watch me rise
hello, old friend. welcome to the midyear point of 2023, because what is time anymore?
It honestly feels like I've been living in some sort of strange haze between the time I wrote my last newsletter (in 2021!) and now, nearly a year-and-a-half later.
A lot has changed between then and now, with one of the biggest changes being the fact that I am finally coming out of a gnarly bout of depression mixed with a touch of imposter syndrome that led to me becoming a shell of my old self for a bit.
(there's another big change on the way, but i'll get to that in just a moment!)
It's not easy admitting when you're wrong, and I am the type of person who absolutely will not admit when they're wrong, until long after the fact. I blame that on the stubborn streak I inherited from my dad.
So this is me, publicly saying that I was wrong, and for well...a long period of time, I've been going about things the wrong way.
Over the past year (and then some) I didn't feel like myself. I lost faith in who I was at my very core and I didn't want to dig myself out of the deep hole I'd dug myself into. I'd been here before, and I never thought I'd see myself back in that point.
"goddamn", he said, "i promised myself
i'd never feel this fucking way
again.
I honestly didn't think I'd feel this low again, at least not since starting on an antidepressant and actually trying to work through things a few years ago.
then again, nobody expects the spanish inquisition! (bear with me, okay? i am allowed to get a bad joke about my mental state out of the way very early, okay?)
But, that gets hard when you find yourself becoming a cog in the machine, running on autopilot just to get by while keeping the last shred of your sanity intact to not let yourself slip through the cracks.
One of the few things that's brought me solace and peace is something that's been rooted through my very core: loud music with lots of shouting and/or heavy guitar riffs. The louder, the better, even if it's just angry shouting. For some reason I have always thought that to be cathartic.
Why?
I came of age during what some folks would call "the golden age of metalcore," while dabbling a little in the hardcore music scene. To this day, "Existence" by August Burns Red remains one of my favorite songs, as it's one that has always kept me calm and grounded, no matter what.
If you saw me walking on the sidewalk with headphones on, you wouldn't be able to peg me as someone who loves the "screamy screamy" thrill that metalcore and hardcore music gives my soul. I've been told I'm too "nice," and too "sweet" to be someone who listens to that kind of music, and there are times when I feel like an outsider at those types of shows, despite having familiarity with the music.
Because I came of age during that "golden age," it means it's something that will never leave my system, because it's something I turned to to cope with feelings I just couldn't express, or even give (proper) thought to. It might remain dormant for a while, but it's still there, waiting to bring me back into the real world.
For the past year (and then some), I've put up a very intricate façade; I've found myself drifting back to the days when I listened to a lot of August Burns Red, Chiodos, Have Heart and other artists just to feel calm again; to have some control over my brain so the bad thoughts don't come creeping back in.
As my playlists started to become heavier and heavier, I started to see myself again. I started to believe in myself again, because there was a time when I had lost all faith in myself and had resigned myself to being that cog in the machine, while on the inside, I was crumbling. It gave me that release I needed to tear down that outwardly facing façade that was intricately built up as a way to protect myself from my own feelings.
The first song that comes to mind when I think about this rough patch is "Watch Me Rise" from Have Heart, off the album The Things We Carry. Select lyrics from that specific song are woven throughout today's newsletter, because they've really resonated with me lately.
so it's up to me,
i have to see me,
i have to see me
like the rising one
At the same time, I think about how calm I've felt at select concerts over the past few months.
In November, I saw Screaming Females, Touché Amoré and The Menzingers. In February, I saw Carly Cosgrove, Hot Mulligan and The Wonder Years. It was at that show where I got to hear one of my (new) favorite TWY songs live: "You're The Reason I Don't Want the World To End," off The Hum Goes On Forever. In typical me fashion, I cried hearing it live.
In May, I had the absolute time of my life seeing Turnstile for the first time, even as they opened up for blink-182 on their reunion tour. I let myself be in the moment and let loose. Even if I looked silly thrashing around by myself in front of a bunch of strangers, it was fun.
On July 3, I went and saw Killing Pace, Naysayer, Division Of Mind, Gridiron and Never Ending Game. Despite it feeling like a steamy bowl of soup in the venue (and outside, thanks global warming!), it was the calmest I've felt in a long time and it was the reminder I needed to get through my thick skull that things are looking up.
WATCH ME RISE
with the things we carry
Change is afoot, and while I am absolutely elated to be changing jobs soon, joining an organization I've respected for a very long time, the nerves are starting to settle in ahead of me starting that position and I'm finding myself trying to shake off the imposter syndrome I've been feeling lately.
For the first time in my life, I handed in a resignation letter. As soon as I did that, I felt a heavy burden lift from my shoulders.
Side note: there's definitely a difference in being able to terminate your employment on your own terms, as opposed to a sudden layoff, like the one I experienced in 2020, where you can't really prepare yourself for what's next.
I've been harboring a lot of negativity lately, and carrying a burden that was much too heavy for me to really carry by myself, but here I am. Rising. Feeling the negativity fall away as I grow stronger and ready to take on the world.
When I talk about my new position (as a news editor!) that I'll be starting on July 19, I can't help but grin. I find myself overjoyed to share the news with everyone, shining bright like a kaleidoscopic ray of light that shines through windows when it hits the perfect angle.
When I talk about what I'll be doing, I feel like my old self again; not as the sad, mopey sack of potatoes (as I've lovingly referred to myself as in this period). Instead, I feel as if I'm becoming someone optimistic and full of joie de vivre; something that was missing from my life for quite some time*.
so I say to the slaves of depression: carry on and sing the sweet redeeming song about living this life free and long.
watch me rise for miles and miles
*that's not to say that i've been trying to go at this alone and completely by myself. if i didn't have an amazing community of people who've helped try to lift my spirits and who've helped me try to shake that funk, this would've been a completely different post. if you're reading this, just know that i am incredibly thankful to have you in my life, especially if you've seen me at a really low point like what i'm coming out of. also in typical me fashion, i am sorry you had to witness all that.
ps: if you've made it this far into this edition of radio anxiety, try and see if you can spot a hidden paramore easter egg in here!