no one laughs at god in a war
the scene begins with the soft sounds of the straylight run self-titled record and a gentle rainfall softly striking the trees and roof. gentle chirps and croaks from the crickets seeking dry land and bullfrogs hanging out in mud puddles somewhere on this cool october night make up the rest of the soundtrack for tonight, surrounding the deck with a little bit of peaceful ambiance.
it's a welcome change of pace from having the news on, trying to get a better grasp on the situation unfolding overseas, in all honesty.
the past week has left me feeling dazed and helpless, yet finally able to identify a feeling that i haven't felt since the days of the iraq war; it's a weird feeling to have as a 30-something who feels like she's been teleported back to the early 2000s, when she was just a tiny tween with less of an understanding of the world around her.
some light humor before going into the deep stuff: walking into the wild fable section of target and american eagle's entire store also makes me feel like i've taken a time machine to the past, where the fashions of the early-mid aughts pop out as the "latest fall trends!"
(there is no reason that "dressy vests" need to come back, or even the uncomfortable -- and smelly -- ballet flat trend, but i am living for the corduroy resurgence.)
it's a time period that led me to formulate a lot of the views i hold today, because it's the same time period where the world watched as the war on terror unfolded as a result of the events of sept. 11, 2001.
do you know what it feels like to watch a terror attack live on television while still in elementary school, in full color? it's a strange sort of thing to think back on.
do you know what it feels like growing up in rural pennsylvania as an officer's kid/military kid who was expected to blindly pledge allegiance to a country that people thought was the greatest in all the land?
it's weird. really weird. especially when your views at a young age start to take a different path than everyone expects them to.
there's just something strange about being a child who is vehemently anti-war, because of the (sanitized) tales seen through the eyes of her father, as well as the pictures taken before crystal clear digital photography was even a thing.
there's also something strange about being a child who grows up watching not just the local news, but the national and world news on a regular basis because she somehow saw herself wanting to be an international correspondent, to show folks what's actually happening in the world.
(i was a very radical teenager, who was also very moody, but also a teenager whose dad actually understood why i held the views i had, which is actually pretty great, looking back in hindsight, especially knowing there are things he kept from my brother and i or sanitized to avoid giving us major trauma.)
as i understood the concept of "war" as a tween entering her teen years, it was a concept that as i saw it, was not necessary, because it was something that put more hurt and anguish into the world. it ripped apart generations of families and displaced people caught in the crossfire.
at the time, people lauded the effort to fight terrorism, even if there were civilian casualties that resulted from a campaign.
at the time, it was people who were seen as "other" who became the enemy; a common theme that's been present in conflicts dating back centuries.
it became pretty obvious pretty quickly that if you weren't someone who was a white christian blindly pledging allegiance to a country that could barely even take care of its own, the world was out to get you.
when i look back and try to find those earliest memories of how my worldview came to be, i'm reminded of a special edition of nick news with linda ellerbee; a special that focused on what was going on between israel and palestine all the way back to the 90s. this episode was from 1997; it came out when i was about six years old. it's been 26 years since i've seen it and yet somehow that was a deep memory unearthed over the last week.
fast forward to the present: as an adult, you have a better grasp on the world and the events that led up to that conflict which further cement your views as a young kid.
it seems weird to pretty much have the same views i had today, as i did 20 years ago, that people thought would be a phase and led me to become a more conservative citizen, yet they are still here.
as i watch the horrors unfold on television once again, i am reminded of the views i held as someone who didn't have a broad grasp on the world.
and i am even more horrified watching everything unfold the way it has been.
it's also weird working in an industry where you can't really exclaim how you feel on some sort of public platform because of objectivity. so, without outright giving my views, i can at least make it clear where i stand without having to take a side, because of the formed memories and experiences i lived as someone in the early-mid aughts who grew up in a military family.
many of my friends have taken to social media to openly voice their views on the situation between israel and hamas. many of my friends have been choosing sides, and while i understand why they're doing so, it has me thinking about all those years ago when war was first breaking out in a region that americans didn't really see much of.
in a world where the idea of fighting fire with fire seems like a situation that's a no-win for everyone, it seems like people are forgetting the history that we were never properly taught in school about why conflicts come to be.
not just conflicts spanning back two decades, but conflicts that span back well before that.
in an eerie sense, we're watching history repeat itself, because time is a flat circle.
it should be pretty obvious that human beings are not animals. they're not hellbent on destroying the world to better fit their mindset.
but no human being is an animal, and i am sickened knowing that's how elected officials have referred to human beings in today's current conflict.
there are people who are out there fighting to survive on a day-to-day basis; there are people fighting because they don't know how things unfolded before their time, and don't want to look back in history.
it leaves me absolutely gobsmacked that there are american politicians and international politicians who have classified a group of people who've been living under a regime of oppression for longer than i've been alive as an enemy who must be destroyed, no matter what. be it by land, sea, or air attacks.
it leaves me speechless that we're watching a massive humanitarian crisis evolve in real time, where nobody is in the right and there are millions caught in the crossfire just trying to survive. where aid can't get through borders to where people need it most. where basic human necessities like water, electricity and even food are being cut off; where people are given unrealistic timelines to evacuate when the infrastructure is not there to support them, because there is no place to go with borders being closed off.
condoning terrorist acts, terrorist groups and terrorists themselves should be something that's common sense. one terror group does not an entire group of people make.
it should also be stated that bloodshed in any form isn't some sort of "price to pay for being alive." there's no need to take hostages, no need to use brutal forms of violence. no need to televise gruesome, grisly acts of violence either.
at the same time, taking a look at the history that got us to where we are today wouldn't be a bad idea either. you can be supportive of people for wanting to be safe, secure and out of harm's way, to live the lives they were meant to have, the same way you can be supportive of the oppressed who have lived under a harsh regime who are just trying to get by without conflict.
as an adult, reading reports that generations of palestinians have been wiped out in attacks, where roughly half of a country's population is made up of children has been hard to digest. the same could be said about reading reports of grisly, brutal murders of jewish people living in israel, and even how people who were celebrating at a music festival experienced a sort of terror nobody should ever experience in their lives.
there's no right or wrong answer in this conflict right now and that's...really hard to even type out. it's also really hard staying silent, while trying to learn more about how we got to where we are right at this moment.
the fear of the unknown is coming out strong and stirring up these feelings i had as a child that couldn't be articulated. as an adult, i can barely even articulate the feelings, but i have a better understanding of what they are and why they exist.
as i wrap up this rambling essay, a regina spektor song comes to mind: "laughing with."
no one's laughing at god when they've lost all they've got and they don't know what for.
no one laughs at god on the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes.