Setting the scene: It’s a Saturday night and I just had a very tearful car ride home after a week of events and being around old + new friends. Seeing the city go by knowing I’m about to leave again reminded me how transient and temporary everything is, and I managed to make myself pretty sad in the process.

Musings

I’ve been thinking a lot about how existence is fundamentally such a lonely experience. Your family knows you mostly in the past, your friends know you in the now that keeps changing, your lovers can never truly catch up on decades of history, most people in the world don’t speak the same language, there are a million missed connections every day.

I have so many big feelings about NYC and all the people I’ve met here and along the way. It breaks my heart that all my loved ones can never be in one place together, and that nobody can ever fully see all these different worlds I got to share and shape over the years.

Deciding to leave the city inevitably meant leaving some friendships behind too, and while it is profoundly sad to realize when you may have outgrown certain relationships it also reveals who is going to be there when it matters, and for the long haul. Even tonight when my heart feels pretty heavy I still have this infinite gratitude for being able to experience joy and grief and connection in a way that is able to move me to tears. I really hope I can hang on to some of the love and energy and radical kindness that is so core to New York City because I cannot imagine living a life without it anymore.

But I’m also realizing that the city will always be here, and maybe it’s okay to let go for a little bit and trust that it will be there whenever we need a place to return to that feels safe and accepting and full of possibility always. It’s not the same for relationships, especially relationships with family, and I’m thinking a lot about how my mom is also a daughter, and how I want to be there for her when her mom passes. I’ve been feeling increasingly guilty for leaving home for a decade and essentially removing myself from the life my parents know and live, and with each visit it is becoming clearer to me that only spending a week or two a year can never make up for all the lost time and little moments in between. And as much as I love the life I’ve built abroad there is so little consistency when you’re always on the move, and (other than myself) my family is maybe the only true constant that I know I can always rely on without feeling like I’m asking for too much. I also think sometimes when we simply remove ourselves from challenging dynamics it can feel like healing, but the absence of conflict is not the same as real resolution and genuinely working through it. I’m very curious to see what will come up when I’m actually around again after so much distance, and if maybe some of the answers I’m looking for will come from home after all.

A lot of people I’m around these days are still navigating their 20s, and I’m starting to find a lot of comfort in spaces where people well in their 40s and 50s and beyond are hanging out and reinventing themselves. Most people assume I know what life is like in Europe, and I do to an extent, but I also left immediately after college and never lived or worked there as an adult. I really want to know what people think and talk about when the hustle of making it in these cities is not taking up most of their mental energy. It is very easy here to escape into drugs and parties and distraction but I’m getting so tired of running and I feel there has to be something else out there that can feel safe and soothing and fulfilling without losing yourself in the midst of it all the time. There is so much noise here (both literal and figurative) and I’m very curious what I’ll feel drawn to when I’m bored again and when I have a little bit of space to breathe and think without this constant pressure to be or do anything.

I tried to slow down a bit on vacation recently and it felt so foreign to my nervous system I genuinely had trouble not bursting into tears or staying up all night to escape into sleeplessness again. How do you find balance in this life? Has anyone done it? There is so much of the world I want to experience still, but I’m also craving a routine that lets me take care of my soul and my body and my family while still allowing for new experiences too. Right now it is so daunting to imagine living back home where few people can relate to what I’ve been up to the past 10 years, and where I need to speak a language that doesn’t allow me to express myself in all the ways that I’ve become used to. It’s very fascinating to me how the language(s) we speak shape how we see the world, and I wish I could speak them all so I could better relate to everyone and everything.

In conclusion, I’ve never felt so lost and so grateful in my life. I have no idea what’s next but I very strongly feel like it’s time to shake things up again. I don’t know why I have such a hard time settling down but I’m constantly searching for something more out there. It makes for a lonely but rich existence, and I think the freedom is worth the heartbreak. But my heart is still breaking at the moment and I’m probably going to shed many more tears in the back of a cab before life feels settled again. I’ve been through these life transitions before and I’ve never once regretted moving on when it was time to move on, so I hope it will continue to take me to new places and new people that end up feeling like home, even if for a time.

Recap

My last day at work was July 11, and then I immediately went to Germany to visit family up north. It was chaotic and overwhelming when I first got there but I’m glad I went and made some memories with some family I rarely get to see (and a few new humans that are already growing up so quickly).

I got back to the city and had a day to myself, and then my friends were here for a long weekend. We all met online in 2020 and I’m really grateful we’ve stayed in touch and that we’re able to hang out pretty consistently a few times a year.

This past week I also went to an academic salon that another wonderful friend organized, where we got together at a very cute wine bar to loosely talk about what we owe the people we love. I very intentionally decided to listen more than speak because I’m a little tired of hearing my own thoughts these days, and it was such a lovely experience. I met someone there that had only been in the city for 4 days, and it felt really surreal to meet someone at the very beginning of their journey here while mine is coming to an end for now.

I also went to a show under the K bridge (great venue would recommend) and a magazine launch party at the BOYFRIEND co-op (excellent vibes, go there). I’ll probably make another one of these sometime where I just share all my favorite spots with you before I go too.

Tuning in

I want to share music with you in these. Might be a single song or a recording or anything really. This week I’m feeling this a lot; maybe it resonates with you too.

That’s all for now. Thank you for reading.

With love,

Melanie