort to hang out again another time soon. I can just be myself and I don’t need to constantly prove something.

But it’s strange too, because for a long time I used to very much define myself through the people I was surrounded by, and the city I lived in, and the things I was doing. What is left when that’s suddenly stripped away? What do I want when there’s no city chaos to get lost in, or other people’s dreams to get attached to for a bit? Especially in the absence of a routine and just floating in this in-between space for a few months now I’m observing what actually stays with me in different settings.

Right now the hardest part is trying to hold on while attempting to let go at the same time. It obviously doesn’t work when you put it simply like that, but it’s a lot easier said than done. I liked my old life a lot, and I don’t want to lose it. But I need room to build something new, and I can’t do that while clinging on to something I already left behind. I’m so grateful for everyone that called to check in this week. It means the world to know that I’m still a part of your lives despite putting so much physical distance between us, and it feels like a much needed gentle nudge forward—towards the unknown but with love and support and connection still by my side. Losing people close to me over this move has been really difficult, and I know that those relationships likely weren’t meant to last anyway, and at least now I have clarity. I’m trying not to dwell on it too much but it’s been hard, but it also makes me appreciate all my friends that are there no matter what so much more. Which is you by the way, if you’re reading this. Thank you.

On the flip side, I will admit that stepping back a bit and seeing what lasts is probably a good experience for me to have too. I’ve always gone out of my way to maintain relationships, sometimes beyond what I probably should have, and I think to truly feel secure in some of these connections I need to learn to trust that the right people will be there. I’ve been thinking a lot about detachment in this context. We often talk about being detached with all these negative connotations, but I feel like it can be healthy and healing too. Like seeing something for what it really is, with all its upsides and downsides, and just accepting it that way. Without trying to force a change, or distorting yourself to make it work. I’m working on practicing this more in my relationships too. Like hanging up the phone when it’s time to go, instead of trying to drag it out because I don’t know when the next time will be that I get to talk to someone, or if there even will be a next time. Or leaving a place when it’s time to leave, because I can feel that it’s no longer aligned with what I really need. I already feel like I have much stronger bonds with everyone and everything that is still here now (and myself too), and that’s pretty great.

It kind of goes back to the mirror theory discourse I keep seeing lately, where all the promise and potential you see in something or someone are really just your own values and beliefs and energy reflected back at you. Which means everything you need is already inside of you, and it’s worthwhile to turn your focus inwards every now and then instead of waiting for the external world to provide for you. I have a lot more thoughts on this, but alas I must leave you here.

Recap

Where to begin! I moved out of my Astoria apartment on the last day of August and then spent my last week in NYC with my friend Julie who I adore and appreciate so much. I have a really hard time asking for help sometimes, and Julie is one of the few people where I always feel safe to reach out. And then show up with all my suitcases, and scatter my belongings all over her house for a week, and come and go as I need to. It was so lovely to get to spend some time together this way, and also to be back in Brooklyn and close to the park and all my old favorite spots. I had farewell drinks at Someday Bar where I’ve celebrated birthdays before, and I got to hug all my friends again, and I wish I could’ve talked to everyone even more but the evening flew by so quickly. Between random moving errands and seeing more friends that whole week was over before I knew it, and then my friend Joseph drove me to the airport, and then I didn’t sleep on the plane and arrived in Berlin to a beautiful sunrise over misty fields.

My dad came to pick me up from the airport and I’m glad he could, because he was in the hospital the week before I left and I was really worried about him. I still am, but at least I’m here now to see what’s going on, and in real time. My mom put a “welcome home” sign for me on our balcony, and my parents rearranged my bedroom to fit an extra cabinet so I could store all my stuff. At some point before the move my mom also told me on the phone that no matter what, and even if we end up fighting as we do sometimes, they are so happy that I’m back with them. It was very reassuring to hear and it made uprooting my whole life feel a bit easier, and worth it. The other day I also had lunch with my grandma and coffee with my aunt, and yesterday my little brother and I drove to Leipzig to buy a new guitar. I already miss playing music so much and I’m hoping to move to Leipzig as soon as I find a job again which is a whole different story, but it was so fun to be in the city for a bit and walk around and see people and bars and stores again.

Today is Sunday and my mom made pancakes this morning, and then we went to a local vineyard that overlooks the lake. The lake nearby (called Geiseltalsee) actually used to be a coal mine before they flooded it a few years ago, and it’s become a really beautiful area with little harbors and campgrounds and beaches. On Monday the weather forecast for the rest of the week looked really bleak but it ended up being so nice out, and I loved sitting in the sun after our walk up the hill this afternoon. It’s kind of hard to believe it hasn’t even been a full week yet since I got here.

I also really, really, really miss the food in NYC. Right now my mom cooks a lot which is amazing and I’m very grateful, but I miss my favorite food spots so much every day. There is no food delivery here and barely any restaurants, so you really just have to go to the store and then prepare every meal at home. Every. Meal. Please send help. My parents are going on vacation next weekend so I’ll be home alone in this big house for a few days and I’m probably going to survive on bread rolls, döner, and Shin ramen which they miraculously sell at our grocery store. One small win for globalization at least!

Tuning in

Speaking of ramen, I randomly stumbled across this recording this week. The bass? The speed??? The energy? It’s so good.

With love,

Melanie