Setting the scene: I’m writing this from a very cozy bed in a very cozy apartment we rented for the weekend. I’m in Louisiana and it is entirely too hot and humid outside, but in here there are fans going and there is music playing and through the window I’m watching a giant palm tree gently swaying in the breeze outside. Probably the most perfect spot for a nap in the sun I have ever encountered.

Musings

I had planned to write about NYC this ep, but while I’m in a place that is home to witches and artists and creatives I want to talk about that instead.

This is all going to lead back to the idea of authenticity so let me actually just start there. I feel like for years now I’ve been craving all these “authentic” experiences, but I often can’t help but feel like an imposter among people that are so themselves, and doing what they love. I suppose authenticity is also somewhat subjective; I’m talking about locally run shops, mom and pops, art studios run by the actual artists, small bookstores, co-ops, bed and breakfasts, artisans selling quality products at fairs and farmers markets, even little kids setting up a lemonade stand. When I was in Austin a while ago there was a neighborhood event on the East side where everyone had set up little stands outside their homes, and my first instinct when I came up on a lemonade stand was to cross the street. Why? It was wonderful! I did go say hi and I gave the kids $5 and they were so excited and sprinted to report back to their mom who told them “I know, aren’t people so nice?” as I was walking away.

Right now I’m in New Orleans and staying at a really lovely Airbnb with the hosts living next door. I ran into them last night, they were just hanging out on their porch. I didn’t want to interrupt so I waved and walked by, but they were so happy to say hi. I also went out for food and coffee, and maybe it’s just the solo traveling experience but whyyy does it feel so strange to go somewhere by yourself sometimes. I feel a little bit off these days in general so that doesn’t help, and I still loved being in these spaces and the atmosphere, but then I also felt like going back and just resting for a bit. It was kind of like everyone knew I was a stranger and I was intruding on something that simply isn’t my place, even if I try to be as respectful as possible about it.

I titled this the artist’s way because of the book everyone knows by now, and again I feel like a fraud for referencing it when I’ve barely made it through the first 20 pages. I guess I am kind of fulfilling my morning pages duties by writing this out, so that makes me feel better. But I also desperately want in on creating communal spaces where I don’t feel like a visitor or a spectator but part of the fabric of the place.

Then again I think it is also very easy to romanticize working on projects like this. Whenever I talk to my friends that are bartenders or digital nomads or work in theater—all of which sound really fun to me right now after working this dreaded desk job for so long—they’re also not having a good time most of the time. Customers are rude, traveling the world gets old, theater has a lot of big egos clashing behind the scenes, it’s so hard to make a living as an artist, everything comes back to money eventually. It’s very easy to burn out when your passion becomes your job, but if you take a random job to pay the bills you end up too drained to create on the side. I don’t really know what the solution is given the world we live in.

Before I left for this trip I briefly ran into my neighbor and gave her some peppers from my garden, and an umbrella because she keeps forgetting to buy one. I told her I was planning on moving and we talked a little bit, and she said she was so sad to see me go and that she wished we could have hung out more. And same here, but then we are all so busy with work and life and whatever else is going on that even when we live literally next door to each other it’s so hard to spend time together for some reason.

I talked to my therapist about feeling so unsettled recently, and she said instead of looking at my inability to settle down as a failure, you could also look at it as always looking for a new challenge and how that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I set goals and I accomplish them, and once I’ve made something my own it just feels like it’s time for a new challenge again.

I saw someone say that they’re really scared of becoming nothing by trying to be everything, and I feel that so much. Especially in the context of creating (this blog, music, art, a new life) sometimes I just want to do nothing at all. I’m tired and I want to do boring stuff, like taking my time planning out meals for the week and then grocery shopping for it, and going to the gym more than once a week, and sitting with my family to have coffee and talk about their days. But I also don’t want to become boring, and I’m trying to unpack why I’m so scared of not doing something exceptional with my life. Sometimes people tell me they admire that I’m always on some sort of side quest but to me it often just feels like running around aimlessly trying different things until something sticks, and usually it doesn’t.

Honestly these days I barely feel like I know anything at all. My brain is like a cabinet with lots of drawers, and for a long time I would just neatly fill them with new information, and it was good. And I don’t know how or when but one day all the drawers were suddenly full, and I had to start throwing things out haphazardly to make more room, but then I accidentally threw away some important stuff, and not everything that belongs together is filed away together and so I can’t find anything anymore, and I wish I could burn the whole cabinet down and start over again. Meanwhile everyone around me seems to know what they are talking about, and want they want and where they are going, and my own head is just off in the clouds somewhere and I have no clue how to get back on track.

Maybe I’ll stumble upon some answers (or better questions) while I’m in the city of witches, voodoo, sorcery, and spells. You know how when you do a tarot reading you usually have to begin with a question? What would your question be? All of mine are vague and vogue and I don’t like it. I feel like this is very similar to how goal setting works too. Sometimes it takes me 3 years to decide what my next goal should be, and then it takes 3 months to actually do it. Maybe there is a better process for this. Or maybe my next goal can be to stop chasing the next goal all the time and just be still for a while.

Recap

I’ve had a week of errands. Last gym sessions with my trainer who I love dearly, canceling subscriptions and insurances, trying to sell and donate most of my earthly belongings because I can really only bring 2 suitcases home with me. I flew to New Orleans yesterday and will be here for the weekend which I’m very excited about despite feeling a little under the weather or the world or something. New Orleans is one of those places that I always wanted to visit but that had been very elusive so far, so I’m really glad the timing of this trip worked out the way it did. Also in case you missed it, I’m really just along for the ride on this tour that Aris organized for their new trans magazine. Go check it out and throw them a follow (or a donation) if you’d like! It’s a really neat project and I feel really grateful I get to be here for it.

Tuning in

Here’s one of my favorite CHS recordings for you. No special occasion, I just think it’s neat and it’s one of those sounds I always come back to when I want to feel grounded.

More soon! With love,

Melanie